“I just wanted to root for the Cubs, why do we have to bring death into this?”
~Normal Baseball Fans
Look at that right there. That, friends, is a bad idea for a sports shirt. It’s not for sale anymore since, you know, the Cubs won one before many (not all ☹) people died. But as sports apparel, it’s shockingly bad. It’s awkward, it’s weird, and it makes everyone involved uncomfortable. And it’s hardly unique among athletic paraphernalia. There are a shocking amount of shirts, jerseys, and, well, miscellaneous items out there for sale that are intended to show your mettle as a true “super fan” that back fire in truly spectacular ways. Here are some of those items.
The Worst Sports Fan Apparel Ever Made
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange America
Tagged America, Apparel, Bad Sports Apparel, baltimore ravens, Boston Celtics, Green Bay Packers, Michigan State, Spartans, Sports, Sports Apparel, Toronto Blue Jays, Victoria's Secret
“The shit is this?”
~AFFotD’s Sports Ambassadors
We all know there are only four sports that really count—football, basketball, baseball when you’re drunk, and hockey when your team is in the playoffs. Many try to convince America otherwise, but they’re misguided people who get excited about sitting down for two hours to watch 22 people run around without scoring a single goal, so you can cram your “soccer is the most popular sport in the world” shit right where the sun don’t shine.
Now, sure, every once and a while we pretend we like soccer, usually when our team is doing good, or when we randomly decide to expose FIFA corruption for reasons totally unrelated to them not giving us a World Cup since 1996, so we can at least sympathize with the people who have been brainwashed since birth into thinking that people kicking a ball to each other repeatedly on a giant field is entertaining, but we can’t say the same for what is apparently the second most popular sport in the world—cricket.
Cricket is bullshit. But we don’t know anything about it. So we’ve decided to try something new—we will comb through the Wikipedia page for the sport, and try to explain to you the rules, as far as we can understand, so you can learn how truly stupid the sport is.
AFFotd Presents: America’s Attempt to Understand Cricket
“Go beer, let’s win some vomit!”
~College Game Day Crowds
College is a special time in an American’s life where getting shitcanned drunk every night makes you a party rock star, and not someone who ever has family and friends set them aside to say “we’re really worried about your drinking, you say you do it as research for that website you write, but all of your friends who write at that job are degenerate drunks and we don’t want to see you continue this tailspin that you’re in.”
Of course, of the many college traditions that have been meticulously documented in dozens of educational documentary “National Lampoon” films, there is one that remains timeless, and is as acceptable at age 80 as it is at age 20- getting sloppy drunk to watch 19 year old football players get paid nothing to beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. Students and alumni alike can gather on game day, drink, and scream, “KILL HIM KILL BREAK THAT 19 YEAR OLD BOY’S LEG AND TAKE AWAY HIS FUTURE LIVELIHOOD WE’RE DOWN BY THREE” in harmony (well, the kind of harmony that tends to involve a lot of “getting into fights with fans of the opposing team”).
As we approach the one-month mark for the 2013 NCAA football season, we’d like to take a step back and appreciate some Americans who knew how to respond to a loud, bustling, social situation with remarkable composure and baaaahaha no we’re just pulling your legs, here’s a list of some hilariously drunk college football fans.
Five Americans Hilariously Drunk At College Football Games
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged America, College, College football, Drinking, drunk fans, Fiesta Bowl, Florida, Florida State, Football, Johnny Football, LSU, National Anthem, Orange Bowl, Oregon, Samantha Lynn goudie, Sports, Texas A&M
“I feel more connected to my team and engaged in this sporting event for reasons totally unrelated to arousal!”
~American Males Watching Cheerleaders at a Sporting Event
Nothing celebrates the flower of American womanhood quite like cheerleading. We take athletic, energetic, scantily clad women, and have them hypnotize predominantly male audiences at sporting events into learning how to spell team names. We also decided to create a bitter, occasionally violent, rivalry between them and girl volleyball players, because hey, cat fight. It’s a beautiful tradition that our nation embraces wholeheartedly, and it’s what separates us from the goddamn Europeans. However, the names of most of these teams are so embarrassing that those of us with a weak stomach for poorly misplaced puns sometimes question if it’s even worth it. That’s why we’re here, with the help of some outside research from an intrepid AFFotD supporter who felt that “the people HAVE to know” to run down the best and worst of the Cheer Squad names in America. Well, it’s more like the so-so and the worst. Okay most of them are just plain awful. Let’s move on and post some pictures of women not wearing a lot of clothing to skyrocket the page views for this sucker then, shall we?
America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names
Posted in Athletes
Tagged 2012 olympics, America, Atlanta Falcons, Baseball, Basketball, Bring It On, Carolina Panthers, cheer squads, Cheerleaders, cheerleading, Chicago Bears, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Cowboys, Dance Group, Football, Hockey, Ice Crew, Miami Dolphins, MLB, NBA, New Jersey Jets, New Orleans Saints, NFL, NHL, Sports
“What do you mean I’m not ‘allowed’ to quit!?”
Two weeks ago, we took an investigative reporter, whose name we had to redact for obvious reasons, and let him loose in a Vegan restaurant. Last week, we felt like we had to make it up to him, so we gave him a night full of whiskey and boots. Of course, we also tricked him into signing a contract making him our permanent fixture as an investigative journalist. Oh, and he can’t sue us, no matter what stresses we put him through. So we figured we’d do the American thing…and abuse our new found freedom. Enjoy writing a review of a game of Cricket, [REDACTED], you jackass.
Posted in [REDACTED]
Tagged America, Baseball, Cricket, England, Football, Ireland, Jacksonville Jaguars, Redacted, Sports, Vegan, Whiskey