“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”
~Initial Statement Made By An AFFotD Staffer to His Arresting Officer
Most of us will go through our lives without having to feel the cold steel of handcuffs on our wrists outside of sexually adventurous situations. The rest of us, disproportionately made up of our nation’s finer drinkers, have felt that feeling because we’ve been arrested. Deserved or not, any time you’re arrested it’s fair to say it’s not one of your better days. However, most of us in that situation do either one of two things—the calm and rational of us just shut up and wait till they can get legal representation to sort that shit out, and the more hot headed of us lose their shit and make things worse. However, there is a third category.
Some of us, when we meet an arresting officer, say something idiotic, yet hilarious. This is about those Americans.
Dumb and Funny Initial Statements Made To An Arresting Officer
“Even to make love, you need experience.”
~Pedro Ramos, 54-year-old pitcher for the Senior Professional Baseball Association. Seriously.
As a nation, we have more options for live sporting events then we know what to do with. Between high school, college, and professional levels of football, baseball, basketball, and sure, hockey, Americans could conceivably see a live sporting event every single day of the year without even having to consider lowering themselves to watch a Major League Soccer match. But with so many games at our disposal, we’ve reached a bit of a saturation point, and trying to add another league to the market is practically impossible. Remember the XFL? A multi-millionaire tried to make a new football league, and even with a player named “He Hate Me” basically got laughed out of existence in less than a year.
It’s hard to start a sporting league now and really get enough interest to keep it in existence. Never was that more obvious than in 1989 when real-estate millionaire Jim Morley decided to start the Senior Professional Baseball Association. What’s the SPBA, you ask? Well, unfortunately for those of us that have to type it out, they didn’t call it that. It went by “The Senior League.” But the Senior League was a short lived (it lasted one-and-a-half seasons) winter professional baseball league that took place entirely in Florida with players who had to be older than 35 (except the catchers, who could be 32). And it is probably one of the most delightfully batshit leagues to have ever been played in these United States. So let’s go on a history lesson, shall we?
The History of the Senior Professional Baseball Association
“Go beer, let’s win some vomit!”
~College Game Day Crowds
College is a special time in an American’s life where getting shitcanned drunk every night makes you a party rock star, and not someone who ever has family and friends set them aside to say “we’re really worried about your drinking, you say you do it as research for that website you write, but all of your friends who write at that job are degenerate drunks and we don’t want to see you continue this tailspin that you’re in.”
Of course, of the many college traditions that have been meticulously documented in dozens of educational documentary “National Lampoon” films, there is one that remains timeless, and is as acceptable at age 80 as it is at age 20- getting sloppy drunk to watch 19 year old football players get paid nothing to beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. Students and alumni alike can gather on game day, drink, and scream, “KILL HIM KILL BREAK THAT 19 YEAR OLD BOY’S LEG AND TAKE AWAY HIS FUTURE LIVELIHOOD WE’RE DOWN BY THREE” in harmony (well, the kind of harmony that tends to involve a lot of “getting into fights with fans of the opposing team”).
As we approach the one-month mark for the 2013 NCAA football season, we’d like to take a step back and appreciate some Americans who knew how to respond to a loud, bustling, social situation with remarkable composure and baaaahaha no we’re just pulling your legs, here’s a list of some hilariously drunk college football fans.
Five Americans Hilariously Drunk At College Football Games
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged America, College, College football, Drinking, drunk fans, Fiesta Bowl, Florida, Florida State, Football, Johnny Football, LSU, National Anthem, Orange Bowl, Oregon, Samantha Lynn goudie, Sports, Texas A&M
“I’m from here *points to arbitrary point on hand*”
~Every Michigan resident
At this point, you likely are familiar with the setup here. The American States of America takes each and every state, one by one, and tells you their most American quality. Some states are great at drinking. Some are great at inventing fatty foods. We’re pretty sure one of them leads the nation in motorcycle-riding-obese-Dwarfs per capita. We don’t know what state that is, but we want to go there right the fuck now. But until then, we’ll just focus on the things that make the following American states so damn American.
Posted in The American States of America!
Tagged America, America States Of America, American States of America, Beer, Cheese Curds, Florida, Iowa, Mars Cheese Castle, michigan, New Glarus, Red Dawn, State Fair, Texas, Wisconsin
“Jack Thompson is a douchetard”
The America Fun Fact of the Day office takes pride in showing the best and brightest of America. When our readers see these tales of past and present heroes, we like to think they strive to be better Americans, to grab life by the horns, go down swinging, and various other clichés. Early bird gets the worm. Whatever.
And while it’s easy to look at shining beacons of American hope, we often overlook the sinkholes in our society. Unfortunately, for every Abraham Lincoln, there is a John Wileks Booth. For every FDR, there’s a Snookie. For every Jack Kerouac, there is a hungover America Fun Fact of the Day writer making a cheap Jersey Shore joke that will read as gibberish in five years. To truly see our own greatness, we have to see how we, as a nation, deal with punk ass idiots.
Jack Thompson is one of those punk ass idiots.
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, FDR, Florida, Jack Kerouac, Jack Thompson is a douchebag, Japan, Jersey Shore, John Wilkes Booth, North Korea, Penny Arcade, Snookie