“This is unholy. This is an abomination. I want ten of them right now.”
~You, with most of these menu items
Fast food holds a dear place in the hearts of all Americans. No, we mean that literally, everyone reading this has a tiny chunk of a Big Mac lodged somewhere in their arteries, waiting patiently for the best time to
stroke strike. Do not fight it, and it won’t fight you. Yes you want fries with that.
But as much as people have been focusing lately on how “unhealthy” and “disgusting behind the scenes” fast food places are, good old American gumption helps us stay strong by covering our ears and going, “La la la I’m not listening I’d like a Whopper with no onions please.” And part of the reason why fast food is here to stay is that, like many Americans, they’re not satisfied with the status quo. They’re constantly evolving their menu and testing out new products that can range from “surprisingly glorious” to “ah, look, a Double Down wrapper. I think we’ve found our cause of death.”
Food items are not added to menus lightly (okay, sometimes they are, and it’s hilarious). Honestly, did you think that this just fucking happened? Of course not, you can’t roll out a Monster Thickburger to an unsuspecting nation without endangering the lives of the residents of, say, Columbus, Ohio first. So we’re here to give you an inside glimpse into the minds of the fast food giants by letting you know what they’re currently testing in markets that you (statistically, probably) don’t live in. Some of which you can’t wait to see on menus nationwide, and some of which will terrify you but you also can’t wait to see on menus nationwide.
Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Carl's Jr., Doritos, Doritos Locos, Fast Food, Fritos, Hardee's, Ice Cream Sandwich, In-N-Out, McDonalds, Pepsi, Subway, Taco Bell, Wendy's
“No, we can’t write about Wendy’s! THEY’LL FIND US!”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
As some of our more intrepid readers might remember, AFFotD has a dark history with one particular American fast food establishment. Yes, for a period of time every spicy chicken sandwich you ate directly helped feed the AFFotD gambling debts coffers, but it came at the cost of our souls. Also at the cost of a few of our weaker family members, and one of our staffers house cat. Eventually, we were able to free ourselves from the corporate shilling curse, and continue to be independently drunk and American.
Of course, Wendy’s knew we couldn’t keep from talking about them forever. And after a few hard hitting exposés about Japan’s attempts at subverting American fast food, we discovered that Japan treated Wendy’s the same way they treat just about every goddamn fast food chain, so we figured we’d be safe of Wendy’s Necronomical influences if we talked about it, given that they were received so meekly in Japan that in 2009 they closed all 71 of their Japanese locations. Unfortunately, this lasted less than two years, and now Wendy’s has again opened its doors to Japanese terror culture. As of now, there are only two restaurants in the entire country, but that of course hasn’t stopped them from making nightmarish culinary creations that, despite our misgivings, force us to exclaim…
Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s
“Why do you want us to hurt you so?”
We’ve taken a lot of shit from Wendy’s in our partnership with the fast food chain. Our crack legal team did look into the contract and found there was a way to free ourselves from the oppressive rule of Wendy’s… It was so simple, we’re a little embarrassed that it took us so long to realize it.
Wendy’s has recently, for the first time, begun airing commercials with Wendy Thomas, the namesake of Wendy’s. And from watching that, there’s one thing that can free us from our servitude…
Wendy is fat.
Hmm…That’s supposed to do it. It says explicitly right here that if we point out that Wendy Thomas, the person Wendy’s was named after, was fat, we’d have some sign that the contract is void and…
What’s that rumbling?
Yes. Yessss. Be gone foul spirits! RELEASE US!
Ah yes. We’re free. We’re…oh we’re finally free. Now we can talk about this without any interference.
The Double-Double Down: Your Heart Knows What It Did And It Has To Pay
“Yes, we want you to write about the baconator. We’re tired of you using our money to talk about other people’s food. No tricks.”
You’ve no doubt noticed that every once and a while, when we’re particularly strapped for cash after having to pay one too many “destroying the nests of an endangered species of bird” fines, we turn to our “sponsor,” Wendy’s. Normally we’ve found occasion to talk about crazy foods we’ve just discovered while feeling a little part of us die every time we are forced at gunpoint to write something like, “Wendy’s! It’s food so good, you won’t believe it! Just like none of you should believe the suicide note if we turn up in a ravine!”
The last few times we’ve written about food have not been particularly…well received by our, uh, handlers. As in, we’ve had our Fun Facts hijacked a handful of times. As in, we used to have a lot more pets around the office before the Wendy’s executives figured out how to get past our security system. Pour one on the curb for Sparky.
That’s why, for today’s post, Wendy’s decided it was “too risky” to let us pick what to write about, so they just straight up told us, “Write about a Baconator.”
“Bacakonator?” we mumbled while sipping on a glass of whiskey.
“Yeah, like we said, write about the Baconator.”
…We haven’t much time until they figure out what we’ve done. Come with us if you want to hear about the bacon funnel cake.
“We had a deal. One reference of Wendy’s delicious food for every reference of a strange, crazy American food. That was the deal. That’s what we paid you for. You don’t want the hose again, do you?”
As we’ve discussed, in detail, previously, AFFotD sometimes has a tough time affording its excess alcohol and golden tennis racquets, and apparently the insurance company has stopped allowing us to put life insurance policies out on our Interns. So, turning to the corporate realm, we’ve recently received financial backing from Wendy’s, who will sponsor every America Fun Fact of the Day about glorious, American foods. Because nothing is more glorious than the Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Wendy’s! Winter’s coming, so it’s time for you to bundle up and enjoy the original Spicy Chicken Sandwich. You can have it with a side bowl of chili, French fries, or a baked potatoes, the possibilities are endless!
(Please help us. Even their lawyers have guns. Some of us have families. Please. Do something.)
Wendy’s is on the forefront of culinary technology, as evident by their deliciously American Baconator burger, and now they’re here to tell you, erm, have us tell you about the latest high point in American snacking!
Beef Jerky Potato Chips! That’s not even sarcastic, we’re really excited about it. Sweet Jesus that sounds great. Erm, not as great as Wendy’s French Fries, now using all natural sea salt (Ugh. Shoot us now). But incredible nonetheless!
There is a God. And he’s clearly American.
“Did you clear this with us? NO! Don’t TALK about that shit on our dollar! Now smear this makeup on and sexy dance for us, there’s a nickel in it for you.”
We’re always on the lookout for new and exciting technologies in the area of culinary “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU EATING PUT THAT DOWN JESUS CHRIST.” Why do we remain so vigilant about discussing America’s most unhealthy foods with you, the vigilant American reader who no doubt had the fortitude to put in a bomb shelter in the 1960s? Is it because fatty food tastes fucking delicious? Sure. Is it due to our longstanding feud with the American Heart Association ever since they decided not to endorse our “Whipped Cream Cannon”? Mayyyybe. But the fact that Wendy’s has been paying us to write about unhealthy food might have something to do with it. That’s why we’re here to install another segment of Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day! They make us tell them our deepest, most embarrassing secrets so we can feed their hollow, hollow laughter! The pain will never go away! Wendy’s!
It was our own fault for trying to get our ad revenue from a craigslist ad…
“Earn your money, whore. Earn your money and talk about our damn Frosties.”
The staff of AFFotD are not, by the general definition, foodies. We appreciate a fine steak as much as anyone, and we might have had an embarrassingly sexual response to hearing about gourmet cocktails that house Old Fashioneds inside an ice-shaped egg, and we’ll even shell a hundred bucks on a dinner and actually appreciate the meal, but…come on, people, we’ve written two articles about deep fried foods. So if you tell us about any dish with the term “reduction sauce” in it, our eyes are likely to roll into the back of our heads like an A.D.D. Epileptic. So when we scour the internet to find the latest American food inventions (Sponsored, as always, by Wendy’s. Wendy’s: They pay us to dance and goddamn it we’re going to dance!) we don’t look for exciting uses of quail egg, or quick-freeze layers of liquefied ox tail, hell no, we want to see unhealthy shit piled up as high as our cholesterol.
And that’s when we found…
The “Deep in the Heart (Attack) of Texas” sandwich. Yes. Yes. All of this yes. (………Sponsored by Wendy’s)
“I need this inside of me.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
AFFotD tries to stay on the forefront of the unhealthy cuisine community. That is to say, we drink a lot, and after about that sixth beer you start getting the drunk hungers, and Burger King hamburgers get really boring after a while (This post is sponsored in part by Wendy’s. With six sides to choose from with each of our twelve value meals, you’ll never get tired of it! Look out for their new slogan. Wendy’s: So many choices, but you know you’re going to get the spicy chicken sandwich with a small side of the chili.) So when we hear about a new food out there that is ridiculous, and hopefully completely unhealthy, we unfasten our ethanol IVs and brave the DTs to seek them out.
That’s how we happened to stumble (and shake because, oh the shakes, oh God the shakes) upon a little Brat store in Hugo, Minnesota who reluctantly decided to give a massive middle finger to cuisine common sense, and made something so amazing that you’re not legally allowed to cook it sober.
That’s right those of you with good eyesight and a willingness to squint to read what the package says in the photo above. Gummy. Bear. Brats. Bratwurst made with gummy bears. It might sound too good to be true, but that’s just because a life of harsh reality has all but destroyed your capacity for carefree imagination, because this shit is as real as your probation officer.
It is to Bratwurst what the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich was to Chicken Sandwiches: A total game changer!
That’s right America, we are here (with the financial backing of Wendy’s, home of the best French Fries fast food has to offer!) to tell you the story of a little shop that could. Clog arteries. With meat and candy. Remember in the 1990’s when that only-okay song, Sex and Candy, came out? God that decade was a mess. But yeah, you guys! Meat and candy! Together! Sponsored by Wendy’s! We really needed the money!
Wendy’s! Their executives are gentle kissers and don’t mind if you’re crying during! Continue reading
Posted in Wendy's Presents
Tagged America, Baconator, Bratwurst, Chicken Sandwich, Food, Grundhofer's Old-Fashioned Meat, Hugo Minnesota, Jelly Bean, Jelly Bean Bratwurst, John Goodman, LSD, Oh why are we doing this, Wendy's
“Where the hell am I? Why am I tied up? Why does it smell like baby powder? WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BABY POWDER!?”
~Bruce Willis, Security officer of AFFotD, yesterday
Ladies and gentlemen, to quote Gandhi, shit just got real. At AFFotD, we have on occasion offended groups that we perceived to “have a sense of humor” or “not really matter because Serbians don’t really count as people.” And while we take our fair share of blame (for example, while our Elizabeth Smart jokes were pretty good digs on Mormonism, the route we took was pretty offensive to women and people with any hint of a sense of shame) we also think that everyone is sort of overreacting to this shit. Not to pull the “they’re asking for it” card, but…come on guys. This is America, we’re going to make fun of people who are not American enough to meet our strict standards of Americanness. All we’re saying is, if Spaniards don’t want to be called lazy, they shouldn’t have all their stores close for two hours in the afternoon so everyone can have a nap. It’s called an economy, not preschool, assholes. But yet, there are a bunch of Spanish people outside our offices with picket signs that look very threatening. As Americans we can’t understand the Spanish because, seriously guys? Learn English. But the signs are written in red and they have upside down exclamation points, which we’re guessing is a reference to lynching.
As is the America Fun Fact of the Day custom, we sent out a few interns to see what would happen, and sure enough they were torn apart faster than that horse in the pilot episode of “The Walking Dead.” The protesters dug into them like David Hasselhoff digs into a Wendy’s hamburger- it was messy, there was partial nudity, and alcohol had to be involved. We tried to get the cops involved but they said they couldn’t charge them with anything because publically murdering interns in a parking lot only warrants a 100 dollar littering ticket. Which really pissed us off because we should have remembered that from last year’s Christmas party.
So yes, we’ve pissed off a few people. Though I have no idea why there are so many Ukrainian people out there. Sure, we mentioned Chernobyl the other day, but we really don’t know why they reacted the way they did. (Ha, reacted. Reactor. Kaboom.)
To make a long story short, we got kidnapped by a shitton of Ukrainians today, which is why we’re not tackling any hard-hitting topic like Blizzards or Steak . It was hard to tell how many there were, since they were all wearing masks (not like it would matter since all Ukrainians look the same anyway, amiright!?) but they got in through the air ducts. They shot security officer Bruce Willis with a tranquilizer dart while he was taking part in our weekly “office man-versus-bear fight” just to limit the amount of potential rouge staffers going around and picking off their crew one by one while barefoot. When the bear saw Willis go down, it was so surprised that it jumped out of the window, assuming it was supposed to die in the fight. But that’s beside the point.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Andy Dick, Bruce Willis, Chernobyl, David Carradine, David Hasselhoff, Don't Taze Me Bro, Elizabeth Smart, Gandhi, John Goodman, monkey, Mormons, Spaniards, The Walking Dead, Tony Stewart, Ukrainians, Wendy's