Category Archives: The Rest of Them

Because every once and a while someone writes a book about Belgians being monsters, and we want to write about those things.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Mordvinia

“Wait, so this is depressing even for RUSSIA?  Jesus.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic

 mordvinia

We very clearly love food here, but we also love calling out other countries for how bad their food is.  Granted, it’s not particularly noteworthy to have bad food (cough, sup England) or weird food (how you living, Japan). But we prefer to focus on depressing food cultures.  Like, yes, Iceland eats rotted fermented shark, and that’s gross, but the fact that they ferment everything because they can’t afford to import salt, or that the shark has to be fermented so that it stops being poisonous is legitimately depressing.

So we are here to keep our proud tradition of looking at rich, steeped culinary histories and going, “Oh God, that’s so sad.”  Now let’s hop on a plane to the federal subject of Russia, Mordvinia, where things get depressing, even for Russia.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Mordvinia

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 4- National Anthems With The Lowest Self Esteem

“This is our national anthem, nobody likes me L”

~Huh, How Do You Get an Emoji in a National Anthem?

national-anthem

We’ve spent the last few weeks telling you about countries that aren’t America, which we know is very jarring for many of you.  But in our attempts to be cultured (read as: making fun of other nations) we’ve found a broad spectrum of National Anthems that range from “Okay that’s pretty badass” to “please stop crying, please stop crying, it’s making us very uncomfortable.”  Make no mistake, a National Anthem is supposed to be your country at its most very badass.  But that’s not always the case.  So we’re going to close out our series with a handful of nations that, just, really need to boost that self-esteem.  Come on guys, chins up!

The National Anthems Of The World Series:  Part 4- National Anthems With The Lowest Self Esteem

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 3- The Most Depressing National Anthem Lyrics

“I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.”

~Bangladesh’s National Anthem, Basically

national-anthem

For the past few weeks we’ve been looking at various National Anthems, and judging their lyrics in our own judgey way.  We started off with those anthems that we deemed to be particularly “metal” because that’s by far the most fun thing to read, but there are all sorts of National Anthems out there.  Some are origin stories.  Some are proud.  Some are, meh, boring (sup Canada).

But, notably, a lot are surprisingly depressing.  Let’s all get sad together, shall we?

The National Anthems Of The World Series:  Part 3- The Most Depressing National Anthem Lyrics

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 2- More Metal National Anthem Lyrics

“Come at us, France.”

~Algeria’s National Anthem

whitney-houston

Last week, we quoted a bunch of National Anthems that are not as good as the Star-Spangled Banner, despite being metal as fuck. (It’s nothing personal, the Star-Spangled Banner could just be the lyrics to the Oscar Meyer wiener song and it’d still be better than all National Anthems just simply by being America’s National Anthem)

But it is true.  Some countries decide to make their anthems metal as hell.  Like, did you know that Bhutan’s national anthem is literally called the Thunder Dragon Kingdom?  Like, holy shit right?  So we were able to find even more anthems filled with blood and veiled threats.  After this, we’re going to take things down a notch with depressing National Anthems, so enjoy this while you can.

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Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com

“Were you born without goddamn taste buds?”

~AFFotD Staffers reading The Top Tens’ list of Countries With the Worst Food

food pic

Occasionally, we have been known to read websites other than our own.  It goes against our general ego-centric, ignorance-embracing lifestyle that we’ve worked very hard to foster, but it happens.  Granted, most of the time we wander to the other darker corners of the internet, we find horrific, un-American things, so we try to limit how often we stray out, because the doctors have been telling us for years that we gotta start watching our blood pressure.

Anyway, this brings us to the purpose of today’s article.  In researching for our lovely borderline-xenophobic series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, we stumbled across an article from thetoptens.com that claimed to list the 10 Countries with the worst food in the world.  We were interested.  Would they include Armenia?  Botswana?  Oh, God, Latvia?

What we clicked was, very possibly, the most wrong a top 10 list has ever been about anything in the history of the internet.  Fuck you, thetoptens.com, we’re going to write an article about how shit you are now.

Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Iceland

“The horror. The fermented horror.”

~Tourists looking at a list of Icelandic dishes

hanging meats

Iceland is a country so far north that you basically never see the sunlight during their winters, which are only made somewhat tolerable, temperature wise, because when God made that island as somewhere no one would try to live he forgot about the volcanoes he accidentally put there.  When “well, the cold’s not so bad, thanks to the volcanoes” is something an entire nation can say, it’s probably not surprising that their culinary culture embraces “bad, depressing foods” that existed solely to make sure 300,000 or so crazy Norse people could muster up just enough energy not to starve or freeze.

Now, Iceland is a perfectly lovely country, and apparently is very beautiful to visit in the summer.  That being said, here’s what Icelandic people have to say about Icelandic winters.  Anyway, rich culture notwithstanding, we took a look at the kind of meals you can expect from traditional Icelandic cooking and discovered, well, that it’s going to be our next installment in our ongoing series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines.  So let’s dive in.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Iceland

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Djibouti

“I mean, it’s not as bad as the Balkans, but that’s not saying much.”

~AFFotD’s World Food Critic

djibouti stew

We’ve talked a few times in the past about the culinary practices of other countries that we find to be, in a word, depressing as shit.  Okay, we used three words there, but two of them are superfluous because we dream of someday being paid to write by the word.  But the point stands—as great as America is at cramming delicious foods into our stomachs at alarming rates, or finding cheap ways to maintain our impressive obesity goals, there are maybe even dozens of other countries that exist outside of here.  We know, it’s shocking.  There might even be like, 30 other countries in the world for all we know.  And not all of them come blessed with a local cuisine that is worth being Americanized and turned into an award winning fusion restaurant in the States.  So for every Italy, we have an Armenia.  And we decided to start a series where we’d occasionally take the time to look at one of these lesser known national food styles and list off the dishes that are so sad they make us feel like holding a puppy until the world starts to make sense again.

Speaking of puppies…oh, no, thank God, this country doesn’t come anywhere close to eating puppies.  But they still have some food options that are extreme bummers.  Come with us on a boat or whatever to…

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Djibouti

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Botswana

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Armenia

“Oh, sweet mother of…”

~The average American looking at an Armenian restaurant menu

armenian food

We recently began a new article series where we described to you some of the most terrifying and, well, depressing national cuisines around the world.  We started things off with Latvia, because we felt like you hadn’t had a good cry in a long time.  This time around, we’re going to take our xenophobic discussion of gross food that is weird and wrong compared to American food all the way to Armenia, where everything is soup, and everything is awful.  We’ll also be going pretty hard out of our way to avoid making jokes about that whole “Armenian genocide” thing because, as a general rule of thumb, genocide jokes are not funny and they never will be funny until douchebags who aggressively hit on their bartenders become their own ethnic group.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Armenia

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A Brief History of Animals Getting Drunk

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am *starts mauling police officer*”

~A Drunk Monkey

 mice with wine

Humans separate themselves from the rest of the animal kingdom through their advanced culture, their intellectual pursuits, and their appreciation of Shark Week.  Sure, there might be more to the difference between man and beast, but at the end of the day, many creatures on this planet are a lot like us, only much tastier.  It’s this disconnect between our similarities and differences with the animal world that finds us constantly striving to anthropomorphize pets and wild creatures—you put a sweater on your severely overheated poodle and it’s cute, because he thinks he’s people.  We like seeing animals “act human” but it’s typically pretty forced.  Yes, that is a cute YouTube video of a dog walking on its hind legs, but that’s just because he was incessantly trained to do that.  But there is one area where, with minimal human interference, animals are just like us.

They like to get drunk.

So, we will take a momentary break from our established credo of “Fuck Nature” to give our furry animal friends a break, and talk about how they like to get shitcanned drunk, just like us.  Granted, if some of you take that to the logical conclusion that the alcohol probably makes these cute little critters taste even better, we won’t stop you.

A Brief History of Animals Getting Drunk

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