Tag Archives: The Walking Dead

A Sicko’s Rundown of Every Show in the Walking Dead Universe

Posted on September 19, 2023 | Leave a comment

“You’re letting me out? .I’m free? I’m FREE? Wait…wh…what is this for? OH GOD WHAT IS THIS FOR!?”

~[Redacted]

It’s been almost a decade since we’ve last heard from [Redacted] so we’ll give you some backstory if you might not recall him. After we sent one of our finest investigative reporters out to eat at a Vegan restaurant, things went a bit sideways. To save his family the shame of doing such a thing as eating a meal in America without meat, we buried his identity, kept him in a locked broom closet, and forced him to review the worst shit imaginable for us.

A 1980s rap video with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, a Rodney Danger rap video, a rap video about recycling. These were his only moments outside of the stuffy darkness. But it wasn’t all just bad white-person old-school rap. Hell, we even made him write a Buzzfeed article back when Buzzfeed was a thing that people actually read. Haha, holy shit, remember Buzzfeed? Back then ChatGPT was just called “unpaid interns” and the end result was about the same.

But anyway. Long story short, we totally forgot we hadn’t let him out since 2014. Then during one of our holiday parties (we believe it was for the anniversary of the release of Rocky IV) we accidentally bumped into our broom closet, freeing [Redacted] who somehow had stayed alive thanks to a leak in the ceiling and the 30 years of prepper-grade rations we always keep in every single closet in our compound.

So we put him to work.

We asked him what he wanted to write about, as a way of apologizing for his decade of solitude, and he said, “Well I left off on the hit AMC show, The Walking Dead, shortly before my last assignment. The first season was great, the second was a little slow, but it seemed to be gaining steam. How about I write about that.”

Oh [Redacted]. You sweet, cursed soul.

[REDACTED] Reviews the Entire Walking Dead, God Bless Him.

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The Worst Products Inspired By The Walking Dead

Posted on October 8, 2014 | Leave a comment

“Guys, guys, guys.  GUYS.  You gotta cool it.  Just, chill.”

~AMC’s Marketing Department

walking dead happy

If you’re an American with access to cable television (cough-or-know-a-good-streaming-site-cough) you’ve probably seen The Walking Dead, with your opinions ranging from “This is the best show to happen to American television” to “this show is a utter garbage” with your true feelings likely settling somewhere along the lines of, “I mean, it’s fine, everyone except for Daryl, Glenn, and Maggie kind of suck, but it’s cool to see zombies get smushed.”

But no matter your views on the show, it’s impact on American culture is hard to ignore.  This is a show that, when it airs, outperforms Sunday Night Football among 18- to 49-year-olds.  No matter how you slice it (puns!), when your show is more popular than primetime football (and that’s even before the whole, you know, “2014 was a bad year to be related to or romantically involved with a football player” messiness) that’s pretty impressive.

Which is why on one hand, we can understand why many people, companies, and businesses are falling over themselves to get a slice of that sweet, sweet Walking Dead publicity by creating tie-in promotions, or “Walking Dead influenced” products.   And, also not surprisingly, trying to find a way to go viral by emulating a show that follows of a bunch of chronically depressed southerners as they run away from murderous shambles of rotting flesh can lead to some pretty bad ideas.  And since the world is filled with the assholes who say, “Well, any press is good press” whenever they’re talking about a story of a Wal-Mart shoving their undocumented workers into a furnace to avoid a tax write-up (citation needed) no one has the sense to say, “No, guys.  Stop it.  This is a bad idea.  A bad idea.”

Here are some bad ideas inspired by The Walking Dead

The Worst Products Inspired By The Walking Dead

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Meatbeers: 12 Beers Brewed With Animal Meat

Posted on April 9, 2014 | 9 comments

“The only thing that can make beer even better is the knowledge that a living creature died so I can drink it.”

~American Beer Drinkers

 meat wave

Beer is wonderful.  We love beer.  You love beer.  Everyone loves beer.  Well, except for Sharon, but seriously, Sharon is the worst.  Like, every time she opens her mouth, just, ugh.  Sharon.  Fuck Sharon.

But horray beer (Horray beer!)  As a nation, America spends an obscene-yet-appropriate amount of time, money, and effort into making new, exciting, and dangerously alcoholic beers for us to punish our livers with.  If we spent the energy we exert on beer innovation on, say, space travel, we probably would have settled colonies on dozens of planets by now.

But are planets delicious, refreshing, and able to get you absolutely trashed?  No, of course they can’t, they’re just stupid hunks of rock.

They’re practically the opposite of beer, so why should we give them the time of day?  That’s right, we shouldn’t, we’ve got a new session beer to try.  We’ve got our priorities straight, is what we’re trying to say.

Seeing as the beer brewing business favors the bold and encourages risk taking, as well as being largely stocked with red-blooded American heroes, it should come as no surprise that there are a dearth of beers that include honest-to-God animal parts in the brewing process.

Because we like our beer like we like our women: swirling in a vat surrounded by chunks of creatures that once had a fully functioning nervous system.  Um, wait.  Let’s try that again…

Meatbeer:  12 Beers Brewed With Animal Meat

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How to Handle a Hostage Situation

Posted on February 28, 2011 | 3 comments

“Where the hell am I?  Why am I tied up?  Why does it smell like baby powder?  WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BABY POWDER!?”

~Bruce Willis, Security officer of AFFotD, yesterday


 

Ladies and gentlemen, to quote Gandhi, shit just got real.  At AFFotD, we have on occasion offended groups that we perceived to “have a sense of humor” or “not really matter because Serbians don’t really count as people.”  And while we take our fair share of blame (for example, while our Elizabeth Smart jokes were pretty good digs on Mormonism, the route we took was pretty offensive to women and people with any hint of a sense of shame) we also think that everyone is sort of overreacting to this shit.  Not to pull the “they’re asking for it” card, but…come on guys.  This is America, we’re going to make fun of people who are not American enough to meet our strict standards of Americanness.  All we’re saying is, if Spaniards don’t want to be called lazy, they shouldn’t have all their stores close for two hours in the afternoon so everyone can have a nap.  It’s called an economy, not preschool, assholes.  But yet, there are a bunch of Spanish people outside our offices with picket signs that look very threatening.  As Americans we can’t understand the Spanish because, seriously guys?  Learn English.  But the signs are written in red and they have upside down exclamation points, which we’re guessing is a reference to lynching.

As is the America Fun Fact of the Day custom, we sent out a few interns to see what would happen, and sure enough they were torn apart faster than that horse in the pilot episode of “The Walking Dead.”  The protesters dug into them like David Hasselhoff digs into a Wendy’s hamburger- it was messy, there was partial nudity, and alcohol had to be involved.  We tried to get the cops involved but they said they couldn’t charge them with anything because publically murdering interns in a parking lot only warrants a 100 dollar littering ticket.  Which really pissed us off because we should have remembered that from last year’s Christmas party.

So yes, we’ve pissed off a few people.  Though I have no idea why there are so many Ukrainian people out there.  Sure, we mentioned Chernobyl the other day, but we really don’t know why they reacted the way they did.  (Ha, reacted.  Reactor.  Kaboom.)

To make a long story short, we got kidnapped by a shitton of Ukrainians today, which is why we’re not tackling any hard-hitting topic like Blizzards or Steak .  It was hard to tell how many there were, since they were all wearing masks (not like it would matter since all Ukrainians look the same anyway, amiright!?) but they got in through the air ducts.  They shot security officer Bruce Willis with a tranquilizer dart while he was taking part in our weekly “office man-versus-bear fight” just to limit the amount of potential rouge staffers going around and picking off their crew one by one while barefoot.  When the bear saw Willis go down, it was so surprised that it jumped out of the window, assuming it was supposed to die in the fight.  But that’s beside the point.

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