“Guys, you gotta help me. C. Dale Petersen is after me. You gotta help, I’m…I’m so scared…”
When the America Fun Fact of the Day staff goes on manly-adventure-excursions, or “Manventursions” as we refer to them, we usually have a break in the program right after “extreme skydiving” and right before the jalapeño peppers eating contest so we can silently reflect on how manly and awesome we are. J
ohnny Roosevelt, our editor-in-chief and the grandson of Teddy, regales us with stories of celebrity sexual conquests (Jessica Alba and Kathleen Turner on the same night, and Kathleen still had moves) and unbelievable feats of strength (he straight up knocked out Arnold Schwarzenegger in a game of Knuckles Roulette). Our accountant talked about how he went to jail for murdering an elephant in a public zoo. However, our photoshop guy ruined the mood when he kept bitching about how we never use photoshopped pictures, and just steal shit off of google images, which was the opposite of manly. So we fired him. With fire.
“YOUR JOB IS SO EXPENDABLE, BILLY!”
After the embers cleared we all had a great laugh until we stumbled upon a plaque that proved that, no matter how hard we try, how many Midget Tossing records we hold, or how many geriatric three-ways we pull off, we can never be manly enough. Because we had seen true manliness, and all else seemed like a cheap imitation in comparison.
We are referring to C. Dale Petersen, a man so manly that if you ever said his complete first name out loud, your hand would spontaneously turn into a bouquet of dicks.
To recap the plaque pictured above, C. Dale Petersen ran into a royally pissed of Grizzly Bear. C. Dale Petersen, who adhered to his personal credo of “Do not fuck with C. Dale Petersen,” rammed his fucking arm down the bear’s throat. And, at risk of using excessive italics, we must point out the fact that he then bit into the bear’s jugular vein to make it pass out before bashing it in the head with a stick to DEATH.
To recap. This. Throat. Stick. To death.
These actions are so manly they just gave Burt Reynolds a sex change operation.