“Why do you want us to hurt you so?”
We’ve taken a lot of shit from Wendy’s in our partnership with the fast food chain. Our crack legal team did look into the contract and found there was a way to free ourselves from the oppressive rule of Wendy’s… It was so simple, we’re a little embarrassed that it took us so long to realize it.
Wendy’s has recently, for the first time, begun airing commercials with Wendy Thomas, the namesake of Wendy’s. And from watching that, there’s one thing that can free us from our servitude…
Wendy is fat.
Hmm…That’s supposed to do it. It says explicitly right here that if we point out that Wendy Thomas, the person Wendy’s was named after, was fat, we’d have some sign that the contract is void and…
What’s that rumbling?
Yes. Yessss. Be gone foul spirits! RELEASE US!
Ah yes. We’re free. We’re…oh we’re finally free. Now we can talk about this without any interference.
The Double-Double Down: Your Heart Knows What It Did And It Has To Pay
Yes, the reason why we had to free ourselves from the shackles of Wendy’s sponsorship was that we yet again are here to talk about rival fast food chains being combined to make glorious things. So brace yourself, this one is going to be glorious.
American fast food is the food equivalent of those blank tiles in Scrabble. You can put it anywhere if you want to make it work. It started with the McGangBang’s brilliant decision to put a McChicken inside a McDouble. Then it began to morph, giving us treats such as the Luther, with a double-down (already an unholy creation) being given a bun out of a Krispy Crème Donut.
But now we have the ultimate weapon in the biological warfare against our arteries. That’s right, someone has decided to combine the Double Double from In-N-Out Burger with a Double Down from KFC. Thus you get…The Double-Double Down. Look at it! Look at it for glory!
This is an American concoction that unfortunately can only be enjoyed by lucky Americans on the West Coast. The Double Double, for those interested, has 41 grams of fat and 670 calories. So not only is it highly desirable (since, while it is considered America’s best fast food Hamburger joint, it’s only available in 5 states) it’s even more unhealthy than the monstrosity being placed inside of it.
If you don’t know what a Double-Down is, you probably haven’t been to this website before. The KFC meat-as-bread-oh-God-why-didn’t-we-think-of-this-before sandwich is comprised of two fried chicken breasts, with bacon, two kinds of melted cheeses, and a “special sauce” stuck in between them. All that adds up to a respectably heart startling 540 calories and 32 grams of fat. Our research department informed us that they kidnapped a math professor, so… wait what’s that? Oh, okay. Sorry, our research department just informed us that they bought a calculator, so we were able to crunch the numbers on what a Double-Double Down would consist of.
Together, this unholy concoction 1210 calories and 73 grams of fat. However, a recently discovered and relatively unknown physical property called the “American food caloric multiplier” insists that the calorie and fat total, when combined, become exponentially higher. Plugging in the “Americanize it” forumula on our calculator gave us the following nutritional figure for the sandwich.
Which seems about right.
So Americans, if you find yourself near both an In-N-Out Burger and a KFC, we hope you do the (ir)responsible thing…and eat the hell out of a Double-Double Down. Don’t let that pesky cardiovascular system push you around, it’s time to show your body who’s boss.