“Jack Thompson is a douchetard”
The America Fun Fact of the Day office takes pride in showing the best and brightest of America. When our readers see these tales of past and present heroes, we like to think they strive to be better Americans, to grab life by the horns, go down swinging, and various other clichés. Early bird gets the worm. Whatever.
And while it’s easy to look at shining beacons of American hope, we often overlook the sinkholes in our society. Unfortunately, for every Abraham Lincoln, there is a John Wileks Booth. For every FDR, there’s a Snookie. For every Jack Kerouac, there is a hungover America Fun Fact of the Day writer making a cheap Jersey Shore joke that will read as gibberish in five years. To truly see our own greatness, we have to see how we, as a nation, deal with punk ass idiots.
Jack Thompson is one of those punk ass idiots.
Jack Thompson is a horrible human being, a man with very little social grace or common sense, yet as a mere (now disbarred) attorney, he somehow has a longer Wikipedia page than Kevin Bacon. Reading his Wikipedia entry reads like a “Controversy” section where no one has gotten around to writing the rest of the biographical information. If you named your daughter “Ambulance,” he would never stop running after her. Jack Thompson is so slimy that he’s not allowed to swim in the ocean, since that would technically be considered an oil spill. Pigeons avoid shitting on his car while he’s driving because they assume they have already shit repeatedly on the driver’s seat. No one knows what happens if you say “Jack Thompson” three times in a mirror, because after the second time you begin to vomit uncontrollably. Jack Thompson is only able to achieve climax when he reads about a school shooting, and he is such a raging asshole that for legal reasons we have to state that the entire contents of this article are composed of satirical and allegorical content that in no way constitute a character defamation or any real or perceived threats of physical violence, and the ideas expressed in this article are meant to be interpreted in a fictional context, and in no way are aimed at any particular individual, rather they are inherently farcical for comedic effect and should not be accepted as established opinions regarding any specific individual, and that the Jack Thompson described in this article is a fictional entity that in no way is meant to resemble an existing person. Because if we don’t say that, he will sue us.
If Jack Thompson ever stuffed a bee-hive down his pants, he would sue the honey industry for physical assault. Jack Thompson is so allergic to having fun that he goes to children’s parties to serve cease and desist notices.
In 1988, Jack Thompson tried to sue a radio station for 200 million dollars, saying that they agreed to pay him $5,000 for each time they mentioned his name. That means that Jack Thompson believes that his name, spoken once, is worth than your television set, bed, and two months of rent combined. The only reason why there are lightning storms in Florida is that Jack Thompson lives there and God has shitty aim.
Jack Thompson is so homophobic that he makes men put on wigs and lipstick when he has gay sex with them. On his birth certificate, his mother is listed as “bigotry” and his father is listed as “vasoline.” Jack Thompson is so crazy that pink elephants playing ukuleles see him when they hallucinate.
Jack Thompson made a name for himself by attempting to censor and ban everything that people born after 1970 enjoy. First, he attempted to censor rap music, before he found his true calling of trying to make video games incredibly boring. If a Goomba was discovered in the Amazon forest today, he would be the first to sue Mario for war crimes.
Since Sony is a Japanese company, Thompson has publically stated that the proliferation of video games is “like Pearl Harbor.” Jack Thompson is so racist against Japanese people that his passport lists his name as North Korea. Jack Thompson is so paranoid that he issued a cease and desist order to the makers of Mortal Kombat because people could use the “create a player” option to make a character that looks like Jack Thompson. Seriously. If you were to place an Xbox on the front doorstep of Jack Thompsons’ house, his first logical assumption would be that it had gained sentience and was planning on destroying him.
The National Institute on Media and the Family once asked Jack Thompson to stop invoking the group’s name in his arguments, since he was making them look bad. If Jack Thompson applied to join the KKK, his application would be turned down because they just don’t need the bad press.
Jesus guys, it’s spelled “wait,” get your shit together.
Jack Thompson (actually) once attempted to influence a murder investigation of a 17-year old, assuming that it was caused by video games. He explained this logic by pointing out that the victim had been shot in the face and, “Nobody shoots anybody in the face unless you’re a hit man or a video gamer.” Jack Thompson knows so little about murder that we could mail him a handgun with our home address, a plane ticket, and a solid alibi and he wouldn’t know what to do next.
Jack Thompson once wrote an open letter saying he would donate $10,000 to charity if a video game company created a video game where a man whose son had been murdered by video gamers went on a killing spree at the video game headquarters, killing avatars of the executives. When the game was created, he claimed he was “just joking” and refused to make the donation. The writers of Penny Arcade made the donation instead to a children’s charity, proving that Jack Thompson hates children and wants to do nothing to help them. Jack Thompson is such a terrible person that he often confuses “Shoes” with “Babies.”
Here is an email exchange between Jack Thompson and a video executive, which is both hilarious and abrasive.
After years of submitting court motions littered with doodles of swastikas, dollar bills, houses of cards, and gay pornography (seriously, seriously all of that, seriously), the Florida bar finally decided to disbar Thompson for reasons of, “Hell, even we’re surprised it took us this long to get around to this.” He still continued to try to practice law, because Jack Thompson is so stubborn and impossible to get rid of that herpes views him as a mentor.
And despite all of this, despite everything that this terrible example of a human being represents, America Fun Fact of the Day takes solace in knowing that America is great. Because everyone else in America is not Jack Thompson, and in comparison, we are all American heroes deserving of our own America Fun Fact of the Day. Because while we likely won’t be as epic as Teddy Roosevelt, we will never sink as low as Jack Thompson.