“Oh, he’s still standing. Welp, I’m dead.”
~John Flammang Schrank
We don’t try to hide our infatuation towards Teddy Roosevelt here at America Fun Fact of the Day, and that has very little to do with the fact that great-great-grandsire Johnny Roosevelt is our editor-in-chief here. We’ve extolled his American greatness here before, and the greatness of his children time and time again. The man was badass, to put it bluntly, and we could write in depth AFFotD articles about hundreds of the things he did in his life. But when we think of Teddy Roosevelt, there’s one story in particular which really shows that, as far as unbridled American badasses go, Roosevelt was the cream of the crop, a giant among giants, and the kind of person you most definitely would never want to fuck with.
This is the story about the time someone tried to fuck with Teddy Roosevelt.
The Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt of 1912
Posted in 20th Century Insanity, Roosevelt
Tagged America, Bull Moose, Garret Hobart, John Flammang Schrank, John Schrank, President Taft, Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt, William Howard Taft, William McKinley
“I need to buy all of these. Every. Single. One.”
Art is okay, we guess. It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads. And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.
But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of. And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts. We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser. Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.
Posted in Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, The Other Guys, Washington
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Andrew Jackson, Ben Franklin, Ernest Hemingway, FDR, JFK, Ronald Reagan, Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson
“In fact, most suspect it was Mr. Roosevelt’s general monogamous ways that is the only reason why America is not dominated by illegitimate supermen.”
~1920 Census Report
Consider this, America. On the six occasions that Theodore Roosevelt told his reproductive system to make him a child, millions upon millions of potential Roosevelts battled each other for the right to carry on the legacy (and moustache genes) of one of America’s finest Americans (and great-grandfather to our editor-in-chief). Each child was, genetically, 50% Teddy Roosevelt, which scientifically equates to about 8.3 Americans each.
Yes the fact that Teddy Roosevelt had six children seems appropriate- if anything it’s a disservice to our country that he didn’t go all Jim Duggar with his two wives. Roosevelt hadving two wives had nothing to do with divorce or infidelity, of course- Roosevelt’s first wife, Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, died shortly after childbirth when Roosevelt was 25 (it happened in the same house on the same day that his mother died, a coincidence that historical circles refer to as “Dude, that fucking sucks”). Of course, Roosevelt knew he had to continue his lineage with more than one child, so he eventually remarried where his second wife gave birth to his five other children.
But those children? Unmistakably American, every one. That is why we at AFfotD are making it our duty to tell you about each and every one of the Roosevelt Children, and for the next several weeks you will periodically find fun facts in the Teddy’s Tots series. We settled on the name “Teddy’s Tots” because we like alliteration, but “Teddy’s Totally Tricked out Tiny Tyrants” seemed a bit cumbersome. So we begin our goal to educate you about the lives of every one of Teddy Roosevelt’s spawn with…
Alice Roosevelt Longworth: 96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit
“HOLY HELL GREAT-GRANDPAP!”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
You’re no doubt all aware of our massive man-crush on Teddy Roosevelt. And by “man crush” we mean “if we think a negative thought about him his ghost will find us and hunt us down.”
Hunt us down something like this.
Holy hell look at that. That is Teddy Roosevelt standing over the corpse of the giant elephant that he killed. We can only presume it was with his bare hands. Thank god photography was invented in time to catch Teddy Roosevelt.
Just look at it. Look at it.
Have a great week, everyone.
“TEDDY ROOSEVELT! BIGFOOT! TWO MEN ENTER! ONE MAN LEAVES! THUNDERDOMEEEEE!”
~The non-Australian version of Mad Max
America loves epic battles. Ali versus Frazier. Ali versus Foreman. Some other epic battles that don’t involve Ali. What we’re trying to say is that America loves badass fights. And it’s Saturday, so you know that means you’re due an image of the week. And yes, your assumption that today’s image will be a badass fight is totally correct.
Don’t say we’ve never done anything for you, America. Here’s Teddy Roosevelt shooting up the motherfucking Bigfoot.
Have a good weekend everyone.
“Shit shit shit, guys, it’s Teddy Roosevelt. We’re fucked.”
While America has produced its fair share of mutant supermen, only one of the nation’s past presidents was actually allergic to electricity, due to the metallic nature of his testicles. A man who once cut another man in half by blinking at him. A man who didn’t like Spaghetti because it was “Too Italian”, so he only subsided on hamburgers and his enemies’ fears. That man of course, is Theodore Roosevelt.
“Hi. Do NOT fuck with me”