Category Archives: The American States of America!

America has fifty states. We’ve never counted, but our grandma once gave us that collector cardboard slab with holes to place each state’s quarters in it when that was popular in 1999, and we’re pretty sure it had the number “fifty” somewhere on there.

So what better way to celebrate the diverse ways that America is great by going through each state and listing their most American quality? Well, yes, bourbon WOULD sound good right now, but this comes in at a close second.

The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 10 of 10)

“Don’t say it’s the musical.  I swear to God, you’d better not say it’s the musical.”

~Oklahoma residents

america states of america

PART TEN

It’s been a long, magical, pissing-off-a-lot-of-people-from-the-more-prideful-states ride, but here we are, in part 10 of our American States of America series, where we go through each and every state in this wonderful nation and tell you what we like most about them.  And after this last segment, from Delaware to Hawaii, every state will have been represented (unless Puerto Rico finally sneaks into the Union, but we don’t know if that’s the best idea, simply because we’ve yet to find a true American who didn’t get nervous trying to count to a number higher than 50).

So it’s with a heavy liver heart that we end this segment.  But don’t you worry, we’ll always be there for America, telling you all the best way to get drunk, or how you can make your cholesterol so high that anyone who takes your blood has to be diagnosed with heart disease.   But until then, we have some final states to introduce.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 9 of 10)

“Go ahead, AFFotD.  Try to sound informed when you talk about us.”

~A weirdly smug Montana resident

america states of america

PART NINE

It’s been a long, weird, occasionally rage inducing ride, but we’re nearing the end of our American States of America series where we tell you, the residents of individual states in America, what the most American quality of your home state is, no matter how much you disagree.  Shut up Kansas, we don’t care what you have to say we’re sticking with Superman as your most American trait.  Deal.  When it comes to America, our word is gospel.

Except for Montana.  We don’t have a goddamn clue what to say about Montana.  But we made a promise, and that’s a promise we can keep.  May Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost have mercy on our souls.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 8 of 10)

“We have hookers, gambling, and no actual open container laws.  Oh sorry, is that the sound of you booking a ticket?”

~Residents of Las Vegas

america states of america

PART EIGHT

When one of our readers asked us to list every state in America and tell him the most American part about each one, he expected an email with a list of fifty sentences like “Illinois gets you fat” and “New Yorkers don’t like us anymore because of how much we made fun of them in this article series.”  What he didn’t expect was 10,000 words spread out over seven articles with the promise of writing three more no matter how many emails we get saying things like, “Pleeease, just stop, we don’t care what you think, go back to writing about expensive vodka or something” and, “I don’t appreciate all these Texas jokes, you’re dead motherfucker.”

Well, we have ten more states, which means we have ten more chances to make a bad impression.  So let’s start with…

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 7 of 10)

“Don’t worry, we’re not going to actually read this.  We honestly don’t care.”

~Current residents of California

america states of america

PART SEVEN

At this point, there’s not much more we can do to prepare you for this segment.  If you’ve been reading from the beginning of the series, you know that we’re going through every state to list their most American quality.  If you don’t know we’re doing that, hi there, sort of weird that you found this page after googling “Blake Lively Bestiality Sex Video” and you might want to talk to a professional about that particular fetish, but otherwise you can go back to the beginning of this series by clicking here.  Or you can just keep reading as we list the 31st through the 35th state to join this fine Union.  Starting with…

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 6 of 10)

“I’m from here *points to arbitrary point on hand*”

~Every Michigan resident

america states of america

PART SIX

At this point, you likely are familiar with the setup here.  The American States of America takes each and every state, one by one, and tells you their most American quality.  Some states are great at drinking.  Some are great at inventing fatty foods.  We’re pretty sure one of them leads the nation in motorcycle-riding-obese-Dwarfs per capita.  We don’t know what state that is, but we want to go there right the fuck now.  But until then, we’ll just focus on the things that make the following American states so damn American.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 5 of 10)

“Oh, Chicago?  Al Capone!  Ratt-att-att!  Michael Jordon!  Swoosh!”

~Foreigners upon hearing the word “Illinois”

america states of america

PART FIVE

We’ve spent the last 6,000 words on this site devoted to each and every slice of Americana as represented by the American traits of every American state.  It’s not been an easy journey.  After our half-hearted endorsement of Mississippi, someone snuck into our office and started putting antifreeze into our coffee maker in an effort to poison our staff.  Luckily for us, the treatment of antifreeze poisoning is alcohol, and we’ve literally never had a cup of coffee that wasn’t at least 50% whiskey, but we still have come to recognize that you’re not going to please everyone when you set out to find the most American quality of each state.  Except for Rhode Islanders.  They were actually surprisingly pleased that we gave them a solid 350 words.  We think they were lonely and just thankful for the attention.

So, we continue onward, marching from the states we all are intimately familiar with all the way through Wyoming.  Do you know anyone from Wyoming?  Didn’t think so.  But you do know someone from the following state.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 4 of 10)

“No, this is MY Jack Daniels.  Don’t touch it!  MINE!  ALL for ME!”

~The greatest Tennessean

america states of america

PART FOUR

America has so many states, we can’t count them all right now because cards on the table we’re pretty hammered at the moment, but it’s at least twenty, and we know that because we’ve already listed the most American qualities of the first fifteen states to join the United States, and we’ve got a list of five more right here.  Fasten your seat belts, readers, you can ask yourself why you’d need seat belts while sitting at your desk (or while on the toilet—hi there smart phone users!) some other time, because we’re here to continue our American states of America feature with the most American qualities of states number 16-20.  For America!

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 3 of 10)

“Thank God they’re finally getting to New York on this list.  New York doesn’t get enough written about it.  New York is the most important city in the most important state in the most important country in the world, and they’d better give it it’s due.  Honestly, just knowing that AFFotD is going to write about the most American aspect of New York gives me chills, because I can’t fathom how they could limit it to JUST one thing!  New York is THE cultural hotbed of the nation.  If it weren’t for New York, we WOULDN’T HAVE ANY CULTURE!  I honestly don’t see why you’d live anywhere else.  Sure, some people might rag on us, say we come off as entitled and just because we pay a thousand dollars to live in a closet space in Manhattan doesn’t make us better than anyone else, but to them I’d say that if you can make it here, you can make it ANYWHERE.  And if you don’t like the New York attitude, you clearly just don’t like being a winner.  New York has the best food in the nation, it has the best theater in the nation, all the best TV shows and movies are filmed here, our women are more attractive than your women, our men are more successful than your men, our babies’ shit has a less unpleasant consistency than your babies’ shit, if you’re in New York you know it’s for a reason, and it’s because you’re the cream of the crop, the best America has to offer.  And I’m not talking about those mindless drones tittering around Central Park with their cameras and their Kansas City notions, I’m talking about REAL New Yorkers.  The Lawyers in Manhattan, the Graphic Designers in Brooklyn, the…well I don’t know anyone who lives in Queens, but I do know that you, right now, wish you were us, and I don’t blame you.  Oh man, I’m so excited to see what they pick out as the most American part of New York.  You have no idea.  It better not be the Statue of Liberty, because that’s just for fucking tourists.  Maybe it’ll be that our parties NEVER stop, I mean, we ARE the city that never sleeps after all.  Man.  So excited.  New York is the greatest.  I’m the greatest.  Yeah.  I’m so great.”

~A randomly surveyed New Yorker

america states of america

PART THREE

As you may have no doubt surmised, we’re diving head first into part three of our epic ten-part series, The American States of America, where we list the most American quality of each state, and you deflate a bit with disappointment when you read what we have to say about where you’re from.  As we list each state in order of when they were admitted to the union, this will mark the first of our series where we start talking about states that weren’t among the original 13 colonies.  We know, pretty wild stuff.  Anyway, you’re clearly excited for the first state in this batch, so we’ll just get to it.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 2 of 10)

“Can’t we just say every state’s most American trait is their ability to get shitcanned drunk?  This is a lot of work, you guys.”

~AFFotD’s Article Transcriber

 america states of america

PART TWO

As we discussed in our first “American States of America” segment, America is the greatest country on Earth, and a large reason for that is that each and every individual state has uniquely American qualities and traits.  From Delaware’s beer to Connecticut’s Hamburger inventing, we went through the first five states of the union, in order of their admission, as the beginning of a ten part series going through every state and telling you why exactly they are awesome.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 1 of 10)

“Delaware.  We’re in Delaware.”

~Wayne Campbell

american states

Together, America is united as one boozy, overweight, hard drug dabbling awesome nation.  However, it’s important to remember that we began as a confederation of states, and each of those states very much has its own unique identity which is defined through their citizens, history, and contributions to American society.  If you’re looking for the best bourbon in the nation, you’ll probably think of Kentucky before, say, Alaska.  But that doesn’t mean Alaska doesn’t live life Americanly by shooting wolves from helicopters and getting paid for no reason other than living in a place not a lot of people want to be.

So when we at AFFotD look to exalt America, sometimes we have to look at each individual piece of the puzzle and determine the most American aspects of each state of this great nation.  That is why we are here to present to you a five part series listing the most American qualities of every state in the Union, in order of when they were officially admitted into the United States of America.  So grab onto your hats, and get ready to watch us frantically Wikipedia what the hell is in North Dakota.

america states of america

PART ONE

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