Tag Archives: NFL

The First Season of the NFL was Ridiculous

“You can’t both be called the Tigers.  Or you can.  Whatever.  We’re kind of making this up as we go along.”

~Jim Thorpe, the first president of the NFL

football

The NFL is part of our nation’s DNA, exhibiting everything we stand for.  Teamwork.  Perseverance.  Struggle.  Old white men punishing people when they dance too much in celebration.  A shocking inability to properly handle domestic abuse.  And, of course, Tom Brady’s cleft chin.  Imagining America without football is almost impossible.  What would we do with our winter Sundays?  Football is in the bible, you guys.  “On the seventh day, the Lord kicked back a 12 pack on his recliner and watched NFL Red Zone with a close eye on his fantasy team.”

We think.  Listen, just like most Americans, we like to use the bible to make our point, despite not having really “read it.”  But we digress.

The point is, as much as we assume that football has always been with us, there was a time when the league was brand new and very, very ridiculous.  So let’s hop in a time machine of words and go back to 1920, where the first season of a National Football League took place.  It was sloppy as hell.

The First Season of the NFL was Ridiculous

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The 2014-2015 NFL Playoff Picture

“Football!  Football football FOOTBALL!!!!”

~America

 nfl

Football had a bit of a rough year in 2014.  There’s not been a lot of bright spots in the sport between the various horrific crimes perpetrated by players that we don’t feel particularly comfortable making fun of and the fact that if you told us that Roger Goodell was planted in a position of power in the NFL by North Korea to slowly turn America against one of their favorite games as some long-term espionage strategy, we’d probably believe you for a second.

But as we ring in the New Year, so too do we usher in a special time for Americans far and wide—desperately hoping that your least favorite team doesn’t win the Super Bowl.  Yes, the NFL Playoffs are here, and while some of you might be cheering for your team to go deep into the 2015 playoffs, others of you might have the unfortunate handicap of being fans of, say, the Bears, or the Buccaneers.  It’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault.

Though it’s easy to assume that everyone has been following the highs and lows of the 2014 NFL season, some of you might not really like sports.  We get it.  You’d rather not waste your time getting emotionally invested in a team of millionaires whose sole connection to you rests in what city they happen to be playing for.  But to you, American non-sports-fan, we’ll want to point out one thing.  You say that shit while invited to a Super Bowl party, and you’re going to be pissing off everyone in the room.  So, for you, Mr. sports skeptic, we’re going to delve into the twelve teams that will be playing starting on Saturday, with the hopes that you’ll learn a little something about this year’s best teams in America’s favorite sport.  Also we’ll talk about the Panthers.

The 2014-2015 NFL Playoff Picture

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America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

“I feel more connected to my team and engaged in this sporting event for reasons totally unrelated to arousal!”

~American Males Watching Cheerleaders at a Sporting Event

Nothing celebrates the flower of American womanhood quite like cheerleading.  We take athletic, energetic, scantily clad women, and have them hypnotize predominantly male audiences at sporting events into learning how to spell team names.  We also decided to create a bitter, occasionally violent, rivalry between them and girl volleyball players, because hey, cat fight.  It’s a beautiful tradition that our nation embraces wholeheartedly, and it’s what separates us from the goddamn Europeans. However, the names of most of these teams are so embarrassing that those of us with a weak stomach for poorly misplaced puns sometimes question if it’s even worth it.  That’s why we’re here, with the help of some outside research from an intrepid AFFotD supporter who felt that “the people HAVE to know” to run down the best and worst of the Cheer Squad names in America.  Well, it’s more like the so-so and the worst.  Okay most of them are just plain awful.  Let’s move on and post some pictures of women not wearing a lot of clothing to skyrocket the page views for this sucker then, shall we?

America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

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In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees

“Derp de derp I don’t know what pants are.”

~NFL Replacement Referees

America is founded on the tradition of people getting to be on TV for being worse at life than everyone.  It is with that intrepid spirit that the National Football League decided that their current crop of referees were doing too much “officiating” and “ensuring that games don’t break down into melees involving dozens of giant men” for their liking, and they hired the various descendants of Mr. Magoo to help fill in.  While the NFL is still negotiating vigorously to reach a compromise on a reasonable price, they’ve still been unable to procure the rights to Yakety Sax so we’ve not yet gotten to see the replacement referees the way Roger Goodell intended.

But as an organization that has made a name for themselves through their tireless commitment to the art of going to work drunk, we here at AFFotD are here to offer our full support to these trailblazers of ineptitude.  Because no matter how bad they are at their jobs, Blockbuster managers had to go somewhere after they drove their business into the ground, right?  And no matter how culpable Roger Goodell might appear in all of this, if America was founded on the belief that evil, egotistical, megalomaniacal men shouldn’t hold positions of power, there’d be a lot fewer Chinese corpses buried along our railroad lines.  And with that, we offer you…

In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees
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The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

“Huh.  Guess that God thing only goes so far.”

~Timothy Richard Tebow

The beauty of American sports lies in the glory of victory, but mainly the agony of defeat.  Not De-Feet, Rex Ryan, but you are right, making foot fetish jokes about the Jets is another perk of being a sports fan.  But the fact of the matter is that, no matter what, by the end of a season there is a greater chance that your team will not end up being the champions, and if you’re a Cubs fan there’s an implied certainty that not only will your team not go all the way, but you’ll probably lose your house in a fire while a re-invented Carlos Zambrano pitches a perfect game for the Miami Marlins.

And while some teams fizzle midway through the year, and most teams never have a shot, some may argue that the most devastating heartbreak can come when a team gets so close to the ultimate prize just to see it ultimately fall through their trembling, bacon-grease-covered fingers.  And as America finds itself deep into the NFL Playoffs, more and more fan bases have to see that one ultimate defeat that’ll make their entire transcendent season utterly meaningless, unless you were able to ride Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees to help you win your fantasy league.  Because at least that way those two QBs were able to win something this year.

So for the fans that spent all season bragging about the historic year of their franchise who are left standing with a gaping jaw wondering how they could have possibly given up 37 points to Eli Fucking Manning, we here at AFFotD are here to give you this handy guide.

The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

 

He might not be playing in the Super Bowl, but he’s a shoe-in for that part in the Green Bay Community Theater production of “Newsies”

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