Category Archives: Strange Alcohol

From Bloody Marys that defy logic, to magic sprays that can get you drunk, this section delves into the innovative ways America has tried to get you drunk.

The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas

“Wait, I don’t understand.  It’s alcohol that I DON’T want inside me?”

~A Confused Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

 snake booze

In the past, we’ve written a fair amount on strange and disgusting vodkas as proof that not all American innovations in letting 17-year-olds get drunk on things that don’t taste like burning necessarily are winners.  But those are just vodkas with gross flavors.  A neutral spirit, flavored to taste like bubble gum or cactus or whatever the fuck isn’t nearly as novel as it was maybe eight years ago.  Now, that shit’s everywhere, and you don’t even blink at seeing fruit loops flavored vodka.

The perverse flavoring of other types of liquor, however, is uncharted territory.  And, considering how long we’ve had to figure out what kinds of liquor actually taste good (there’s a reason why soju is the largest selling alcohol in the world, but we have enough sense to make it next to impossible to find because soju is garbage) it’s probably not too surprising that in our quest to find new liquor ideas, we’ve stumbled across some terrifying misses.

These are those misses.

The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas

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America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

“Oh you son of a bitch.”

~Teetotalers We’ve Tricked Into Eating Alcoholic Food

beer chicken

Around these parts, our staff has a potentially unhealthy infatuation with combining two of the most American forms of consumption—eating and drinking—into inventive ways to get drunk without even having to drink anything.  Why do we want to take drinking out of the equation?  We don’t, drinking is wonderful, but we feel that there’s no such thing as too many ways to cram alcohol into your poor decisions, which is why we’re always around to champion such innovations as deep fried alcohol, and also why we’re going to try to be the first people to get hospitalized by eating that new powdered alcohol stuff straight from the box, just the powder.

Now, we’ve previously talked about food being used to make alcohol—specifically, meat beers that are brewed with actual animal meat, because ha ha vegetarians your lifestyle is one that our evolution has actively discouraged.  Now it’s only fitting to go the other direction, and talk about alcohol being used to make food.  All of these meals and desserts exist in America for your consumption, created by heroes who looked at a dinner plate and thought, “You know what?  Let’s get drunk off that, no matter how weird of an idea it might seem.”

America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

“Forsake your God, because all that lies herein is death and fire and petulance, and none can save you, none shall live.”

~Official Budweiser Press Release

 mixxtail

Listen, America, this shit is important.  You need to start ignoring Budweiser.  We’re already on the way to phasing out Budweiser, with 44% of drinkers aged 21 to 27 having never had a Bud in their wonderfully enriched lives, but we’re getting to the point where Budweiser is going to do its best to get your attention, and you mustn’t let it.  Much like a misbehaving child or, more accurately, an emotionally unstable ex who keeps sending you messages no matter what you do, Budweiser is going to get more and more loud with their terrible, awful beerness before they start to fade away.  It’s going to take a long time, but we have to do whatever we can to ignore Budweiser’s “U Out?  I’m not wareing undrware ;P” texts while we can, because the company has clearly gone insane and there’s no sign of them letting up for now, and our only course of action is to close our eyes and hope they go away.

In 2011, Anheuser-Busch purchased Goose Island in their attempt to corner a market that saw more and more Americans shunning Budweiser for beer that, you know, tastes good.  The following year, they brought forth Bud Light Platinum, which you might know as “why does my beer taste like someone drizzled like, three sips worth of vodka in here?”  2012 also saw the creation of the Lime-a-Rita, which is a great way for people who don’t like alcohol to remind themselves that they really need to sit down and reevaluate their lives.

lime a rita

“I like it because it’s fruity, but it still can get you drunk, and oh God how did I end up passed out in a Walmart?”

Lately, Budweiser has been playing the role of the petulant child, spending millions of dollars to shout at Americans for “tasting” their beer instead of “drinking it” during the Super Bowl which, frankly, sounds like the kind of thing you’d hear Joe Rogan say as encouragement to a contestant of Fear Factor during the gross-out food part of the show. “Don’t taste it!  Just eat it!  If you manage not to puke you go on to the next round!”

Which brings us to the latest shout of “Mommy mommy look what I can do” that is set to be released on February 16th (oh darn, it’ll just miss Valentine’s Day, huh?) and also our latest totally-not-monthly installment of…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

mixxxtaillll

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Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

“Listen, we’re not going to interrupt our perfectly drunk barbeque to post some damn article.  Have [REDACTED] write about, oh, let’s say, summer cocktails.  People love that shit right?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

cocktail

Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill.  It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys.  It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you.  And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.

That even applies to[REDACTED].  For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him.  Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you.  He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.

Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines.  Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.

Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

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The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

“Hmm, I could buy one bottle of whiskey, or, OR, I could get drunk every day, for my whole life, on very good whiskey, and still not pay that much.  Decisions, decisions.”

~Practical American Booze Shoppers

 glengoyne

When we set out to bring you the closest thing to a comprehensive list of the world’s most expensive whiskeys that a writing staff of buzzed and lightly drunk gluttons could put together, we didn’t know what to expect.  We’ve covered the most expensive versions of various items here before, from pizza and hamburgers to yachts to even vodka, and as much as we wholeheartedly endorse waste and greed, we can’t ever get past the whole “if you can buy a thousand bottles of liquor for the price of one stupid status symbol, why not just go for bulk instead” mindset of things.  Our view on excess generally boils down to the following—take a hundred pounds of butter and carve it into a cow?  You keep doing you, you glorious American bastard.  But spend $10,000 on a single bottle of alcohol?  Is that really better than, say, 300 bottle of Woodford Reserve?

With that caveat in mind, we were (somewhat) pleasantly surprised to see that none of the entries of most expensive whiskeys come from the United States.  Sure, 99 times out of 100, when we see someone doing something better than America we start frothing at the mouth while demanding an immediate arms race, economy be damned, but in this instance, we’re happy to cede the title to the Scots, especially since, if you’re patient and really looking to flex your alcohol spending powers, $200 and knowing the right people can get most Americans the best whiskey in the world.

With that in mind, it’s time to delve into the world’s most expensive whiskeys.  We can guarantee you will never have the opportunity to take even a sip of any of these, so it’s best to just tell yourself they all taste like shoe leather and that everyone who purchased it immediately uttered, “Dear God, what have I done” as soon as they tried it.

The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

 johnny walker go fuck yourself

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America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

“Guys, you have to stop.  Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

slider bloody

Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America.  The reasons behind this should be readily apparent.  After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor.  We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute.   Oh how naive we once we, how innocent.  That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”

With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.”  Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

insane bloody

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America’s Strangest Vodka Flavors (Part 3)

“Well, that was one of the more unnecessarily sweet vomits I’ve ever had.”

~Novelty-flavored vodka drinkers

 dude vodka

We’ve discussed the nuanced philosophy behind flavored vodkas in the past, but here it is again.  Vodka exists as a neutral spirit, which is both a blessing and a curse.  Vodka earns its keep for American drunks by finding a way to let orange juice get you drunk, but its ability to meld with various flavors means that, more than any other type of alcohol, liquor companies will churn it out in dozens, if not hundreds, of different and often unnecessary varieties.  And we get it, we really do.  Some people don’t like the taste of alcohol and want to get drunk fast by putting four shots of raspberry vodka into a cup of fruit punch.  We remember being nine years old too.

As much as you might assume that fruity-tasting alcohol is somehow less American than whiskey, well, you’d be right, but flavored vodkas are still perfectly acceptable in polite society, and in the case of downing shots might even be preferable to the unflavored variety (every drinker over the age of 18 has long ago lost their ability to down a shot of straight, unflavored vodka without their stomach reminding them of the time they did vodka shots until they puked).

But just because we drink black cherry vodka like it’s water, or can add cucumber vodka to a Bloody Mary with delicious results, doesn’t mean that all vodka flavors are created equal.  That’s why we’re returning after a long vodka-article hiatus to present our third article about the strangest, most unnecessary vodka flavors in America.  Because why drink alcohol that makes you seem like you’ve retained some semblance of your sanity when you can get drunk on something that tastes like a freshly mown lawn.  That’s not a joke flavor, by the way.

America’s Strangest Vodka Flavors (Part 3)

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Point-Counterpoint: Breast-Poured Whiskey

“I know I should like this, but…it’s weird, right?  That’s not just me?  It’s, like, super weird?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

whiskey pour

Mainlining America like a freedom junkie isn’t all whiskey enemas, fried foods, and blackout “fuck you” voice mails left on your boss’s cell phone.  In fact, it’s pretty hard to get to the core of what’s truly American without becoming some sort of cartoonish caricature since we live in a nation full of gray areas.  We might love foxy boxing, and we might love watching Sylvester Stallone breaking people’s necks, but we still were sad in that scene in Million Dollar Baby where Sylvester Stallone broke Hillary Swank’s neck (full disclosure, that might have been stool that had a passing resemblance to Stallone).

So while your initial reaction when reading about the German liquor company that sells whiskey that is poured on a Playboy model’s bare breasts before being bottled might be, “Dammit AFFotD, where were you on this, how’d you let the Krauts beat us to this!?” it’s really a much more complicated issue, with many people firmly believing that it sounds actually kinda gross, and another group arguing, you know, titties.

So we figured this was as good of a time as any to take two of our writers and have them discuss the philosophical implications of this product in yet another AFFotD Point/Counterpoint.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT:  BREAST-POURED WHISKEY- AMAZING OR KINDA WEIRD?

whiskey breast pour

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America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

“Don’t care.  Still would take a shot of it.”

~Americans

We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs.  It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment.  Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it).  Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.

This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”).  Most flavors make sense.  Raspberry?   Sounds delicious!  Orange?  Sure!  Whipped cream?  Uh…what?

That’s right, America.  We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…

America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

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Point/Counterpoint: Is WA|HH Quantum Sensations, The Spray That Gets You Drunk Instantaneously, American?

“Again!  Again!  SPRAY IT AGAIN!”

~AFFotD Product Testers

Americans, much like the common elephant or humble bumble bee, love to get drunk.  But sometimes it’s pretty hard work.  In order to mask the debilitating sadness of everything around them, most Americans need to drink at least five shots of grain alcohol just to feel something, and if they want to get legitimately drunk, they normally have to chug a bottle of $3,000 vodka while holding back the tears.

But if there is one thing that America is better at than drinking, it’s inventing things that make drinking easier.  We have beer cans that are actually designed so you can stab a hole in them to chug faster, for God’s sake.  And during the few hours a day that our AFFotD staffers are sober enough to type while still being able to notice the red squiggly lines of our spelchcker, it’s our job to present to you such marvels of American engineering.

The poorly named The WA|HH Quantum Sensations spray is one such marvel.  It is the latest (well, first) entry in the “get you drunk instantaneously” market.  This product, which we would have given the name of “GITCHYA DRUNK” sprays .075 milliliters of alcohol, which is formulated in such a way that the sense of inebriation will kick in right away.  While it only lasts a few seconds, you will find yourself able to pass a breathalyzer, while avoiding such pesky side effects of long term alcohol consumption like “hangovers” or “that three year old kid that you still have to send a check for every goddamn month.”  However, it doesn’t give you the benefit of being drunk all night long.  So while our staff was excited by this revolutionary new product, it soon spirited into a lively debate about if it’s worthwhile or not.  Which means it’s time for two of our staffers to duke it out with our latest edition of point/counterpoint asking the very important question.  Is the WA|HH GITCHYA DRUNK American, or just a cheap imitation?

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