Tag Archives: Johnny Roosevelt

The Craziest People Running For President in 2016

“I would like to officially announce my candidacy for President of these United States of America.”

~Deez Nuts

presidential seal

No matter what your gold hoarding uncles or temporarily-Libertarian college-aged cousins or Donald Trump might tell you, we live in a Democracy.  No, it’s true!  Anyone (yes, even you!) can run for President if you really wanted to.  Sure, the candidates you hear about in the news are all businessmen or politicians, usually independently wealthy, who gather hundreds of millions of dollars to bombard your TVs with negative ads about their opponents that sort of drown out into white noise after a while, but there are dozens, nay, hundreds of Americans right now who are looking for your vote in a completely legimtate and legally recognized manner.  No, seriously.  As of the posting of this article, there are 600 Americans who have formally announced their candidacy for President of the United States of America.

Holy shit, right?

Now, naturally all of these people have different levels of commitment to their campaigns—some take it very seriously, raising a few thousand dollars even though deep down they know they don’t have a chance, while others just sort of knee jerk send in their candidacy form and ignore it from thereon out (that’s right, we’re calling you out, Thomas Francis Winterbottom—with a name like that, and three Presidential runs under your belt, you should at least have a personal webpage).

Oh, right, and a bunch of the people running are gloriously, impossibly batshit insane.  No, stop it, we’ve already made the cheap Trump joke in this article, that’s all we’re allotted.  These people are actively nuts.  Let’s learn a bit more about their candidacy, shall we?

The Craziest People Running For President in 2016

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An April Fools’ Message From Our Editor-in-Chief

“Ugh, seriously guys?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

april-fools-day

Hi, America.  This is Johnny Roosevelt here, Editor-in-Chief of this fine portal of American greatness.  Ever since my great-grandfather invented America, the Roosevelt name has been dedicated to maintaining America’s might and almost Herculean ability to ignore our own faults while focusing on the good things in life.  Beer, bourbon, fried foods, and so forth.  So, while we normally like to avoid actual opinion articles on this site, since let’s be honest you’re usually coming here to find out what beers will get you drunk fastest, and we are nothing if not shameless panderers to page views, every once and a while I feel it’s time for me to step forward, give the rest of my writers a bit of a day off, and talk to you, the American people.  Or, you know, non-Americans, you’d be surprised how many Europeans randomly read this site.

And what is of such importance that I felt the need to wake up literally 4 hours earlier than usual, dealing with the whiskey hangover I associate with every Wednesday morning?  The date.  It’s April 1st.  For some of you, that’s just a normal day in spring.  For most of you, it’s APRIL FOOLS’ DAY and you’re going to be PULLING PRANKS!  That’s neat!  That’s cute.

You need to fucking stop, America.

carrie blood

Pictured above- still better than most April Fools’ pranks.

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AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt Tries to Buy Domain Names

“Purchasing anythingwashington.com can help you become the market leader”

~Fast Moving Domains

There are occasions where people choose to contact AFFotD with compelling American like offers, as opposed to the typical amounts of hate mail.  We know, we’re surprised by it too, if we want to be perfectly honest.  Normally it’s angry Siberians who are pissed off that we wrote that their currency is worth less than McDonald’s napkins.  Or, just, you know.  Greeks.  Lots of Greeks, doesn’t matter what we say, it makes them mad.

Stop being so fiery, Greeks.  We know that’s sort of your thing, but cool it.

So when we got an email about a potential business opportunity, you know we felt like we had to jump on it.

What follows is the various exchanges between our Editor in Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, and Fast Moving Domains, who were attempting to sell us a domain name.  Enjoy.

“Stockphotosofhotchicksonthephone.com is still available for purchase”

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Wherein AFFotD Defends American Speech Patterns From The Radical And Problematic Views Of The Foolish British

“I don’t even care, you guys.  They’re not even people.  They’re just…British.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt


Much like a stubborn teenager who grew up to be far more successful and powerful than their father, America has a complicated relationship with England.  We ran away from home, they burned down our President’s House, we made them feel embarrassed by being so American and awesome, but we still keep in touch sometimes and we like to say that we’re still pretty close friends even though we only see each other a few times a year.

So it always saddens us when we hear British people foolishly try to tell us we’re doing shit wrong.  It doesn’t happen often, because after we remind them that we saved their asses in doubleyou doubleyou two, they fucking owe us, but they still sometimes let criticisms squeak through.

Like this BBC article listing off the 50 “worst” “Americanisms.”  Pssh, way to be oxymoronic, douchebags.  In their classic attempt to write an article without writing an article, these dentist’s nightmares decided to have their readers mail in their least favorite “Americanisms,” as long with an explanation of why they’re bothered by it.

Let’s go through the list and tell them why they’re wrong wrong wrong.  Goddamn limeys.

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Wherein AFFotD Declares A Blog War Against A Pandemic Foe, Who Doth Dare Assert That America Is Doomed

“Boys, get out your phallus thesaurus, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned blog fight!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt


America Fun Fact of the Day prides itself as being an apolitical entity.  Sure, we’ll rip on Jimmy Carter, but really, who gives a shit about Jimmy Carter?  We also rip on Richard Nixon because we’re pretty sure he tried to coax us into the back of a van with candy one time.  We don’t talk about George Bush other than to point out that, surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not one of America’s ugliest vice-presidents, and we don’t talk about Barack Obama other than to point out that motherfucker is brewing beer and that’s kind of awesome.  But when actual politics come into the fold, we like to sit on the sideline.  Honestly, if you belong to a particular political party, we don’t really care unless you threaten to take away our booze or say shit against America.  Oh, and we have issues with PETA, but they don’t count.

Seriously, how can a protest campaign ONLY center around naked women and mutilated animals?  How does that make sense?

So when it comes to strong political ideals, we don’t really get the point.  The only difference between a tax cut and a tax hike is a bottle of whiskey and a drunken competitive game of skee ball.  We feel the need to point out that we have no liberal agenda, and no conservative agenda, and we go so far out of our way to avoid taking sides on hot topic issues that we won’t even make jokes about abortions, since both sides react to those by throwing eggs at us, and we hate having to clean our fucking walls.

Why are we going out of the way to point out how politically neutral we are?  Because we’re going to direct our editorial, American venom towards a left-wing blog.  “Oh, AFFotD, that’s not cool, why would you pick on a Liberal blog?  There are insane Conservative blogs all over, saying all sorts of inflammatory shit.”  We know, dear reader, we understand your trepidation.  But you should know what this blog is called.

That’s right.

America Doomed.

Aww HELL no!  We’re ready to go all Mike Adams on your headass.  The gloves are off.  This is America we’re talking about, we need to defend it from eunuchs like this.

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[REDACTED] Watches the Women’s World Cup Soccer Match Between America and North Korea

“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long.  He fled our confines and how did we reward him?  We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza.  It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”

~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th


As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are.  That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda.  So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like.  We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.

That’s right.  Women’s Soccer.  Ugh.  The hell is this bullshit?  That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA!  USA!) and North Korea (…ha)

[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match

 

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Okay, So We Were Taken Hostage Again, Goddamn It Anyway

“Our locksmith is so fired.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay, well that at least has been sorted out.  Finally.  Took a few days, but the AFFotD offices are 100% hostage-takers-free.  We’ve even cleaned up the Ukrainian Blood.  Do you know how hard Ukrainian blood is to get out?  So hard.

Obviously, many readers were quite worried a few days ago when we posted a desperate plea for help from the staff’s broom closet (it’s the most American broom closet you can imagine.  The mop bucket uses bourbon instead of water) letting you all know that we had, yet again, been kidnapped by some God.  Damn.  Ukrainians.

Gone were our attack monkeys (fuck you, PETA), gone were our chainsaw-nun-chucks (stupid government regulations), gone were our automated defense systems (…actually that was our bad, we totally forgot to pay the electricity bill last month).

All we had were our wits.  Well, that and an army of nameless interns to send on suicidal missions.  Their screams will haunt us for the rest of our days.

We’re still trying to get things back to operational capacity here, but we did have a few of our more semi-literate staff members describing their experience as it was happening through various journal entries.  We know, ugh, that’s just the fucking worst. So here is…

AFFotD Staff Members Write About Their Feelings and Shit, When Shit Gets Real

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The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

 

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

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Andrew Johnson’s Drunken Inauguration

“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”

~Andrew Johnson

The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path.  Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians:  Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads).  A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians.  And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.

We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…

And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash.  Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment.  Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor.  Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.

This show got eight seasons.  EIGHT.  Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three.  This message was sponsored by whiskey.  “Whiskey:  Drink me to forget.”

Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American.  And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption.  The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.

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