“I AM A GOD!”
~You, when drinking
While we talk about alcohol consumption in such a manner that some of you have started to suspect that we are part of an alien species that is waged in a generations long war with human livers, there are occasionally benefits of massive, dangerous consumption of the fairest poison. Mainly, there have been numerous instances where some brave, boozy fool has been in a situation where lesser, more sober men would perish, only to be saved by a combination of luck and alcohol-aided relaxed muscles. They might not all be from America, but due to a loophole in the Constitution, as soon as they survived a fatal event because of how drunk they were, they automatically received US Citizenship.
Listen, we’re not saying that you should drink obscene amounts of liquor and then see what happens when you jump off the roof of your house. Oh wait, no that’s exactly what we’re saying. But, legally, we shouldn’t be saying that. We’re just saying that, if you did that, we’d totally write about you, and say all sorts of complimentary things about you. Don’t you like it when people say complimentary things about you? Of course you do. Of course you do.
So put your beersafety goggles on, and get ready to salute…
Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)