Tag Archives: Tobias Funke

Alice Roosevelt Longworth: 96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

“In fact, most suspect it was Mr. Roosevelt’s general monogamous ways that is the only reason why America is not dominated by illegitimate supermen.”

~1920 Census Report


Consider this, America.  On the six occasions that Theodore Roosevelt told his reproductive system to make him a child, millions upon millions of potential Roosevelts battled each other for the right to carry on the legacy (and moustache genes) of one of America’s finest Americans (and great-grandfather to our editor-in-chief).  Each child was, genetically, 50% Teddy Roosevelt, which scientifically equates to about 8.3 Americans each.

Yes the fact that Teddy Roosevelt had six children seems appropriate- if anything it’s a disservice to our country that he didn’t go all Jim Duggar with his two wives.  Roosevelt hadving two wives had nothing to do with divorce or infidelity, of course- Roosevelt’s first wife, Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, died shortly after childbirth when Roosevelt was 25 (it happened in the same house on the same day that his mother died, a coincidence that historical circles refer to as “Dude, that fucking sucks”).  Of course, Roosevelt knew he had to continue his lineage with more than one child, so he eventually remarried where his second wife gave birth to his five other children.

But those children?  Unmistakably American, every one.  That is why we at AFfotD are making it our duty to tell you about each and every one of the Roosevelt Children, and for the next several weeks you will periodically find fun facts in the Teddy’s Tots series.  We settled on the name “Teddy’s Tots” because we like alliteration, but “Teddy’s Totally Tricked out Tiny Tyrants” seemed a bit cumbersome.  So we begin our goal to educate you about the lives of every one of Teddy Roosevelt’s spawn with…

Alice Roosevelt Longworth:  96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

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