Category Archives: America Fun Fact of the Day

The Definitive Ranking of Every Ted Lasso Character (Season 2)

 “Be Curious. Not Judgmental.”

~Ted Lasso

Apple_TV_Ted_Lasso_key_art_sh_cr

Back in April, when we wrote about our favorite show of the yearTed Lasso, it was, just like the Richmond Greyhounds, a bit of an underdog. It was the show everyone was being told about, but hadn’t seen yet (because honestly, who has an Apple TV subscription?) 

Specifically, we took all 62 characters that appeared in the first season, and ranked them, from worst to best. If you have any doubts about our knowledge on this topic, every single character in the top seven of our list ended up being nominated for an Emmy for Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, or Best Supporting Actress. So we basically nailed it.

Since then, it’s won seven Emmys, including best Actor (Jason Sudeikis as Ted Lasso), Best Supporting Actor (Brent Goldstein as Roy Kent), Best Supporting Actress (Hannah Waddingham as Rebecca Welton) and Best Comedy. It’s also brought on the dreaded discourse. Because nothing gold can stay.

But just because the second season of Ted Lasso was messy and complicated, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a delight, and not something worth revisiting. Until, it turns out, we decided to expand our “ranking the characters in Ted Lasso” article after the first season, which had 62 characters, and realized, holy shit, there are a lot more characters in season two!

This article is over 10,000 words long! And we know you won’t read it, you’ll skim through until you see where Nate is (MUCH lower than season one) and where Roy is (slightly higher than season one) and then will just cherry pick for your favorites. And that’s fine. Anyway, we put way too much time into this silly article. Enjoy!

Every Ted Lasso Character, Ranked (After Season 2)

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How Many Academy Award Nominations SHOULD Tom Hanks Have?

“I have more Academy Award nominations than Tom Hanks? That…that can’t be right.”

~Bradley Cooper

oscar

As a nation, Americans don’t agree on much. We know that pizza is good, traffic jams are bad, and Jack Black is either the greatest gift we could ever ask for or a complete scourge from hell and there is no middle ground there. Seriously, it’s impossible to have a neutral opinion on Jack Black. 

But one immutable fact that all Americans can share is simple—Tom Hanks is America’s dad, and we love him fiercely. 

When Hanks first appeared on the small screen as *check notes* a young ad man who had to dress as a woman to live in an affordable girls-only apartment (lol, wait, really?) you might be forgiven for not immediately assuming that the then-24-year-old would go on to become a full-stop national icon and one of the greatest actors of all time, but here we are. 

Ever since his big screen breakthrough in 1984’s Splash, however, Hanks has gone on to become the fourth-highest-grossing actor of all time, and one of the more critically praised as well. Along with Spencer Tracy, Tom Hanks is one of two actors ever to win the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role in consecutive years. 

But despite appearing in numerous Golden Globe- and Academy Award-nominated films in the past several decades, Hanks randomly went 19 years between Oscar nominations, until his work in 2019’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood was nominated. 

That got us thinking. Tom Hanks, arguably the greatest actor of his generation, has been nominated for a total of six Academy Awards in his career. That’s a lot, but given Hanks’ stature, you’d assume he’d have more, right? Hell, Bradley Cooper has eight nominations (though some of those are for producing, and he got a screenplay nod for A Star is Born).

So join us in a journey through Tom Hanks’ storied career as we determine—

How Many Total Oscar Nominations Should Tom Hanks Really Have

hanks saving private ryan

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The Definitive Ranking of Every Ted Lasso Character (Season 1)

 “Be Curious. Not Judgmental.”

~Ted Lasso

Apple_TV_Ted_Lasso_key_art_sh_cr

So a little known fact about 2020 is that, apparently, for a lot of people it was not great! Yeah, color us surprised, our staff spent the whole year on a private island (after 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine why are you all mad?) so it was news to us.

But in a, let’s say, “down year”, one of the universally acknowledged high points of 2020 was the release of Ted Lasso, the Golden Globe-winning comedy that was the primary reason you either got Apple TV+ or figured out how to pirate tv shows.

If you haven’t seen it, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS PAST YEAR THIS SHOW IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED!?!?!? But we’ll pretend you’re a hypothetical reader unaware of this delightful show. Starring Jason Sudeikis, Ted Lasso had no reason to be as good as it is. It was based off an NBC Sports ad made seven years ago, which is basically like turning an SNL sketch into a movie (which usually does not go well) and making it six times as long.

Yet, with an impressive creative team behind it, including Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence, it somehow ended up the EXACT show we needed for this past year. It’s heartwarming, sincere, charming and kind, without any cynicism or irony. Even the bad guys in the show find a way to make you root for them (well, except for a few).

All of this is to say, we have decided to celebrate the release of the official season two teaser trailer. by spending dozens of hours on research and writing 5,000 words to arbitrarily rank every single character from Season 1 of Ted Lasso.

Now, you might be disappointed with some choices in this list, but there’s no way you’ll be actively upset, because Ted Lasso is the rare show that, in a single short season (so far) (it’s locked in to end after Season 3), has already established a good 20 characters you’d take a bullet for. So with that in mind, let’s get this underway.

Every Ted Lasso Character, Ranked

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All 28 American Flags, Ranked

“You’re TRASH, get your stars right.”

~Uncle Sam to Like MOST American Flags

USA FLAG

The American flag is iconic. You look at an American flag and you say say, hell yeah, America. Thank God we’re not doing shit like, Bhutan, whose flag is a dragon roller skating on four apples. Okay, bad example, that flag rules. 

But back to the American flag. Most of you reading this have only lived with one American flag as part of your life.

But the American flag has changed a lot! Every time we add a state (or multiple states), we have to update that star count. Technically we’ve had 27 iterations of the American flag, but we’re going to say that the Betsy Ross flag (with stars in a circle) counts as a different flag than our first official 13-star flag. 

So let’s talk about which flags are awesome and which are pure TRASH.

Ranking America’s 28 Flags

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37 Marvel Cinematic Universe Villains, Ranked

“Oh my God fuck these writers.”

~You

picture of Marvel heroes

Our staff recently sat down to watch all the films from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (or MCU, if you’re nasty) in chronological order because we decided that was one of the least destructive things a person could do after 11 months of complete isolation.

Now, we could, and should, have kept this fact to ourselves. “We binged 23 movies in the course of like two weeks” is less of a thing you advertise, and more a thing you hide to avoid a lot of “are you okay?” texts from concerned family and friends.

But we decided that we’d use this cry for help as an excuse to create the only kind of content we know—divisive content tailor-made to piss off notoriously volatile fan bases.

So let’s rank all the villains we can think of from the Marvel films. Some minor villains were left off the list, because who cares. And we briefly considered adding the Maximoff twins (we’re just now realizing how lazy it is that between them and Black Widow, the only Eastern European characters are named “Romanoff” and “Maximoff” but that’s a different article) because they literally were villains for, like, two scenes.

Anyway, we’ve likely left off a character you care about, and we’ve almost certainly placed someone on this list in a place that will make you feel pure rage, and we apologize for nothing. It’s a dumb article about fun movies based on silly comic books. Maybe just chill a bit, okay?

Anyway…onto the list.

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Every American President Who Was a Junior

“Lol try and guess my actual birth name. No, seriously, give it a shot.”

~Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford and Betty Ford

For most Americans with children, there is a sense of continuing your legacy that comes with siring a child. (Is that what parents call it? All of our writers are single and aren’t allowed to “hold their baby nephews” because we “reek of whiskey and, Jesus, is that what opium smells like?” so we’r out of our element here.) 

However, some parents (mostly fathers, honestly) want to take that concept a step further by actually passing on their name to their children. This should not shock you—there are many famous Juniors in the world, from Ken Griffey Jr. (the baseball player more successful than his baseball playing father) to Martin Luther King Jr. (the Civil Rights hero whose father founded Lutheranism, right? Our research staff has been MIA for a few months, honestly.)

However, not every Junior actually carries their Jr. title. Some, like your Dennis Juniors, go by initials like DJ. And others just drop the Jr. all together. 

Apparently, that latter category applies to a surprising amount of American presidents. And with the swearing in of Joe Biden, formally known as Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., we decided we’d look back at American history and let you know every president whose name is basically a photocopy of their father’s name. 

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Hell Yeah, Let’s Talk About the Four Seasons Press Conference

“Hahahahahaha WHAT? No, wait, this was a thing done by people who were paid salaries? This is the best thing.”

~Every AFFotD Staff Member

four-seasons-landscaping

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Which Characters From “Star Trek: The Next Generation” Fucked

“I thought we couldn’t get any lower than talking about how horny that Paper Mario N64 game was, but here we are…”

~Affotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

star trek the next generation cast

For reasons that should be apparent, our staff has had a lot of time on our hands to try to binge various tv series we’ve not previously seen. In this case, that show was Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Now, you might get a little public-distance-based unease at the idea of a group of drunk people watching 176 episodes of television inside during a pandemic, but don’t worry. Our staff has taken all the proper precautions.

We’ve literally never stepped foot outside of our office since March 15th. Except for one intern, who we send out twice a week to do all of our grocery shopping. He has to leave all the food and booze outside of our office and then he must scurry off to spend the rest of his time alone in a small, hermetically-sealed closet.

We don’t even talk to him over the phone, in case the virus can be transmitted wirelessly. He has lost his mind.

But enough about Darren, who apparently has changed his name to “Lorgon, the final man” in a fit of mania. Let’s talk about Star Trek. Because guess what?

This shit is HORNY.

Every Star Trek: The Next Generation Character Who Has Fucked

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Every Oscar-Nominated Actor Who Has Appeared in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe

“There are 44 Oscar nominees who have appeared in a Star Wars movie.”

~Our Staff, All Week, They Literally Won’t Shut Up About it

star wars logo

This article is very pointless and dumb for most people, and our writers are obsessed with it. Let’s talk about Star Wars, you buncha nerds.

Since 1977, the world has been gifted (and in some case, begrudgingly offered as a cash grab) eleven different films in the Star Wars Universe. There are also some animated tv shows out there if you really want to get deep into that shit.

During that time, many well-regarded actors with numerous accolades have appeared in a Star Wars film. Specifically, the Star Wars universe features a staggering amount of Academy Award nominated individuals who appear, either onscreen or as voices, in these films. We counted. It’s 44. 

Keep in mind, many other famous actors have appeared in these films who have not been nominated for an Academy Award. Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee have never received Oscar nominations, for example (though McGregor has Golden Globe nominations)

Frank Oz (a.k.a. Yoda) has an Emmy. Jimmy Smits (Bail Organa) has won a Golden Globe. By the way, did you know that Rose Byrne (2 Golden Globe nominations) was in Attack of the Clones?  And Joel Edgerton, who was in the prequel trilogy as young Owen Lars, has a Golden Globe nomination to his name for Loving. They are not on this list. But a LOT of people are! Anyway! Let’s get into this nerd fest!

Every Oscar-Nominee Who Has Appeared in a Star Wars Film

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A List of Oscars That MONEY PLANE Will Win at the 2021 Academy Award Ceremony

“It’s called the Money Plane. Some of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet are on that plane, all craving action. Whatever you want to wager on, the Money Plane has you covered. You want to bet on a dude fucking an alligator? Money Plane.”

~Darius Emmanuel Grouch III (a.k.a. The Ruckus)

moneyplane

On July 10th, just less than a week after its birthday, America was blessed with a belated gift. With of a reported budget of “under $50 million” according to Wikipedia (because the director jokingly said “Well it was under $50 million”) and an actual budget of, like, $75 bucks and the promise to delete several portable hard drives worth of compromising data, we were given MONEY PLANE.

And it’s the best film of 2020.

Don’t let the haters fool you. Don’t listen to the 3.3/10 rating on IMDB. Or the 27% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. This movie is gold.

And speaking of gold, we’re going to award it SEVENTEEN FUCKING ACADEMY AWARDS.

All of the Oscars Awarded to MONEY PLANE, the Best Movie of All Time

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