“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great. Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it). But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness. An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live: Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument. But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News? Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.
First of all…nature? Fuck nature. How many times do we have to say that? Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book. But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner. Do you see what we see? CHINESE!? SPIES! THEY’RE SPIES! When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.
So right off the bat, we have some concerns. Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green. Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America. Why did he throw the word “still” in there? It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer. We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.
“Ha ha! Plausible Deniability!”