“Oh my God fuck these writers.”
Our staff recently sat down to watch all the films from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (or MCU, if you’re nasty) in chronological order because we decided that was one of the least destructive things a person could do after 11 months of complete isolation.
Now, we could, and should, have kept this fact to ourselves. “We binged 23 movies in the course of like two weeks” is less of a thing you advertise, and more a thing you hide to avoid a lot of “are you okay?” texts from concerned family and friends.
But we decided that we’d use this cry for help as an excuse to create the only kind of content we know—divisive content tailor-made to piss off notoriously volatile fan bases.
So let’s rank all the villains we can think of from the Marvel films. Some minor villains were left off the list, because who cares. And we briefly considered adding the Maximoff twins (we’re just now realizing how lazy it is that between them and Black Widow, the only Eastern European characters are named “Romanoff” and “Maximoff” but that’s a different article) because they literally were villains for, like, two scenes.
Anyway, we’ve likely left off a character you care about, and we’ve almost certainly placed someone on this list in a place that will make you feel pure rage, and we apologize for nothing. It’s a dumb article about fun movies based on silly comic books. Maybe just chill a bit, okay?
Anyway…onto the list.
“Lol try and guess my actual birth name. No, seriously, give it a shot.”
For most Americans with children, there is a sense of continuing your legacy that comes with siring a child. (Is that what parents call it? All of our writers are single and aren’t allowed to “hold their baby nephews” because we “reek of whiskey and, Jesus, is that what opium smells like?” so we’r out of our element here.)
However, some parents (mostly fathers, honestly) want to take that concept a step further by actually passing on their name to their children. This should not shock you—there are many famous Juniors in the world, from Ken Griffey Jr. (the baseball player more successful than his baseball playing father) to Martin Luther King Jr. (the Civil Rights hero whose father founded Lutheranism, right? Our research staff has been MIA for a few months, honestly.)
However, not every Junior actually carries their Jr. title. Some, like your Dennis Juniors, go by initials like DJ. And others just drop the Jr. all together.
Apparently, that latter category applies to a surprising amount of American presidents. And with the swearing in of Joe Biden, formally known as Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., we decided we’d look back at American history and let you know every president whose name is basically a photocopy of their father’s name.
“Hahahahahaha WHAT? No, wait, this was a thing done by people who were paid salaries? This is the best thing.”
~Every AFFotD Staff Member
“I thought we couldn’t get any lower than talking about how horny that Paper Mario N64 game was, but here we are…”
~Affotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
For reasons that should be apparent, our staff has had a lot of time on our hands to try to binge various tv series we’ve not previously seen. In this case, that show was Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Now, you might get a little public-distance-based unease at the idea of a group of drunk people watching 176 episodes of television inside during a pandemic, but don’t worry. Our staff has taken all the proper precautions.
We’ve literally never stepped foot outside of our office since March 15th. Except for one intern, who we send out twice a week to do all of our grocery shopping. He has to leave all the food and booze outside of our office and then he must scurry off to spend the rest of his time alone in a small, hermetically-sealed closet.
We don’t even talk to him over the phone, in case the virus can be transmitted wirelessly. He has lost his mind.
But enough about Darren, who apparently has changed his name to “Lorgon, the final man” in a fit of mania. Let’s talk about Star Trek. Because guess what?
This shit is HORNY.
Every Star Trek: The Next Generation Character Who Has Fucked
“There are 44 Oscar nominees who have appeared in a Star Wars movie.”
~Our Staff, All Week, They Literally Won’t Shut Up About it
This article is very pointless and dumb for most people, and our writers are obsessed with it. Let’s talk about Star Wars, you buncha nerds.
Since 1977, the world has been gifted (and in some case, begrudgingly offered as a cash grab) eleven different films in the Star Wars Universe. There are also some animated tv shows out there if you really want to get deep into that shit.
During that time, many well-regarded actors with numerous accolades have appeared in a Star Wars film. Specifically, the Star Wars universe features a staggering amount of Academy Award nominated individuals who appear, either onscreen or as voices, in these films. We counted. It’s 44.
Keep in mind, many other famous actors have appeared in these films who have not been nominated for an Academy Award. Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee have never received Oscar nominations, for example (though McGregor has Golden Globe nominations)
Frank Oz (a.k.a. Yoda) has an Emmy. Jimmy Smits (Bail Organa) has won a Golden Globe. By the way, did you know that Rose Byrne (2 Golden Globe nominations) was in Attack of the Clones? And Joel Edgerton, who was in the prequel trilogy as young Owen Lars, has a Golden Globe nomination to his name for Loving. They are not on this list. But a LOT of people are! Anyway! Let’s get into this nerd fest!
Every Oscar-Nominee Who Has Appeared in a Star Wars Film
“It’s called the Money Plane. Some of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet are on that plane, all craving action. Whatever you want to wager on, the Money Plane has you covered. You want to bet on a dude fucking an alligator? Money Plane.”
~Darius Emmanuel Grouch III (a.k.a. The Ruckus)
On July 10th, just less than a week after its birthday, America was blessed with a belated gift. With of a reported budget of “under $50 million” according to Wikipedia (because the director jokingly said “Well it was under $50 million”) and an actual budget of, like, $75 bucks and the promise to delete several portable hard drives worth of compromising data, we were given MONEY PLANE.
And it’s the best film of 2020.
Don’t let the haters fool you. Don’t listen to the 3.3/10 rating on IMDB. Or the 27% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. This movie is gold.
And speaking of gold, we’re going to award it SEVENTEEN FUCKING ACADEMY AWARDS.
All of the Oscars Awarded to MONEY PLANE, the Best Movie of All Time
“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
~Harvey Dent. Wait these are supposed to be fake quotes…
Hi there! If you’ve recently discovered our site, you probably think of AFFotD as that place where we do too much research about COVID and say “fuck” a lot. If you’ve been following us for a long time, you know that we usually like to celebrate weird history, booze, and food while making fun of other nations’ cultures while saying “fuck” a lot.
This will not be any of those things.
This is goin to be a review of TV special. Which is a thing we literally never write about.
But our staff has been longtime fans of the shot 30 Rock, and 30 Rock released a quarantine reunion special. And…well…we normally don’t weigh in on such matters, but…
The 30 Rock Reunion Special Is Very Bad in a Way That Makes Us Very Sad
“You say I get to play someone named Castor Troy? I don’t even need to read the script, I’m IN.”
~Nicholas Cage in 1997
There’s no exact science to how we come up with our article topics. Sometimes we see something in the news that piques our interest, sometimes we just think about pizza and think, what if this, but bad.
And sometimes we get a message from friend of AFFotD and occasional contributor, SarahIndie, and the article just writes itself.
So that’s what we’re going to do! Note, this is NOT going to be a list of which CHARACTERS are the best. It’s just which NAMES are the best. Because if we had to sit down and watch every Nic Cage performance, we would not be able to finish before we reach the heat death of the universe. But names, those we can look at and evaluate.
So here we go. No build up, just NAMES! HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS!
“Goddamn it, I’m eating, I don’t want to hear about this. Gross.”
This is going to be a short article, and it’s going to haunt you for a long time. We’d apologize but we ran out of sorries somewhere around the time we wrote an articles with 90 pictures of sex jokes from Paper Mario 64.
Anyway. We’re going to write about ice cream. That’s not particularly unusual for us. And we’re going to write about gross ice cream. Again, been there, done that.
But no. We learned something horrible today, and we decided to drop everything and put together some 500 words so that you, our dear, beloved readers, can have their day ruined as well.
We are monsters and we must be stopped. Because.
Oyster Ice Cream Exists. Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair
“Okay, so Mario has to get the Star-Rod, but you can also play as Peach, who gets help from Twink, okay guys what is it why are you all giggling?”
~Nintendo 64’s Focus Group Leader
The last article we posted was an 18,000 word piece that took us five days to write, and at least 20 hours to research. It was a state-by-state analysis of how each America is handling the COVID-19 crisis that is currently *insert some cliche “we’re in this together” bullshit you’ve heard in like 500,000 commercials.*
So naturally, since people are talking about how we “did so much research” to provide “essential information” in our most recent post, we decided to follow that up with, just, the least essential article ever. This brings us so much joy. It is the dumbest thing we have ever done. We are truly children. Anyway, let’s have at it!
Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made