How to Handle a Hostage Situation

“Where the hell am I?  Why am I tied up?  Why does it smell like baby powder?  WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BABY POWDER!?”

~Bruce Willis, Security officer of AFFotD, yesterday

Ladies and gentlemen, to quote Gandhi, shit just got real.  At AFFotD, we have on occasion offended groups that we perceived to “have a sense of humor” or “not really matter because Serbians don’t really count as people.”  And while we take our fair share of blame (for example, while our Elizabeth Smart jokes were pretty good digs on Mormonism, the route we took was pretty offensive to women and people with any hint of a sense of shame) we also think that everyone is sort of overreacting to this shit.  Not to pull the “they’re asking for it” card, but…come on guys.  This is America, we’re going to make fun of people who are not American enough to meet our strict standards of Americanness.  All we’re saying is, if Spaniards don’t want to be called lazy, they shouldn’t have all their stores close for two hours in the afternoon so everyone can have a nap.  It’s called an economy, not preschool, assholes.  But yet, there are a bunch of Spanish people outside our offices with picket signs that look very threatening.  As Americans we can’t understand the Spanish because, seriously guys?  Learn English.  But the signs are written in red and they have upside down exclamation points, which we’re guessing is a reference to lynching.

As is the America Fun Fact of the Day custom, we sent out a few interns to see what would happen, and sure enough they were torn apart faster than that horse in the pilot episode of “The Walking Dead.”  The protesters dug into them like David Hasselhoff digs into a Wendy’s hamburger- it was messy, there was partial nudity, and alcohol had to be involved.  We tried to get the cops involved but they said they couldn’t charge them with anything because publically murdering interns in a parking lot only warrants a 100 dollar littering ticket.  Which really pissed us off because we should have remembered that from last year’s Christmas party.

So yes, we’ve pissed off a few people.  Though I have no idea why there are so many Ukrainian people out there.  Sure, we mentioned Chernobyl the other day, but we really don’t know why they reacted the way they did.  (Ha, reacted.  Reactor.  Kaboom.)

To make a long story short, we got kidnapped by a shitton of Ukrainians today, which is why we’re not tackling any hard-hitting topic like Blizzards or Steak .  It was hard to tell how many there were, since they were all wearing masks (not like it would matter since all Ukrainians look the same anyway, amiright!?) but they got in through the air ducts.  They shot security officer Bruce Willis with a tranquilizer dart while he was taking part in our weekly “office man-versus-bear fight” just to limit the amount of potential rouge staffers going around and picking off their crew one by one while barefoot.  When the bear saw Willis go down, it was so surprised that it jumped out of the window, assuming it was supposed to die in the fight.  But that’s beside the point.

They took us all hostage, every one of us.  We just freed ourselves now, but we’ll get to that later.  The first few hours were rough.  John Goodman, our resident obesity expert, got delusional from all the hunger, and he spent a good forty five minutes shouting, “AMERICA RUNS ON DUNKIN!” just over and over again.  Clint Eastwood was offering to direct a documentary about the Ukraine if they let us go.  We think we saw Steven Segal blink once.  The whole situation was like where Indians live.  Intense.

The Ukrainians, or Ukes as we liked to call them because, if it’s not an offensive ethnic slur it should be, had a scavenger hunt type list of demands.  The only thing we had on the premise were a few funny cars, but Tony Stewart was not going to part with those easily.  They began killing hostages.

Now, gentle reader, fear not for the America Fun Fact of the Day staff.  You don’t get into this business without anticipating the occasional Ukrainian hostage situation, so we had a plan in place.  The sub-office of AFFotD consists of professional patsies, expendable people who are “technically” American, but who have very lofty titles that terrorists will think makes them important to us.  “No, don’t take Andy Dick,” we all shout when they say they’re going to kill their first hostage.  “We need him, he’s the heart and soul of our organization!  Same with that annoying ‘Don’t taze me bro’ dude from like two fucking years ago, take us, not them!”

“His drug-fueled antics are the reason we get out of bed, why would you take that from us!?”

Like any proper American corporation, AFFotD has a staff of trained monkeys that live under the floorboards, subsiding on liquid diets fed to them through tubes, who are trained in krav maga and hostage negotiation.  It’s a fairly common precaution, especially among fortune 500 companies.  We could have unleashed them at any time, but we really wanted the terrorists to waste Andy Dick first, because that asshole was seriously starting to get on our nerves.  Plus, motherfucker is the reason why Phil Hartman is dead, which fucked up both the Newsradio and The Simpson.  So after the Ukes dragged away the lifeless, sullied body of Andy Dick, we pressed our monkey alarm, and off they went.

If you’ve never seen an army of monkeys fighting a gang of masked Ukrainian terrorists, you are really missing out.  Here’s the first thing you get in google image search when you search for “monkey army fighting Ukrainian terrorists.”

Guns don’t kill people, Darwinism kills people

That shit’s got nothing on the real deal.  Monkeys were flinging excrement everywhere, Ukes were talking in their Dostoyevsky language or whatever, and the monkey we like to call “Curious George” spent, honest to god, like 30 minutes sorting through and rearranging one of the terrorist’s small intestine.  None of our staff have ever been to a blood orgy before, but it was probably pretty similar to what we were watching, especially when the monkey started defiling the already deceased terrorists.  We’re not saying that the scene turned us on, but we all did lovingly think of David Carradine while sadly pointing one finger to the heavens.  We miss you, buddy, you would have loved this.

The protesters left after we painted terrorist blood (which strangely has a much shinier coat than normal blood) on our outside walls saying, “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY” (John Goodman’s idea).  So things are more or less back to normal here at the AFFotD office, except we’re not quite drunk enough for our liking.  Anyway, we all learned a good lesson.  And, if we were hard pressed to find a Fun Fact for today, to make up for that fact, we would say this.

It takes 50 monkeys roughly 15 minutes to kill 25 Ukrainian terrorists, a fact which reads like it belongs on the most badass Math exam ever.  Like, “If it takes 50 monkeys 15 minutes to kill 25 Ukrainian terrorists, how long would it take 5 monkeys to kill 10 terrorists.”  The first one to solve the answer correctly and leave it in the comments section will get an official AFFotD T-shirt.*

*AFFotD shirt is clear, weightless, and looks much like not wearing a shirt.  All readers of this fun fact have an AFFotD shirt under their actual clothing at the moment, a fact that will be reiterated to winners of this contest.  Since AFFotD staffers, like most Americans, are lazy and would rather not waste time reading italicized disclaimers, titties, we basically can say whatever we want right here.  Having sex with a celebrity is surprisingly similar to masturbating to a picture of one.  This one time, I was driving my car down the highway, and I heard this loud thump.  We all think it was a drifter, and from the sound of the crash he was in bad shape, but we just kept on driving.  Didn’t even read the newspapers for like, a week after that.  Didn’t really care what happened to him.  Is that what it’s like to not have a soul?  Titties.  Everyone gets offended by dead baby jokes, but no one asks where wet dog food comes from.  Who’s the hypocrite now, officer?  In Japan, there are gangs of guys who grope schoolgirls while on the train.  Ha, Japan is so fucked up.  Titties.  If you think something racist, but don’t say it, doesn’t that still mean you’re a racist?  Here’s a helpful hint:  If you’re ever in a bar fight, and you kill the guy, I mean, it was probably an accident, we forgive you, but make sure you take off his left shoe before you flee the scene.  That’ll give you his powers, like some sort of drunken Highlander.  Titties.  I think the ratio of “Highlander jokes” to “People who have actually seen Highlander” has to be at least 2:1, right?  Come on, you’ve not seen that movie.  Sean Connery was in that or something, right?  I bet Will fucking Ferrell hasn’t even seen it, and Highlander jokes was like 25% of Talladega Nights.  AFFotD is in no way responsible for the text in this disclaimer, we basically handed out post-it notes to homeless people outside our building and copied down what they wrote.  The end is near all sinners repent.  Titties.  Not valid in the lame countries, like Guam.  If your name sounds gross, you don’t deserve to be a country.  Titties.