“Go beer, let’s win some vomit!”
~College Game Day Crowds
College is a special time in an American’s life where getting shitcanned drunk every night makes you a party rock star, and not someone who ever has family and friends set them aside to say “we’re really worried about your drinking, you say you do it as research for that website you write, but all of your friends who write at that job are degenerate drunks and we don’t want to see you continue this tailspin that you’re in.”
Of course, of the many college traditions that have been meticulously documented in dozens of educational documentary “National Lampoon” films, there is one that remains timeless, and is as acceptable at age 80 as it is at age 20- getting sloppy drunk to watch 19 year old football players get paid nothing to beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. Students and alumni alike can gather on game day, drink, and scream, “KILL HIM KILL BREAK THAT 19 YEAR OLD BOY’S LEG AND TAKE AWAY HIS FUTURE LIVELIHOOD WE’RE DOWN BY THREE” in harmony (well, the kind of harmony that tends to involve a lot of “getting into fights with fans of the opposing team”).
As we approach the one-month mark for the 2013 NCAA football season, we’d like to take a step back and appreciate some Americans who knew how to respond to a loud, bustling, social situation with remarkable composure and baaaahaha no we’re just pulling your legs, here’s a list of some hilariously drunk college football fans.
Five Americans Hilariously Drunk At College Football Games
College football tailgates, and the games themselves, have a striking resemblance to street gangs. There’s a strong sense of camaraderie, people are discretely handing out copious amounts of restricted substances, and if someone strolls by wearing the wrong colors, there’s a very real chance they will get killed. It’s a very forgiving environment (again, unless you’re, say, wearing an Auburn shirt at Alabama) where drunkenly puking on someone’s shoes normally doesn’t warrant a response angrier than, “Oh, dude, come on, party foul!”
It takes a special kind of “drunken asshattery” to stand out in the boozy haze that is a college sporting event, but we’ve at least found a partial list of some impressively drunk American football fans. Because if God didn’t want us drinking on Saturday, we would know how to finish that sentence.
Bros Too Drunk To Sing The National Anthem (But Still Try)
There’s a reason why most football games start in the early afternoon on Saturdays—American custom dictates that as soon as you see Lee Corso put on a giant anthropomorphic mascot head, a little starting pistol should go off in your head and you should be allowed (nay, entitled) to drink all of the beers. Putting a game at night is just reckless. The crowd at a college night game is drunker than a Led Zeppelin tour bus, which is harder to pull off than you might imagine.
While the above gif might show you some typical so-drunk-they-can-barely-keep-their-eyes-open antics from Florida State fans at the 2013 Orange Bowl, what you’re really witnessing is a group of people so drunk they’re having a hard time remembering America. Because video of this National Anthem performance shows that not only are these gentlemen (and…ha, holy shit, is that older dude an off duty security guard? Or maybe an on duty one?!) are so drunk they can’t even keep up with the Star Spangled Banner.
You might imagine we’d be offended by this since, you know, they’re kinda fucking up America’s song, but you’d be wrong. In fact, we’re a little proud. These guys have gotten theory of relativity drunk (the drunker you get, the more time slows down around you), and on camera no less, but here they are, still trying to push through and sing along the whole anthem. If you ask us, that makes it even more American. Mainly because alcohol makes everything more American, but you knew that already.
The Man Who Got So Drunk They Had To Evacuate A Women’s Restroom
Everyone reading this has gotten drunk, and most of you have gotten so drunk you’ve been an embarrassment to yourself and your friends, but we can pretty safely say none of you have gotten so drunk you’ve caused a minor public health crisis. But some nameless Oregon fan at the 2013 Fiesta Bowl was able to be just that when he got so drunk he stumbled into the women’s bathroom and began vomiting uncontrollably. Now, take a moment to let that really sink in. Someone was so drunk that they stumbled into the women’s bathroom (meaning they were either the kind of drunk that couldn’t decipher between the men’s bathroom and women’s bathroom sign, or they were the kind of drunk that thought, “Ooo I’m gonna meet me some lovely ladies in my current charming state). He then passed out and fell to the floor…at which point he started vomiting.
We ran it by some of our female writers here at AFFotD and they confirmed that if some drunk dude smashed into a public bathroom while we were there, fell to the floor, and started vomiting, they would scream, “OH WHAT THE FUCK” and get the hell out of there as quickly as humanly possible. First of all, that’s probably the worst surprise you could encounter at a public bathroom, which is honestly saying something. And also, let’s be fair, if you saw that happen part of you would think, “Oh shit…is this the beginning of the zombie apocalypse?”
Either way, hundreds of bladder-full women basically rushed the fuck out of there, probably screaming because Jesus Christ wouldn’t you? And official personal had to actually evacuate the room, meaning they had to go in pass the retching drunk passed out Oregon fan and check under stalls to make sure no one’s trying to take advantage of one time in their lives they’re at a crowded event without a line for a stall.
The Fiesta Bowl also featured twenty people being ejected from the game in a 30 minute period due to “alcohol violations”, a drunk person calling the cops to complain about being escorted out of the event, and someone assaulting a Liquor Enforcement Officer because, yeah, fuck that guy. All of which, honestly, makes us just so very proud.
Drunk Fat LSU Fans vs. Drunk Fat Florida Fans: Pole Dance Off
Back in 2011, LSU and Florida were gearing up for an intense game, spawned by a rivalry that dates back to 1958. Tensions no doubt were running high between the two fan bases, and as any good doctor would tell you, the best way to handle nerves is to start drinking, after all, it calms you down, it steadies your hand, and if you botch this kid’s appendectomy what are the chances he’ll even notice?
So, in this proverbial football realm of Montagues and Capulets, two drunk brave men decided to bridge the gulf between LSU and Florida fans in a truly American fashion—by taking off their shirts, exposing their ample bellies, and then dancing around a stop sign like it’s a sterilized platinum pole at the Lusty Leopard. Seriously, watch that video, just soak it in. It starts off with some primal screaming from some woman who keeps it up the whole video, a mix between “Elvis has entered the building” and “well, King Solomon has decided it’s only fair to cut my child in half.” From there you get to the stop sign just in time to see a fat bald man take off his Florida shirt and start gyrating in front of a stop sign.
Then of course, an already shirtless fat bald man wearing LSU colors decides, “That looks like a blast LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED” and they just sort of start gyrating into each other’s eyes as a good Samaritan walks over, pours a bottle of water (seductively) on the LSU fan, and the two end their dance of passion with the highest of fives.
When you have multiple grinning fat dudes jiggling around on purpose with their shirts off, you’re either watching some footage from the 90’s of people auditioning to be Chris Farley’s stunt double in Beverly Hills Ninja, or you’re witnessing two dudes who have reached that extreme level of intoxication where they know, in their heart of hearts, that nothing in the world would be funnier than them taking off their shirts and doing a sexy dance. Of course, they’re 100% correct on that one.
Two Wasted Texas A&E Co-Eds Love Johnny Football Almost As Much As Johnny Football Loves Johnny Football (Johnny Football Edition)
Have you ever reached that level of drunk where social conventions sort of fly out the window? As in, normally you go to a public bathroom in a bar, and you know the rule—eyes forward, head high, not a word until you’ve splashed water on your hands (because who has time for soap) and exited the facilities. But, after a certain level of drunk, you see no problem strolling up, right next to someone in the urinal, and saying, “Man, I wonder why they put ice here, you think it’s so we don’t have to flush the toilet?” It’s a wildly inappropriate way to act in a public setting, the exact kind of thing your parents raised you not to say, but your brain wants to make friends, and some of the best friendships were (probably) (but honestly, not at all) started where both parties had their penises out.
Anyway, as Jeff Jamison (a.k.a. the world’s most professional on-site reporter) was giving an onsite report on Texas A&M before they started playing in the 2013 AT&T Cotton Bowl when two wasted girls showed up to let us know that they had reached the “talk to the person at the urinal next you” level of drunk. Most of us, when we see a camera and a well-coiffed individual speaking into a microphone, understand that a live broadcast is going on, and that we aren’t allowed to just go up and talk to the dude currently giving a news report. No, the acceptable thing to do in that situation is to stand in the background and make silly faces. Obviously.
These girls do not understand this, as they go up to Jamison (great name, by the way, just work on the spelling for next time) and start slurring, “Johnny Footballllllllll! Woooo! JOHNNY FOOTBALL!” because if you’re going to interrupt a conversation, it actually works pretty well, metaphorically, if you do it by repeatedly slurring the nickname of a player who basically already has a Controversies section on his Wikipedia page before even reaching a legal drinking ages.
They proceed to talk about how they “know” Johnny Manziel (Biblically) and the more-plotzed of the two keeps asking where the weed is. Easily the best part is the rambling closing lines of the woman on the left (as the anchor cackles in laughter) as she slurred, “We are going to win, we have always been great in this, like, SEC, we’ve been great in the SEC, we’ve, like, definitely found our spot in the SEC, so we’re going to win, OU has nothing on us, c’mon y’all.”
Come on y’all indeed. And while that is an impressive display of, well, something, it has nothing compared to drunk college football’s undisputed Queen.
Samantha Lynn Goudie Doesn’t Need An Intro
Samantha Lynn Goudie made the news a few weeks back because not only did the 22-year old woman try to storm the field at an Iowa football game with a .341 BAC, she live-tweeted the whole goddamn thing oh and also she went by the handle Vodka_Samm. When we heard about a young, attractive, foulmouthed woman who calls herself Vodka Sam while getting nearly-fatally drunk, half of our staff took their vacation days to track her down and make her their wife. If you want to know what kind of American champion we’re dealing with, look no further than this screenshot from her (since deleted) twitter account.
Oh, and here was her mugshot.
Immediately after being released from jail, she posted the following tweets. “Just went to jail #yolo.” “Blew a .341 in jail.” “I’m going to get .341 tattooed on me because its so epic.” “My mom hates me too.”
Keep in mind, she was still probably slammered when she posted all those, which is a near miracle, and definitely adds fuel to the “Is this the ideal American?” conversation our staffers are inappropriately having at the moment.
The next day, while possibly a little sober, she posted, “Girl waiting for court with me goes ‘I wish I knew the girl who blew a .341’. I said hi.” She apparently had a lot of people giving her a hard time on social media over her “drunk enough to almost, oh, you know, die” shenanigans, which we think is unfair. Samantha, never change. You’re a true American princess, and goddamn girl you know how to put them away. Our email is just to the right, feel free to drop us a line. We’ll do shots.