Tag Archives: Canada

A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

“Oh God, no, not pizza. Ruin ANYTHING ELSE but spare the pizza!”

~Your Taste Buds

 hawaiin pizza

We talk a lot about pizza around these parts, but can you blame us? Pizza is just about the perfect, when done right. But, as you no doubt know, it’s…not always done right. Now we get a lot of flack from St. Louis and Ohio Valley residents because of our article that (correctly) points out what their regional pizzas are (garbage) but we can at least take solace in knowing that, as a nation, we generally have our shit together. Other countries, though? Not so much. Sure, we’ve previously talked about Pizza Hut’s crazy international menu items, and England’s hot dog crust pizza, but we’ve not really taken the moment to sit down and let you know how badly other countries are screwing up pizza.

And boy howdy, are they screwing up pizzas.

Granted, this article only lists isolated instances—a bad pizza idea from a country other than America does not mean that the country in question does not know how to make at least passable pizza otherwise. But still, when we see pizzas being ruined across the world, it’s our duty, as Americans, to point it out. You know, so we can feel superior, and also so we can say, “Well, sure, we have St. Louis-style pizza, but we’re not monsters.

Because these pizzas? Yar, there be monsters.

A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

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The Fenian Brotherhood: Invading Canada, From America, For Ireland

“Ha ha, guys, what are you doing?  Come on, stop that.”

~American and Canadian Forces, 1866


For years, we’ve treated Canada like our polite, little brother to the North.  They’re friendly, they send over some comedians we like, and excluding the time they killed the Baldwin family in the South Park movie, they’ve been an adequate ally and neighbor.  We tend to forget that they’re technically still a Commonwealth of England, with the Queen on their currency and everything, but we don’t really care about that, since we’ve not really had a beef with England since they burned down our White House and we were forced to replace it with a much more kickass presidential residence.

Now, while Canada has never really done anything wrong by us, England does have its fair share of people pissed off at them.  Like, say, the Irish.  Oh yeah, the Irish have a very sticky history with England and, well, there’s no nuanced way to say this so we’ll just spit it out—a bunch of Irish Americans invaded Canada as a “fuck you” to England, which is just about the closest we as a nation has come to invading Canada since the early 1800s.  So that’s a thing, a thing that happened, in history.  Let’s talk about it.

That One Time the Fenian Brotherhood Kept Invading Canada From America

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America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

“Guys, you have to stop.  Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

slider bloody

Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America.  The reasons behind this should be readily apparent.  After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor.  We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute.   Oh how naive we once we, how innocent.  That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”

With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.”  Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

insane bloody

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This Week in Beer- Inaugural Edition

“God bless you, Michigan.”

~Michigan residents who like to refer to their state in the third person

this week in beer

Our staff at America Fun Fact of the Day know we have one of the most important jobs in this nation—to keep our citizens informed of the best that America has to offer.  Sometimes, we might deem it important that you know about badass presidents from the past, or just general badasses from our history, but more often than not this duty involves telling you about alcohol and fatty foods you should be putting in your body at all times.  It’s our sworn charge, and we take it pretty seriously.

Which is why we’ve decided to create a weekly installment here on America Fun Fact of the Day to make sure that you area always up-to-date on one of the most important topics we can imagine.  That’s right—beer.  So strap yourself in, because we’re about to deliver the latest, most important beer news from the past week (or thereabouts).  Because beer is serious business.

AFFotD Presents:  This Week in Beer- Inaugural Edition

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Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

“*sip* ahhhh, that’s the stuff”


If we told you that we liked beer, you’d slap us for being redundant.  Also because we’re drunk and we made a pass at your girlfriend.  Chill, dude, chill.  But while most Americans know all the important details about beer (it’s made with hops, it tastes delicious, if you have enough of them your fists are immune to walls) beer’s long and storied history is such that no one could possibly know all the quirky ins and outs behind the fairest of alcoholic brews.

So in honor of beer, and also did we mention we’re drunk, we’re here to list off…

Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

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Are You American Quiz Part 3: Foreign Correspondant Edition

“Even when you start accepting Canadians, you won’t let ME in?”

~Joshua “Hey, remember Dawson’s Creek, eh?” Jackson


As we’ve seen previously, we at the AFFotD offices have a series of checks and tests to ensure that those working for us are properly American.  And when our first American test was unable to detect the distinctive traces of maple syrup in Seth Rogan’s Canadian blood, we had to make an secondary “Are You American” quiz to root out the pretenders and, well, Canucks.  And the combination of the two tests worked extremely well, as we were able to spot and turn away Hayden “Well, he was Darth Vader, but he also was the shitty one” Christensen, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan “We get him confused with Ryan Gosling more often than we’d like to admit” Reynolds.  But then, we received a phone call that completely changed the hiring policies of the America Fun Fact of the Day in ways that still has the offices deeply divided.

Jason “Made sweet, grunty, outdoor love to Amy Smart in Crank” Statham called and asked if he could be an AFFotD foreign correspondent.  We’re pretty sure that concept is an oxymoron, but then again we don’t know what oxymoron means (…someone too dumb to breath?), but it did lead to a series of lengthy meetings.  And by meetings, we mean a 48 hour booze party.  When we woke up, we had a series of voice mails from Angelina Jolie asking for us to stop calling or she’d file a restraining order, and Statham was in our offices to thank us for accepting his application.  We don’t remember calling him, but apparently we did.  An excerpt of the voice mail message he played for us is listed below.

“Heyyyyyy Transporter 2 guy!  Hey, it’s the America Fun Fact…urp… of the Day offices here.  Tittays!  Wooo!  Hahaha, dude dude stop it, I’m calling the bald dude from those Guy Ritchie movies.  Hey, shhhhhh guys, I’m on the PHONE here, Christ.  So, listen, like, you’re not American but you do kick ass, like, you know, Americans do, it’s how we doooooooooo.  So you can’t be on the staff man, but you can be like, our British dude.  Like, the resident British dude, or yeah, what you said, the four lane Coors despondent.  Yeah.  Yeah… I’m gonna, just, like, rest my eyes for a bit…”

Forty minutes of silence followed, but the evidence was clear.  We had hired a foreign correspondent doohickey.  And really, if anyone could have swayed us, it would have been Statham.  We added Hugh Laurie to that category shortly thereafter because, dudes, Dr. House, seriously.

But in order to add the appropriate foreign correspondents, and make sure that, despite their “born in another damn country” handicaps, they still have enough American traits to at least keep us informed of the latest crazes in Deer Kickboxing, we needed to create a new, separate test.  One that could determine the Americanness of an individual who was not technically American.  It hurt our brains to think about it, but that might just be the hangover.

And here is the fruit of our labors, the “Are You American Enough To Be Called An Honorary American” Quiz.  You can keep score at home.  A– is worth 0 points, B- is worth 1 point, C- is worth 4 points, and D- is worth 5.  Here we go again.

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How American Are You Quiz: Part Two

“Get the hell out of here, and take your loveable slacker persona with you, motherfucker!”

~Steven Spielberg, AFFotD’s Hiring Director

For the first time in the history of the America Fun Fact of the Day, we’ve encountered something…well, something terrible.  It is with great shame that we must admit that last week, we accidentally hired a staff member who was not American.  This has never happened before, we swear to God, it was an honest mistake.  We thought that Seth Rogen would fit the much needed “Chubby funny man/loveable slacker” position.  We were excited to have him, we all thought Superbad was a great movie, and not only because we supported the central theme of “underage Americans buying booze to get laid at a party.”  We thought it had a lot of heart.  Like when Michael Cera’s character dropped that bottle of liquor on the bus, and it shattered all over the place, we really felt for the kid.  And all that booze that he could have been drinking.  The only unrealistic part of that scene was that no one immediately dropped to the floor in a desperate part to lick the remains, but we’ll let that one go.

So, as he was turning in his pay forms, and we were asking him about the movie (we basically kept saying, “Hey, hey, Seth…remember McLovin’?” and he’d say, “Yeah,” and we’d say, “Haha, awesome!”) he said, “Well, I got these forms here, I mean, I left the social security part blank, I hope that’s okay.”  We told him it was, a lot of us like being paid under the table in cash, or bootleg DVDs, so that’s not an unusual request.  But then, then, he said, “Well, I’m excited to be working with you, I’ll see you guys bright and early tomorrow, eh?”

The offices went silent.  Some of us dropped our whisky glasses.  One of the interns started crying, but that might have been because we stuck him on “mail bomb checking duty,” so that wasn’t too strange.  At that point, Steven Spielberg, who works in our HR Department, actually read the information listed in Rogen’s hiring forms.  This was the first time anyone at AFFotD has bothered to read the damn things, or even really read in general.  Spielberg flat out admits that he picks movies to direct based on if it’s written in bold font or not, and would be the first to admit that he’s gotten pretty lucky with that.  But sure enough, on Seth Rogen’s form, under birthplace…

It listed Vancouver.  Canada.

That’s right, loyal readers.  America Fun Fact of the Day, where literally nearly double digits amount of people rely on their American knowledge, had employed a Canadian for nearly ten minutes.  We’ve tried to rectify this, we fired Judd Apatow for recommending the hire (and also, really, his work’s sort of been underwhelming post-2007), and our snipers took a couple of pot shots at him as he fled the building.  Though, he was hilarious when he was scrambling and darting around during that whole “us shooting at him” thing.  Say what you will about his country of birth, that motherfucking Canadian is funny.

As we looked back, trying to see where we went wrong, we realized that he had scored a 25 on his “How American Are You?” Quiz.  That’s solidly American, a healthy clip above the “questionable” cut off of 21 points.  That just won’t do, if our America Quiz fails us, how can we keep the Seth Rogens and Jim Carreys out (Oh shit, Jim Carrey’s Canadian too?  Goddamn it!)?  If our America Quiz fails us, how can we convince ourselves to turn down the applications of Pamela Anderson or Natasha Henstridge (GODDAMN YOU CANADA!)?

And so it is out of necessity that we present part two of the “How American Are You?” quiz which we call “How American Are You?  No, Really” quiz.  The scoring is simple.  First, take your result from the first test (which is no doubt seared into your brains), and add the following points for each answer.  If you answer A, you receive zero points, B is one point, C is six points, D is eight points, and E is worth ten points.  The more American answers are worth more points than in the previous test, to truly separate the Larry Davids from the Dan Aykroyds. Continue reading

Wherein AFFotD Discovers an Erroneous Discussion of America’s Greatness By a Dastardly Foe of the Moniker “The Health Ranger” Who Threatens Our Very Way of American Excellence Through Cowardly Ideals

“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great.  Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it).  But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness.  An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live:  Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument.  But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News?  Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.

First of all…nature?  Fuck nature.  How many times do we have to say that?  Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book.  But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner.  Do you see what we see?  CHINESE!?  SPIES!  THEY’RE SPIES!  When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.

So right off the bat, we have some concerns.  Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green.  Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America.  Why did he throw the word “still” in there?  It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer.  We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.

“Ha ha!  Plausible Deniability!”

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