Tag Archives: Johnny Knoxville

We Even Are Good At Inventing Old Civilizations

“More like Machu…PEE-chew.  Yeah.  Shut up, it’s funny.”

~Hiram Bingham III

Whats the most American academic pursuit?  When that question was posed to our AFFotD staff, we had a bevy of responses.  “Business and greed!” Michael Douglass offered.  “Law, like in my current film, The Lincoln Lawyer,” Matthew McConaughey said before we kicked him out of the offices and asked security what the hell he was doing there.  “Titties!” Johnny Knoxville shouted before stapling a dollar bill to his forehead while we all laughed and nodded approvingly.

The actual answer to this question came as a shock to many.  “Anthropology,” resident helicopter pilot/alien hunter Harrison Ford said from the back of the room.  We all looked back at him, and there’s a distinctive mumble.  “What the hell is that?” someone asks.  “Gayyyyy,” the guy whose job is to say “gayyy” after everything he doesn’t agree with said (we hired him back in 1998… it was a…well, a different time back then).  At that point, Ford took out his hat and whip, and we all went, “ohhhhh, the Indiana Jones profession.  Yeah, good answer, good answer.”  Like it was fucking Family Feud.

It was at this point that we took out a book on a man who was a real life Indiana Jones, or at least the Anthropologist who discovered the shit out of a mysteriously dead civilization.  We won’t even hold it against him that he was born in Hawaii.  That man was Hiram Bingham III.

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American Celebrities Broadcasting While Drunk

“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”

~James Brown

America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it.  But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well.  Bourbon and cars?  Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination.  Whiskey and airplanes?  Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.

Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem

But drunken broadcasting?  Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio?  That is goddamn American.  That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  “You got drunk and high on my television show.”  “You got your television show on my drunk and high.”  “Holy shit best idea ever.”

“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”

That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history.  But first, we need to line up some shots.

Or we can just chug some Everclear.

Ahhhhh yeah.  Yeah feel the burn.

Okay.  *cough*.  Okay.  Let’s…uh, let’s get started.

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