Tag Archives: alcohol consumption

Point/Counterpoint: Is WA|HH Quantum Sensations, The Spray That Gets You Drunk Instantaneously, American?

“Again!  Again!  SPRAY IT AGAIN!”

~AFFotD Product Testers

Americans, much like the common elephant or humble bumble bee, love to get drunk.  But sometimes it’s pretty hard work.  In order to mask the debilitating sadness of everything around them, most Americans need to drink at least five shots of grain alcohol just to feel something, and if they want to get legitimately drunk, they normally have to chug a bottle of $3,000 vodka while holding back the tears.

But if there is one thing that America is better at than drinking, it’s inventing things that make drinking easier.  We have beer cans that are actually designed so you can stab a hole in them to chug faster, for God’s sake.  And during the few hours a day that our AFFotD staffers are sober enough to type while still being able to notice the red squiggly lines of our spelchcker, it’s our job to present to you such marvels of American engineering.

The poorly named The WA|HH Quantum Sensations spray is one such marvel.  It is the latest (well, first) entry in the “get you drunk instantaneously” market.  This product, which we would have given the name of “GITCHYA DRUNK” sprays .075 milliliters of alcohol, which is formulated in such a way that the sense of inebriation will kick in right away.  While it only lasts a few seconds, you will find yourself able to pass a breathalyzer, while avoiding such pesky side effects of long term alcohol consumption like “hangovers” or “that three year old kid that you still have to send a check for every goddamn month.”  However, it doesn’t give you the benefit of being drunk all night long.  So while our staff was excited by this revolutionary new product, it soon spirited into a lively debate about if it’s worthwhile or not.  Which means it’s time for two of our staffers to duke it out with our latest edition of point/counterpoint asking the very important question.  Is the WA|HH GITCHYA DRUNK American, or just a cheap imitation?

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Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

“I AM A GOD!”

~You, when drinking

While we talk about alcohol consumption in such a manner that some of you have started to suspect that we are part of an alien species that is waged in a generations long war with human livers, there are occasionally benefits of massive, dangerous consumption of the fairest poison.  Mainly, there have been numerous instances where some brave, boozy fool has been in a situation where lesser, more sober men would perish, only to be saved by a combination of luck and alcohol-aided relaxed muscles.  They might not all be from America, but due to a loophole in the Constitution, as soon as they survived a fatal event because of how drunk they were, they automatically received US Citizenship.

Listen, we’re not saying that you should drink obscene amounts of liquor and then see what happens when you jump off the roof of your house.  Oh wait, no that’s exactly what we’re saying.  But, legally, we shouldn’t be saying that.  We’re just saying that, if you did that, we’d totally write about you, and say all sorts of complimentary things about you.  Don’t you like it when people say complimentary things about you?  Of course you do.  Of course you do.

So put your beersafety goggles on, and get ready to salute…

Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

 

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