Category Archives: The Rest of Them

Because every once and a while someone writes a book about Belgians being monsters, and we want to write about those things.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Estonia

“Oh…oh no.  It’s another Russia-bordering country.  This is going to be so sad.”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

estonia

We know America does food better than any other country, primarily because when other countries make good things, we just steal it ourselves and make it bigger and better.  We didn’t invent pizza, but have you had pizza in Italy?  Our staff has.  It’s, like, fine.  America does it much better, with a few notable exceptions.  Now, there are other countries that have great food as well (Italy’s still got us beat in the pasta game , for example).  And there are countries that have bad food.  But we don’t care about any of those countries.  No, we take interest in countries whose food is not just generally bad, but wholeheartedly depressing in ways that cling to your soul.  We don’t know what caused our fascination with nations whose recipe books come pre-streaked with tears, but we’re not going to stop now.  Our latest nation with food that makes us so, so sad?  The small Russia-adjacent nation of Estonia.  Strap in, this is going to be a doozy.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Estonia

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Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

aldi

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen?  Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”  That’s it.  The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.  Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it.  If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”  We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.”  No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away.  They stalk us to this very day.  So fuck it.  We’ll lean into the skid.  Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Mordvinia

“Wait, so this is depressing even for RUSSIA?  Jesus.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic

 mordvinia

We very clearly love food here, but we also love calling out other countries for how bad their food is.  Granted, it’s not particularly noteworthy to have bad food (cough, sup England) or weird food (how you living, Japan). But we prefer to focus on depressing food cultures.  Like, yes, Iceland eats rotted fermented shark, and that’s gross, but the fact that they ferment everything because they can’t afford to import salt, or that the shark has to be fermented so that it stops being poisonous is legitimately depressing.

So we are here to keep our proud tradition of looking at rich, steeped culinary histories and going, “Oh God, that’s so sad.”  Now let’s hop on a plane to the federal subject of Russia, Mordvinia, where things get depressing, even for Russia.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Mordvinia

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 4- National Anthems With The Lowest Self Esteem

“This is our national anthem, nobody likes me L”

~Huh, How Do You Get an Emoji in a National Anthem?

national-anthem

We’ve spent the last few weeks telling you about countries that aren’t America, which we know is very jarring for many of you.  But in our attempts to be cultured (read as: making fun of other nations) we’ve found a broad spectrum of National Anthems that range from “Okay that’s pretty badass” to “please stop crying, please stop crying, it’s making us very uncomfortable.”  Make no mistake, a National Anthem is supposed to be your country at its most very badass.  But that’s not always the case.  So we’re going to close out our series with a handful of nations that, just, really need to boost that self-esteem.  Come on guys, chins up!

The National Anthems Of The World Series:  Part 4- National Anthems With The Lowest Self Esteem

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 3- The Most Depressing National Anthem Lyrics

“I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.”

~Bangladesh’s National Anthem, Basically

national-anthem

For the past few weeks we’ve been looking at various National Anthems, and judging their lyrics in our own judgey way.  We started off with those anthems that we deemed to be particularly “metal” because that’s by far the most fun thing to read, but there are all sorts of National Anthems out there.  Some are origin stories.  Some are proud.  Some are, meh, boring (sup Canada).

But, notably, a lot are surprisingly depressing.  Let’s all get sad together, shall we?

The National Anthems Of The World Series:  Part 3- The Most Depressing National Anthem Lyrics

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 2- More Metal National Anthem Lyrics

“Come at us, France.”

~Algeria’s National Anthem

whitney-houston

Last week, we quoted a bunch of National Anthems that are not as good as the Star-Spangled Banner, despite being metal as fuck. (It’s nothing personal, the Star-Spangled Banner could just be the lyrics to the Oscar Meyer wiener song and it’d still be better than all National Anthems just simply by being America’s National Anthem)

But it is true.  Some countries decide to make their anthems metal as hell.  Like, did you know that Bhutan’s national anthem is literally called the Thunder Dragon Kingdom?  Like, holy shit right?  So we were able to find even more anthems filled with blood and veiled threats.  After this, we’re going to take things down a notch with depressing National Anthems, so enjoy this while you can.

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Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com

“Were you born without goddamn taste buds?”

~AFFotD Staffers reading The Top Tens’ list of Countries With the Worst Food

food pic

Occasionally, we have been known to read websites other than our own.  It goes against our general ego-centric, ignorance-embracing lifestyle that we’ve worked very hard to foster, but it happens.  Granted, most of the time we wander to the other darker corners of the internet, we find horrific, un-American things, so we try to limit how often we stray out, because the doctors have been telling us for years that we gotta start watching our blood pressure.

Anyway, this brings us to the purpose of today’s article.  In researching for our lovely borderline-xenophobic series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, we stumbled across an article from thetoptens.com that claimed to list the 10 Countries with the worst food in the world.  We were interested.  Would they include Armenia?  Botswana?  Oh, God, Latvia?

What we clicked was, very possibly, the most wrong a top 10 list has ever been about anything in the history of the internet.  Fuck you, thetoptens.com, we’re going to write an article about how shit you are now.

Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Iceland

“The horror. The fermented horror.”

~Tourists looking at a list of Icelandic dishes

hanging meats

Iceland is a country so far north that you basically never see the sunlight during their winters, which are only made somewhat tolerable, temperature wise, because when God made that island as somewhere no one would try to live he forgot about the volcanoes he accidentally put there.  When “well, the cold’s not so bad, thanks to the volcanoes” is something an entire nation can say, it’s probably not surprising that their culinary culture embraces “bad, depressing foods” that existed solely to make sure 300,000 or so crazy Norse people could muster up just enough energy not to starve or freeze.

Now, Iceland is a perfectly lovely country, and apparently is very beautiful to visit in the summer.  That being said, here’s what Icelandic people have to say about Icelandic winters.  Anyway, rich culture notwithstanding, we took a look at the kind of meals you can expect from traditional Icelandic cooking and discovered, well, that it’s going to be our next installment in our ongoing series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines.  So let’s dive in.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Iceland

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Djibouti

“I mean, it’s not as bad as the Balkans, but that’s not saying much.”

~AFFotD’s World Food Critic

djibouti stew

We’ve talked a few times in the past about the culinary practices of other countries that we find to be, in a word, depressing as shit.  Okay, we used three words there, but two of them are superfluous because we dream of someday being paid to write by the word.  But the point stands—as great as America is at cramming delicious foods into our stomachs at alarming rates, or finding cheap ways to maintain our impressive obesity goals, there are maybe even dozens of other countries that exist outside of here.  We know, it’s shocking.  There might even be like, 30 other countries in the world for all we know.  And not all of them come blessed with a local cuisine that is worth being Americanized and turned into an award winning fusion restaurant in the States.  So for every Italy, we have an Armenia.  And we decided to start a series where we’d occasionally take the time to look at one of these lesser known national food styles and list off the dishes that are so sad they make us feel like holding a puppy until the world starts to make sense again.

Speaking of puppies…oh, no, thank God, this country doesn’t come anywhere close to eating puppies.  But they still have some food options that are extreme bummers.  Come with us on a boat or whatever to…

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Djibouti

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Botswana