“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”
America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it. But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well. Bourbon and cars? Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination. Whiskey and airplanes? Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.
Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem
But drunken broadcasting? Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio? That is goddamn American. That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. “You got drunk and high on my television show.” “You got your television show on my drunk and high.” “Holy shit best idea ever.”
“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”
That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history. But first, we need to line up some shots.
Or we can just chug some Everclear.
Ahhhhh yeah. Yeah feel the burn.
Okay. *cough*. Okay. Let’s…uh, let’s get started.
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Posted in Drunk People
Tagged Airplanes, Alcohol, America, American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith, Ashley Simpson, Ben Affleck, Celebrities, Conan, Die Hard, Drunk Celebs, Dukes of Harzards, Everclear, Fallout Boy, Gigli, Jackass, James Brown, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Simpson, Joe Nameth, Johnny Depp, Johnny Knoxville, Paula Abdul, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Sydney Bristow, Tracey Morgan, Whiskey
“Do I look crazy enough? I want this shot to look REAL crazy.”
~Nick Nolte, 2002
America loves a good Mug Shot. The photograph taken by police officers as you’re booked for a criminal charge truly proves the phrase, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” which is a term that we at AFFotD enjoy because reading hurts our brain, and you can pretty much figure out the plot of Yertle the Turtle without having to read the damn “story” anyway. With a Mug Shot, we can see the whole series of events that led to that singular low point, all summed up with a smug look that says either, “I’m so making bail,” or, “Busted,” (depending on how rich and famous you are.)
Yes, seeing an average schlub like Johnny Half-Beard up there in cuffs being photographed by cops can afford us hours of entertainment. The Smoking Gun is able to find enough people with butterfly face tattoos being arrested that they can populate the hell out of their site just by posting these things for everyone to point and laugh at. But for every mug shot of a man making his face look like a shrunken head or moustache-tattoo-saying-“Ladies Love It” there are literally thousands of mug shots that are either boring, neutral, or actively depressing. If Mug Shots of regular people were a football player, they’d be Rex Grossman- when they work, they’re glorious, but most of the time you’re just wondering why they’re on the field at all.
But Celebrity mug shots? Of Americans? Now that never fails to inspire. When you see a celebrity’s Mug Shot, you know the following things. A- the picture is going to show someone either incredibly smug, or incredibly wasted. B- They are going to pay bail shortly after that Mug Shot is taken, so they really don’t give a shit. And C- they’ve done far worse shit and gotten away with it.
Celebrity Mug Shots combines watching Americans embrace their status as above the law, while giving non AFFotD writing Americans a nice sense of Schadenfreude. Actually, we’re not going to use that term, because German is not English, so we’re going to call it “The sense of Ha Ha You Fucked Up.” Or HHYFU. True famous Americans embrace the Mug Shot as the most public way to flaunt your fame and wealth this side of making it rain during the President’s State of the Union address. Which, oddly enough, is how half of the AFFotD staff ended up getting their own Mug Shots (apparently chucking money and shouting, “Where my bitches at?” is not allowed in that setting. Who knew?). So, with that in mind, let us look at…
America’s Best Celebrity Mug Shots (Of Americans Who Clearly Don’t Give Two Shits)
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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Criminal, Half Beard, James Brown, Jimmy Buffet, Mug Shot, Nick Nolte, Rex Grossman, Schadenfreude, The Smoking Gun, Whiskey, Yertle the Turtle