Category Archives: The Rest of Them

Because every once and a while someone writes a book about Belgians being monsters, and we want to write about those things.

The Definitive Ranking of Every Ted Lasso Character (Season 1)

 “Be Curious. Not Judgmental.”

~Ted Lasso

Apple_TV_Ted_Lasso_key_art_sh_cr

So a little known fact about 2020 is that, apparently, for a lot of people it was not great! Yeah, color us surprised, our staff spent the whole year on a private island (after 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine why are you all mad?) so it was news to us.

But in a, let’s say, “down year”, one of the universally acknowledged high points of 2020 was the release of Ted Lasso, the Golden Globe-winning comedy that was the primary reason you either got Apple TV+ or figured out how to pirate tv shows.

If you haven’t seen it, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS PAST YEAR THIS SHOW IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED!?!?!? But we’ll pretend you’re a hypothetical reader unaware of this delightful show. Starring Jason Sudeikis, Ted Lasso had no reason to be as good as it is. It was based off an NBC Sports ad made seven years ago, which is basically like turning an SNL sketch into a movie (which usually does not go well) and making it six times as long.

Yet, with an impressive creative team behind it, including Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence, it somehow ended up the EXACT show we needed for this past year. It’s heartwarming, sincere, charming and kind, without any cynicism or irony. Even the bad guys in the show find a way to make you root for them (well, except for a few).

All of this is to say, we have decided to celebrate the release of the official season two teaser trailer. by spending dozens of hours on research and writing 5,000 words to arbitrarily rank every single character from Season 1 of Ted Lasso.

Now, you might be disappointed with some choices in this list, but there’s no way you’ll be actively upset, because Ted Lasso is the rare show that, in a single short season (so far) (it’s locked in to end after Season 3), has already established a good 20 characters you’d take a bullet for. So with that in mind, let’s get this underway.

Every Ted Lasso Character, Ranked

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Let’s Give Thanks That America Does Thanksgiving Better Than Canada

“Did your staff members ever went to a Canadian Thanksgiving, and can you tell me how much better an American Thanksgiving is?”

~AFFotD Reader “Harge.” We copy and pasted that directly from the email he sent us.

Canadian Thanksgiving Table Spread

2020 is a weird year for Thanksgiving for some reason. But now’s not the time to think about the fact that we’re going to have one Thanksgiving that might be a bit quieter and definitely a lot more virtual than we’re used to. It’s time to give thanks that Thanksgiving in general is awesome in America, while we dunk on Canada’s cheap-ass imitation of our glorious holiday.

Let’s Make Fun of Canada’s Thanksgiving, Shall We?

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The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 2)

“Heh. COCK of Barcelos.”

~Our Giggling Copy Editor

uk emblem

Last week, we wrote an article that basically centered on the premise of “a lot of countries have silly or unusual national animals, and a bunch of these national animals don’t even exist, let’s make fun of them.” We held ourselves to one penis joke (heh, phrasing) and we can assure you we will not be so restrained this time around. Here are more of…

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The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 1)

“What…Am…I?”

~The National Animal of Bhutan

emblem

If you’re an independent nation, there’s a good chance you have a national animal of some sort. In fact, of all the official countries in the world, almost ¾ of them do. We don’t have a really good reason why that’s the case.

]In fact it’s kind of weird that a bunch of countries randomly decided to give themselves mascots without anyone questioning as to…what’s the point? We’re sure some country started doing it like thousands of years ago (honestly, probably China?) and a few other independently decided to go the same route, and eventually most countries just got peer pressured into it, but it’s kind of weird that we take national animals as just like, a normal thing for countries to have.

Now America has a few national animals, and we’re not alone in being countries that double down. Naturally we have the bald eagle, but did you know that we also named the American bison our “national mammal”?

Yeah that’s right, we have a national mammal. Now, that’s only been the case since it was signed into law in 2016, but still, we do now have two animals. And that being said, neither of these options are bad. Bald eagles are badass, and look badass, while bison have long played a historically significant role in many cultures throughout American history.

But as you might surmise, not every country can really lock in a good national animal like America. In fact, a lot of countries are represented by animals that are not only weird, they straight up don’t fucking exist. And not a single one of these fake animals is a warthog in an army uniform firing a bazooka, which is what we would have come up with if asked to make up a mythical creature to represent America.

You know the deal at this point. We found out that some countries are weird about an arbitrary thing, and we’re going to tell you all about the weirdness. And folks? There are a lot of official animals that straight up do not exist. So many that we’re going to split this sucker into two articles. Keep in mind, most of these creatures were invented about 300 years before we as a species really started getting good at “imagination” and it shows.

The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 1)

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A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

“Oh God, no, not pizza. Ruin ANYTHING ELSE but spare the pizza!”

~Your Taste Buds

 hawaiin pizza

We talk a lot about pizza around these parts, but can you blame us? Pizza is just about the perfect, when done right. But, as you no doubt know, it’s…not always done right. Now we get a lot of flack from St. Louis and Ohio Valley residents because of our article that (correctly) points out what their regional pizzas are (garbage) but we can at least take solace in knowing that, as a nation, we generally have our shit together.

Other countries, though? Not so much. Sure, we’ve previously talked about Pizza Hut’s crazy international menu items, and England’s hot dog crust pizza, but we’ve not really taken the moment to sit down and let you know how badly other countries are screwing up pizza.

And boy howdy, are they screwing up pizzas.

Granted, this article only lists isolated instances—a bad pizza idea from a country other than America does not mean that the country in question does not know how to make at least passable pizza otherwise. But still, when we see pizzas being ruined across the world, it’s our duty, as Americans, to point it out. You know, so we can feel superior, and also so we can say, “Well, sure, we have St. Louis-style pizza, but we’re not monsters.

Because these pizzas? Yar, there be monsters.

A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Estonia

“Oh…oh no.  It’s another Russia-bordering country.  This is going to be so sad.”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

estonia

We know America does food better than any other country, primarily because when other countries make good things, we just steal it ourselves and make it bigger and better. We didn’t invent pizza, but have you had pizza in Italy? Our staff has.  t’s, like, fine. America does it much better, with a few notable exceptions.  Now, there are other countries that have great food as well (Italy’s still got us beat in the pasta game , for example).

And there are countries that have bad food.  But we don’t care about any of those countries. No, we take interest in countries whose food is not just generally bad, but wholeheartedly depressing in ways that cling to your soul.  We don’t know what caused our fascination with nations whose recipe books come pre-streaked with tears, but we’re not going to stop now.

Our latest nation with food that makes us so, so sad? The small Russia-adjacent nation of Estonia.  Strap in, this is going to be a doozy.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Estonia

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Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

aldi

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.” Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen? Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”

That’s it.

The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.

Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it. If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”

We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.” No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away. They stalk us to this very day.

So fuck it. We’ll lean into the skid. Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Mordvinia

“Wait, so this is depressing even for RUSSIA?  Jesus.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic

 mordvinia

We very clearly love food here, but we also love calling out other countries for how bad their food is. Granted, it’s not particularly noteworthy to have bad food (cough, sup England) or weird food (how you living, Japan). But we prefer to focus on depressing food cultures. Like, yes, Iceland eats rotted fermented shark, and that’s gross, but the fact that they ferment everything because they can’t afford to import salt, or that the shark has to be fermented so that it stops being poisonous is legitimately depressing.

So we are here to keep our proud tradition of looking at rich, steeped culinary histories and going, “Oh God, that’s so sad.” Now let’s hop on a plane to the federal subject of Russia, Mordvinia, where things get depressing, even for Russia.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Mordvinia

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 4- National Anthems With The Lowest Self Esteem

“This is our national anthem, nobody likes me L”

~Huh, How Do You Get an Emoji in a National Anthem?

national-anthem

We’ve spent the last few weeks telling you about countries that aren’t America, which we know is very jarring for many of you. But in our attempts to be cultured (read as: making fun of other nations) we’ve found a broad spectrum of National Anthems that range from “Okay that’s pretty badass” to “please stop crying, please stop crying, it’s making us very uncomfortable.”

Make no mistake, a National Anthem is supposed to be your country at its most very badass. But that’s not always the case. So we’re going to close out our series with a handful of nations that, just, really need to boost that self-esteem.  Come on guys, chins up!

The National Anthems Of The World Series:  Part 4- National Anthems With The Lowest Self Esteem

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The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 3- The Most Depressing National Anthem Lyrics

“I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.”

~Bangladesh’s National Anthem, Basically

national-anthem

For the past few weeks we’ve been looking at various National Anthems, and judging their lyrics in our own judgey way. We started off with those anthems that we deemed to be particularly “metal” because that’s by far the most fun thing to read, but there are all sorts of National Anthems out there. Some are origin stories. Some are proud. Some are, meh, boring (sup Canada).

But, notably, a lot are surprisingly depressing. Let’s all get sad together, shall we?

The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 3- The Most Depressing National Anthem Lyrics

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