“Can’t we just say every state’s most American trait is their ability to get shitcanned drunk? This is a lot of work, you guys.”
~AFFotD’s Article Transcriber
As we discussed in our first “American States of America” segment, America is the greatest country on Earth, and a large reason for that is that each and every individual state has uniquely American qualities and traits. From Delaware’s beer to Connecticut’s Hamburger inventing, we went through the first five states of the union, in order of their admission, as the beginning of a ten part series going through every state and telling you why exactly they are awesome.
MASSACHUSETTS: Admitted on February 6th, 1788
Massachusetts is one of the most historic states as well as one of the most frustrating to spell (other than Minnesota, those bastards). This is where the Mayflower landed in 1620. It’s where Harvard University, our nation’s oldest institution of higher learning, was founded in 1636. It’s where Salem, in 1692, burned the last of the colony’s troublesome witch population. And it’s where the movement for independence from the British first gained steam, from the Boston Massacre to the Boston Tea Party to the brewing of Sam Adams Boston Lager.
Massachusetts is largely responsible for the more exciting parts of your American History textbook from 1760 to 1776, and it’s hard to imagine the nation being forged as it was without the revolutionary spirit of the founding fathers of Boston, and indeed Massachusetts as a whole.
So, of course, when we talk about Massachusetts, and the qualities that make them truly America, there’s only one thing we can say about the state to really give it its proper due. Boston is the drunkest city in America.
Yes, despite Massachusetts’ insistence on limiting bar hours and banning happy hours, the citizens of Boston, the most populous city in the state, as well as its capital, make sure to overcome such obstacles to get drunker than any other city in this fair nation. That’s called dedication. That’s called America.
MARYLAND: Admitted on April 28th, 1788
As one of the states bordering the nation’s capital, Maryland goes by the nickname “America in Miniature” because of its varied topography. From sandy dunes to marshlands to forests, Maryland has a diverse…wait why are we talking about nature? Fuck that, Maryland is American because of The Wire.
Now, many Baltimore residents might be tossing up their arms right now saying, “Goddamn it, The Wire is not representative of daily life in Baltimore! I can safely say none of that happens here because I’m white and go to the University of Baltimore! Mount Vernon is actually really nice! I’ve not seen any dead bodies in the vacant boarded up buildings that actually are pretty numerous around here! Godddamn it I have to go over this shit every damn Thanksgiving!” And hey, we get it, Maryland has Bethesda, Baltimore’s Inner Harbor is a nice enough place to go for a night out, and you guys make pretty solid crab cakes, but it’s an internet law that every humorist in the internet has to be able to casually drop The Wire references and assume that their audience will understand it, and most of those jokes should probably involve Omar and Cheerios. Hey, we didn’t make that rule, if you’re looking for someone to blame, yell at Bill Simmons.
So, yeah, we’re going with The Wire on this, partly because Season 5 taught us everything we needed to know on how to successfully make up a story in order to win the Pulitzer.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Admitted on May 23rd, 1788
South Carolina was the eighth state to join the Union, which is good. But it also was the first to leave during the Civil War, which made things awkward when South Carolina and America would run into each other at their mutual friends’ weddings (Come on, England, you could have at least warned us they were invited). Thankfully, since then, South Carolina has reintegrated into American life as a state that loves hunting, fishing, football, and the military.
However, what we’d like to focus on is that South Carolina is home to the only tea plantation on American soil. When England spent our colonial years taking over all of India just to grow tea, South Carolina went ahead and just grew their own tea, because goddamn it, things taste better when they’ve been grown in American soil. The state is able to parlay this now-American crop into other important endeavors, like vodka made with tea, or sweet tea, their state hospitality beverage. For those of you unfamiliar with sweet tea…really? You’ve honestly never seen sweet tea? For real? They sell it at McDonald’s because it’s basically like charging for water for them, for fuck’s sake. But we digress. Sweet tea is one of the most American non-alcoholic beverages, because anytime you can take something that people like to drink on its own, like tea, and cram it full with twice as much sugar as you put in a can of coke, you’re doing a service to America. And diabetes. But, America too.
Oh, and apropos of nothing, South Carolina gets a big thumbs up in our book because of this story involving Strom Thurman sleeping with his mistress as he drove her to Death Row, which is one of the most American things we’ve ever heard.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Admitted on June 21st, 1788
Now, when you refer to a state as “The South of the North” it can either be to exemplify the best stereotypical qualities of the South, like friendship and bourbon, or it can politely refer to negative Southern stereotypes, an easy way to say, “Wow, Indiana has a lot of trucks with Confederate flags painted on them.” But when we say that New Hampshire is the South of the North, we mean it in the best way possible.
New Hampshire is where East Coast Northerners go to buy fireworks and liquor from state run stores that are set up to get you drunk cheaper, all with no sales taxes. So if you’re a fan of cheap booze and explosions, New Hampshire is pretty great. And if you’re not a fan of those things, well, we understand this might be your first time in the States, but we’re going to have to politely ask that you go back north to Canada immediately. No, we’re not joking. Back to Montreal you go. We mean it. Go. Get out of here. WE SAID YOU GET THE HELL OUT! GO!
VIRGINIA: Admitted on June 25th, 1788
Did you know that Virginia, home to one of the earlier capital cities of the nation and the birthplace of George Washington, has the highest concentration of technology workers of any state? In fact, their leading export is computer chips, and they are a vital cog in America’s constantly growing technological market.
But really, the most important thing about Virginia is the bombs.
Virginia is pretty much home to the American military industrial complex. That’s right, if you’re going to get bombed by America, you can thank Virginia. Or, you know, scream. Whatever. Death from the skies! Courtesy of Virginia!
Plus, Virginian drivers run red lights so much that they actually built a delay into their lights. Which is exactly the kind of gung-ho balls-to-the-wall attitude we’d like to see from the state that is bombing you right now. BOOM MOTHERFUCKERS!
And just like that, we’ve gone through our salute of the first ten states to be admitted to the Union. But don’t worry if your state hasn’t made the cut yet (you should only worry if you’re one of the people looking at the screen going, “Are you serious? There’s so many more American things about Virginia these assholes didn’t even mention) we’ve still got eight articles getting ready to come your way to advocate your particular state’s most American America.