“Well, that was one of the more unnecessarily sweet vomits I’ve ever had.”
~Novelty-flavored vodka drinkers
We’ve discussed the nuanced philosophy behind flavored vodkas in the past, but here it is again. Vodka exists as a neutral spirit, which is both a blessing and a curse. Vodka earns its keep for American drunks by finding a way to let orange juice get you drunk, but its ability to meld with various flavors means that, more than any other type of alcohol, liquor companies will churn it out in dozens, if not hundreds, of different and often unnecessary varieties. And we get it, we really do. Some people don’t like the taste of alcohol and want to get drunk fast by putting four shots of raspberry vodka into a cup of fruit punch. We remember being nine years old too.
As much as you might assume that fruity-tasting alcohol is somehow less American than whiskey, well, you’d be right, but flavored vodkas are still perfectly acceptable in polite society, and in the case of downing shots might even be preferable to the unflavored variety (every drinker over the age of 18 has long ago lost their ability to down a shot of straight, unflavored vodka without their stomach reminding them of the time they did vodka shots until they puked).
But just because we drink black cherry vodka like it’s water, or can add cucumber vodka to a Bloody Mary with delicious results, doesn’t mean that all vodka flavors are created equal. That’s why we’re returning after a long vodka-article hiatus to present our third article about the strangest, most unnecessary vodka flavors in America. Because why drink alcohol that makes you seem like you’ve retained some semblance of your sanity when you can get drunk on something that tastes like a freshly mown lawn. That’s not a joke flavor, by the way.
America’s Strangest Vodka Flavors (Part 3)
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, Strange Alcohol, Vodka
Tagged 360 Vodka, America, Bloody Mary, Cinnabon, flavored vodka, fresh cut grass vodka, fruit loops, fruit loops vodka, Holiday Inn Express, king cake, king cake vodka, Mardi Gras, New Orleans, PInnacle, Pinnacle vodka, Sriracha, Sriracha vodka, Three Olives, vodka, Vodka Flavors, waffle vodka, waffles
“Don’t care. Still would take a shot of it.”
We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs. It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment. Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it). Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.
This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”). Most flavors make sense. Raspberry? Sounds delicious! Orange? Sure! Whipped cream? Uh…what?
That’s right, America. We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…
America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas
“I don’t care if it tastes like an ashtray with an STD! All I care about is one thing. Will? It? Get? Me? Drunk?”
~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board
No one would claim that vodka is a particularly “American” spirit. But who are we to quibble in semantics? If it gets you drunk, and has a slightly lower chance at sending you to the hospital than chugging hand sanitizer, it’s American enough for us. Vodka is the most neutral of spirits, so while it doesn’t give you that warm, smooth feeling that bourbon does shortly before you start shouting to no one in particular there being too many French people at the local bistro, vodka does allow you get sloshed efficiently and with the aid of a whole variety of mixers.
Of course, since vodka is meant to be as flavorless as possible, many distillers take this as an opportunity to add distinct and unique flavors to their product to help it stand out in a crowded market. We’ve already internally debated the practice of flavoring your vodkas, but unusual vodkas are everywhere, and it’s time we at least embraced this particular spirit’s diversity. Which is why we are here to present our inaugural segment…
The World’s Strangest Vodka Flavors
“So you’re telling us that if we want to drink this vodka, we need to rob some banks? Can’t we just drink some Skol instead?”
~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board
Everyone can appreciate a good bottle of vodka. By that, of course, we mean to say that if you’re spending more than $25 on your vodka, you’re probably being suckered. Vodka’s the most neutral spirit out there, its primary reason for existing is to give us a way to turn most “non-alcoholic drinks” into “mixers.” If you like the taste of orange juice, but don’t like the sobriety it causes you? Vodka that fucker up. Have yourself a 60 oz. cup of one of those Mountain Dew flavors that’s blue and only available through Taco Bell? Boom, add some vodka and suddenly that haphazardly folded together 1 lb. bean and potato burrito is the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten. Did you randomly find a glass filled with some unrecognizable liquid on the street corner? Vodka would probably make it safe to drink. Maybe? Right?
And while most Americans find themselves unwilling to shell out for any vodka fancier than, say, Chopin, some people find themselves choose to spend excessive amounts of money on a flavorless spirit just so they can tell themselves that they’re important and relevant, no matter how many times their mistresses make fun of their distressingly small genitalia. And for these Ferrari SUV driving individuals, we present…
The Most Expensive Vodkas in the World
Posted in Vodka
Tagged America, Billionaire Vodka, Diva, Royal Dragon Vodka, Russo-Baltique, Smirnoff, Stoli Elit, Sylvester Stallone, Vallure, vodka, World's Most Expensive Vodkas
“It’s delicious! *slap* It’s disgusting! *slap* IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”
The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern. Shotguns? American. Environmentalists? Not American. Hot Dogs? American. Tofu? What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here? Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.
“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”
This isn’t always the case, however. Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers. Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”? What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.
We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes. With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it. You just don’t.”
That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits. We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.
Posted in Vodka
Tagged America, Bacon, Bacon Flavored Vodka, Chinatown, Cotton Candy, Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka, Cupcake flavored vodka, cupcakes, Devil's Food, Die Hard, Faye Dunaway, Filet Mignon, Frosting, Gin, KFC Double Down, pizza, Pizza Flavored Hamburger, Rocky, Tito's Vodka, Tofu, Tofu is not American, Tootsie Roll, Tootsie Roll Pop, vodka, Watermelons, Whiskey