“We wish you a merry…oh God what are you putting in front of us? You want us to EAT that?”
~Greenland residents during Christmas
We’re just a few short days away from Christmas, a time for reflection, forced familial-interaction in the guise of gift giving and, above all else, feasting, American-style. Every family has their own different tradition for Christmas, ranging from “it’s pretty much like a second Thanksgiving” to “my family died in a fire and the holidays are a cold reminder of how I’m alone in the world, oh God now I’m crying in public again, thanks a lot assholes” but generally, an American Christmas feast falls well within the definition of “normal.” Ham? Sounds delicious. Turkey? Sure! Egg nog? Booze it up and we’ll talk.
But we were recently informed, much to our surprise, that countries other than America also celebrate Christmas, which is insane to think about because America is the only country that actually makes good Christmas movies. But it’s true, we’re not alone in celebrating Christmas. However, less surprisingly, most other countries get real weird about it. So we decided to cast our xenophobia aside (reluctantly) in the spirit of Christmas, and look at some traditional Christmas dishes around the world. And since it’s the holidays, we’re not going to say that all of these are gross and must be set on fire, and instead are just focusing on Christmas meals that are…weird.
The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Christmas, Christmas dishes, Greenland, Janssons Frestelse, KFC, Kiviak, Lampreia de Ovos, Muktuk, Portugal, Russia, Sweden, Weird Food, Zakuski
“It’s magnificent. It’s glorious. I can see a beautiful shining light. I’m heading towards it.”
~Every American With A Pre-Existing Heart Condition Eating Any Item On This List
Doughnuts. They’re so hot right now. Doughnuts. While doughnuts have been fattening Americans up under the guise of “Breakfast” for hundreds of years, they’ve recently experience a renaissance among those brave individuals who like to intake their sugary carbs in savory or alcoholic forms. We now live in a world where any doughnut shop that doesn’t make a maple bacon doughnut is full of shit, and if you’ve never tried a doughnut covered in fruit loops you’re not legally allowed to vote in Oregon.
What once was just a simple fried dough confectionery for the masses has now evolved farther than it was ever intended, sort of like New Jersey. But unlike New Jersey, the vast majority of the strange, bewildering doughnut products that we’re being exposed to are actually delicious, enjoyable, and something you’d consider taking home to your parents. Your fat parents. From the fat side of your family. That you eat fatty foods with. Just…fat…fat… JUST LISTEN THIS IS A LIST OF SANDWICHES MADE WITH DOUGHNUTS YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO EAT THEM RIGHT NOW FAT FAT ALL AT ONCE FAT FAT FATTIE SOO-WEE SOO-WEE OINK OINK OINK!!!!! oh wow, Jesus Christ, we don’t know what happened there. We started looking at our research for this article, and everything went red for a second, and when we woke up we were covered in jam somehow. God, we hope it’s jam.
Anyway, the 2010s have been a revolutionary time for people who like doughnuts, but hate the fact that you can’t buy them with additionally unhealthy foods in the middle. And they’ve gone out of their way to correct this oversight by making…
America’s 7 Craziest Doughnut Sandwiches
Posted in Fried Foods, Strange Foods
Tagged America, “Chicken” Charlie Boghosian, Breakfast Sandwich, Donut, Doughnut Sandwich, Doughnuts, Dunkin Doughnuts, Grilled Cheese, KFC, KFC Double Down, Krispy Kreme, Lady's Brunch Burger, Luther, Luther Burger, Midnight Snack, Monte Cristo, Paula Deen, Pulled Pork, Sandwhich, Sloppy Joe, State Fair
“Why do you want us to hurt you so?”
We’ve taken a lot of shit from Wendy’s in our partnership with the fast food chain. Our crack legal team did look into the contract and found there was a way to free ourselves from the oppressive rule of Wendy’s… It was so simple, we’re a little embarrassed that it took us so long to realize it.
Wendy’s has recently, for the first time, begun airing commercials with Wendy Thomas, the namesake of Wendy’s. And from watching that, there’s one thing that can free us from our servitude…
Wendy is fat.
Hmm…That’s supposed to do it. It says explicitly right here that if we point out that Wendy Thomas, the person Wendy’s was named after, was fat, we’d have some sign that the contract is void and…
What’s that rumbling?
Yes. Yessss. Be gone foul spirits! RELEASE US!
Ah yes. We’re free. We’re…oh we’re finally free. Now we can talk about this without any interference.
The Double-Double Down: Your Heart Knows What It Did And It Has To Pay
“You’re dead if you run this image, you hear me? Fucking DEAD.”
As many of you no doubt are aware, we have a bit of a Faustian contract with Wendy’s. And they really don’t like it when we talk about the competition. Like, really don’t like it.
But fuck them. This is our image of the week, and we don’t care what happens to us if we make it about KFC. Because KFC made a logo so fucking big you can see it in space.
We literally stuck up our middle finger at nature and said, “Fuck you, Earth, you’re hawking fried chicken now.”
Delicious, delicious fried chicken.
Have a good weekend, everybody.
“It’s always a touch decision between that, the Mac and Cheese, and the mashed potatoes, isn’t it?”
One of the most widely available and American acceptable “salads” also happens to be the most secretive. Much like a Jeremy Piven character in a John Cusack Romantic Comedy, Coleslaw is always there but rarely thought about. But this is a food that sits alongside American food champions like Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, and Fried Chicken, while managing to break past it’s “vegetable-based” roots and be fairly unhealthy for you when done right, and it’s Wikipedia page has less information than the entry on Paris Hilton’s products and endorsements. It’s a damn shame, because any food drowned in mayonnaise deserves to be known. That is why we here at AFFotD are making it our duty to present to you…
The American History of Coleslaw