Tag Archives: Red Dawn

The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 6 of 10)

“I’m from here *points to arbitrary point on hand*”

~Every Michigan resident

america states of america

PART SIX

At this point, you likely are familiar with the setup here.  The American States of America takes each and every state, one by one, and tells you their most American quality.  Some states are great at drinking.  Some are great at inventing fatty foods.  We’re pretty sure one of them leads the nation in motorcycle-riding-obese-Dwarfs per capita.  We don’t know what state that is, but we want to go there right the fuck now.  But until then, we’ll just focus on the things that make the following American states so damn American.

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AFFotD’s Book Review of “Kill All The Belgians”

“Book review?  Only if it’s extremely negative to other cultures.  It IS?  Sure I’ll give it a shot, then”

~AFFotD Book Reading Guy, Chuck Palahniuk

 

Books are scary.  Look at those assholes up there, just… looking all…rustic and shit.  Since you are reading an America Fun Fact of the Day, we can safely assume that we should explain what books are to you, the semi-literate reader.

“Hey that there tuxedo bird hurt it head, hyuk”

Books are a series of pieces of paper that are usually organized in a way to inform the reader or tell a story.  They are “bound” together using glue or string or magic or whatever shit they use, and the front of a book is usually a “cover” that will have a picture telling you what the book is called, and giving you an idea what it is about.  About half the time the cover has something to do with Fabio.  Popular books include, The Bible, Harry Potter, and The Day My Butt Went Psycho.  Books should be viewed as dangerous, however, as they often will force Americans to read, and greatly increase your risk of paper cuts, which always suck, no matter how much Neosporin you put on them.

IT DOES NOTHING!

That is why we at the AFFotD offices are hesitant to begin our next segment.  While we were perusing the google translate for various Belgium website (as most people do in their spare time when their firewall blocks out porn) when we found a garbled article decrying a book written by an American that paints the Belgians (Belgiums?  Belges?  Gums?) in a particular negative right.  For whatever reason, Belgians had a problem with this book, and were offended by it.  That got our attention.  If an American is pissing off a foreign nation, we’re going to approve of it.  When we found out that it was a children’s book with pictures, we got even more excited, because that meant that at least 60% of our staff would be able to make some sense out of it at least.  And finally, we saw the title…

Yes, that’s right.  Let’s Kill All The Belgians: A Child’s Guide to Genocide.  We had a lengthy argument in the office about if that was the best book title ever, or the best book title ever, eventually settling on a fistfight.  So we figured, coming in at a whopping seven pages, we out to give Danny Wind’s masterpiece a proper review.  So now, here is the first ever AFFotD Book Review (of America!)

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AFFotD’s Review of “Red Dawn”

“A million thumbs up!”

~A drunken Roger Ebert

Entertainment is always crafted with a certain audience in mind.  Joss Whedon creates TV shows and films to cater to feminists and nerds.  Michael Bay makes films for people who hate coherent plots but love boobs and bombs.  Ever since 2002, M. Night Shyamalan has been making films intended for recent stroke victims.

“Is that my daughter on the television tube?”

However, there is a special subset of films that are occasionally released that the AFFotD staff loves the most.  Obviously, these would be movies meant for true Americans.  While these movies are often properly lauded, occasionally they slip through the cracks, and instead of sweeping the Oscars get mediocre reviews from critics, despite being badass enough to warrant a “probably won’t be that good” remake.

We’re of course talking about the film Red Dawn, which will be reviewed in today’s issue of…

AFFotD’s Night at the Movies

Wolverines!

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Wherein AFFotD Discovers an Erroneous Discussion of America’s Greatness By a Dastardly Foe of the Moniker “The Health Ranger” Who Threatens Our Very Way of American Excellence Through Cowardly Ideals

“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great.  Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it).  But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness.  An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live:  Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument.  But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News?  Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.

First of all…nature?  Fuck nature.  How many times do we have to say that?  Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book.  But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner.  Do you see what we see?  CHINESE!?  SPIES!  THEY’RE SPIES!  When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.

So right off the bat, we have some concerns.  Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green.  Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America.  Why did he throw the word “still” in there?  It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer.  We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.

“Ha ha!  Plausible Deniability!”

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