“Oh God, they’re going to give an Academy Award to Rocky IV, aren’t they?”
~You, the Reader
We are now three articles and over 12,000 words into our ambitious attempt to re-award every single Academy Award from 1970 to 2009 while finding at least one way to screw over the favorite movie of every single one of our readers. It’s been a whirlwind ride, with some hard decisions and a lot of movies we had no clue even existed. But now it’s time to dive deep into the mid-to-late 80’s, a decade which has seen a lot of awards not only changing hands, but going to movies that weren’t even originally nominated. But then again, they thought shoulder pads were a great idea in the 1980’s, so it’s not surprising that the Academy messed things up back then.
Once again to hash out the rules. Each year is listed not by the film’s release, but by the date of the ceremony (so 1985’s entry is for films released in 1984, etc). We’ll tell you the original winners, and nominees, along with their IMDB user rating, and then will re-award that year’s Oscar. It could go to the same movie, but more often than not it’ll be going to someone else.
So let’s dive in, shall we? There were some pretty competitive years in this batch.
Re-Awarding the Academy Award for Best Picture (1985-1989)
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Re-Awarding the Academy Award for Best Picture (1970-2009)
Tagged A Passage to India, A Room With a View, A Soldier's Story, Academy Awards, Amadeus, America, Back to the Future, Broadcast News, Children of a Lesser God, Dangerous Liaisons, Die Hard, Fatal Attraction, Hannah and Her Sisters, Hope and Glory, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Mississippi Burning, Moon Struck, Oscars, Out of Africa, Places in the Heart, Platoon, Princess Bride, Prizzi's Honor, Rain Man, Re-Awarding the Oscars, Rocky IV, The Accidental Tourist, The Color Purple, The Killing Fields, The Last Emperor, The Mission, Witness, Working Girl
~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season
Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia. Well, liquor as well. And definitely presents. Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents. Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit. Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.
With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH! ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country. But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk. After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together? With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…
The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, America's Holidays
Tagged A Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Story, America, Charlie Brown, Chevy Chase, Christmas, Christmas Drinking Games, Christmas Vacation, Die Hard, DMX, Dr. Seuss, Drinking Games, Home Alone, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, John Hughes, Miracle on 34th Street, Rudolph, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Santa Clause, Tim Allen
“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”
America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it. But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well. Bourbon and cars? Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination. Whiskey and airplanes? Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.
Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem
But drunken broadcasting? Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio? That is goddamn American. That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. “You got drunk and high on my television show.” “You got your television show on my drunk and high.” “Holy shit best idea ever.”
“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”
That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history. But first, we need to line up some shots.
Or we can just chug some Everclear.
Ahhhhh yeah. Yeah feel the burn.
Okay. *cough*. Okay. Let’s…uh, let’s get started.
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged Airplanes, Alcohol, America, American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith, Ashley Simpson, Ben Affleck, Celebrities, Conan, Die Hard, Drunk Celebs, Dukes of Harzards, Everclear, Fallout Boy, Gigli, Jackass, James Brown, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Simpson, Joe Nameth, Johnny Depp, Johnny Knoxville, Paula Abdul, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Sydney Bristow, Tracey Morgan, Whiskey
“It’s delicious! *slap* It’s disgusting! *slap* IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”
The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern. Shotguns? American. Environmentalists? Not American. Hot Dogs? American. Tofu? What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here? Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.
“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”
This isn’t always the case, however. Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers. Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”? What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.
We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes. With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it. You just don’t.”
That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits. We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.
Posted in Vodka
Tagged America, Bacon, Bacon Flavored Vodka, Chinatown, Cotton Candy, Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka, Cupcake flavored vodka, cupcakes, Devil's Food, Die Hard, Faye Dunaway, Filet Mignon, Frosting, Gin, KFC Double Down, pizza, Pizza Flavored Hamburger, Rocky, Tito's Vodka, Tofu, Tofu is not American, Tootsie Roll, Tootsie Roll Pop, vodka, Watermelons, Whiskey