“I would like to officially announce my candidacy for President of these United States of America.”
No matter what your gold hoarding uncles or temporarily-Libertarian college-aged cousins or Donald Trump might tell you, we live in a Democracy. No, it’s true! Anyone (yes, even you!) can run for President if you really wanted to. Sure, the candidates you hear about in the news are all businessmen or politicians, usually independently wealthy, who gather hundreds of millions of dollars to bombard your TVs with negative ads about their opponents that sort of drown out into white noise after a while, but there are dozens, nay, hundreds of Americans right now who are looking for your vote in a completely legimtate and legally recognized manner. No, seriously. As of the posting of this article, there are 600 Americans who have formally announced their candidacy for President of the United States of America.
Holy shit, right?
Now, naturally all of these people have different levels of commitment to their campaigns—some take it very seriously, raising a few thousand dollars even though deep down they know they don’t have a chance, while others just sort of knee jerk send in their candidacy form and ignore it from thereon out (that’s right, we’re calling you out, Thomas Francis Winterbottom—with a name like that, and three Presidential runs under your belt, you should at least have a personal webpage).
Oh, right, and a bunch of the people running are gloriously, impossibly batshit insane. No, stop it, we’ve already made the cheap Trump joke in this article, that’s all we’re allotted. These people are actively nuts. Let’s learn a bit more about their candidacy, shall we?
The Craziest People Running For President in 2016
Going through the murky depths of the Presidential candidacy applications can be time consuming but rewarding, as evidenced by this entry from Sydneys Voluptuous Buttocks. Hell, we might have had to go through dozens of supremely boring candidates, but we also were able to find at least three verified cats running for President, leaving you, the American public, to decide who best represents your interests—Buddy the Cat, Turk YOLninetimes Fratterson, or Limberbutt McCubbins. Honestly we could make a whole post about joke candidates, which we absolutely might at some point, for for now we made a point to stick with real, honest to God, absolutely fuckton crazy Americans.
It’s a bit trickier than you’d think, because a surprising amount of these people are either just megalomaniacs with delusions of grandeur (we’re talking about the frontrunners) or random people from small towns who slap together some geocities website to announce that they’re different than every politician because of all the hard work they did as the manager of the Ames, Iowa Wendy’s until he was unjustly fired for selling weed to some of his coworkers, thanks Obama make it legal GOD. Plus, due to the sheer number of candidates, we couldn’t vet them all. But of those we did…well, let’s just start with Tami Stainfield.
Political Party: The “No” Party
It would be unfair to say that Tami Stainfield looks kind of meth’d the fuck out in her Senator banner that you can find on her official website, but here are some other pictures we’ve found of her that would make it a bit more fair to say that. She calls herself a member of the No Party, and according to her twitter that inexplicably appears to have a close up of part of a scarred and bandaged hand as its banner, she wants to stop Oligarchy governance and Global apartheid, and her current location is “Victim Brain and Body Torture.”
Tami Stainfield, who by the way is a Presidential candidate who is described to “likely [have] mental health issues” according to the cops that arrested her back in 2013, has probably the strangest disconnect between the language she uses in her official site versus the language she uses everywhere else. Namely, she actually manages to spell out her beliefs on her website using “grammar” and “words” and “a knowledge of English” to say things like “Tami has become an independent voice that recognized our current political, judicial and corporate policies and behaviors were shifting towards oligarchy and authoritarian principles” which might be kind of old man yelling at the clouds ranting, but at least it’s ranting that we can comprehend.
Meanwhile, her twitter feed is filled with shit like “Science where is liberty dog leash” (which was posted at 6 in the fucking morning) and her press release regarding her 2013 arrest, word vomits shit like “Then left – women followed with an axe or saw in hand, went to the police station – drove by and went back to the site and no cop was there. Went home and twitted another robotics scripted event.”
So basically, she hired a copywriter for her website, and everything else that comes out of her brain and finds its way to the internet is that unique and impressive kind of clustershit insane that’s really not much more than word jumble. Let’s play a quick game—we’re going to put down a bunch of random unrelated words, and then we’re going to also post a tweet posted by Tami Stainfield, No Party Candidate, and you need to tell us which is the real one and which is the one we made up.
Tweet Number 1: Tami got this book past said Cheryl really good cookie company this magazine low price to and looks if mail presents wisconsincheeseman
Tweet Number 2: dumbest World Leaders and Media Leaders in World with the fucking dumbest ‘pure democracy’ fucking downfall of mankind fuck u cut and paste
Ha ha, trick question, they were both Tami! Oh, also, here’s a random string of tweets where she rants about Sarah Palin or something, and somehow manages to devolve from using the C-word to using the N-word to, um, yeah actually you’ll probably be better off not clicking that. Jesus Christ, Tami.
Jerry “Mr. President” Leon Carroll
Political Party: Independent
Well, don’t worry if you can’t get Jerry “Mr. President” Leon Carroll into the White House—he’s also running for senate! Now, for a guy who lists his middle name as “Mr. President” it might come as no surprise to find out that this is not the first time Jerry Carroll has run for president. In fact, he first announced his candidacy in 1979, and has run every year since then as a Write-In Candidate (his best year was 1992, when he somehow managed to get 13 votes).
Now, what does Jerry Leon Carroll believe in? Well, a lot of things, as he’s pretty much the only person to have given a detailed summary of himself on his votesmart.org page. Every single thing we are going to list here is true—we normally don’t feel the need to clarify that, but we know most of you won’t click on that link we just posted, and we didn’t want any of you thinking that we were clever enough to make any of this shit up.
Jerry Leon Carroll was born in 1945 in Kansas, but has since moved to Oilhill, California, where he practices the religion of “Jesus Christ.” He attended California Polytechnical and Los Angeles City College before, somehow, attending Medical/lDental School and Nursing/Religion School from 1965-1984. He runs (or did until 2012) the Jerry Carroll Survival Institute, which seems to be some sort of Bible survival camp, and he claims that he was a Mole that “exposed Jim Jones Peoples[sic] Temple California Wide[sic]” from 1975-1978, which to us sounds like he was a part of Jim Jones’ cult and got out just before the whole mass poisoning thing. Oh, also, he spent two years as a Public Relations Man for the National Security Agency which, honestly, we’re pretty sure is bullshit.
His current car (why is this even listed?) is (terrifyingly) a 1967 GMC HandyVan. He lists himself as his favorite actor/actress from when he starred in “That’s All Folks” which, if that isn’t the name of a play he wrote, directed, and starred in at his local community theater, we will eat our hats. His favorite book is the Bible, which makes sense because his favorite author is “God, whom has a way with words NO!” Wait, what? Is that an answer, or two people typing out the transcript of a fight?
What’s that? You want more crazy? Sure! His favorite movie is “’Cimmaron’ 1931 about my great grandfather Rhodybach” which we can guarantee is wrong since that’s a movie based on a novel about Sam Houston’s son, his favorite quote is “’Nuts’ by the Battle of the Bulge general’” and his favorite sport is, and we shit you not, War. He likes the History Channel because it informs him of all his “famous ancestors” (who were alien?) and his only political belief listed is his desire to restore Manifest Destiny and have America take over the fucking world. He kind of reminds us of someone we’ve written about before, only with less of an ability to muster up a militia of mercenaries. But really, we just kind of feel…sorry for the guy. There’s crazy and delusional, and then there’s the kind of person who says he is his own favorite president “because Jerry thee president figured it out age four years” while posting shit like the following.
…Okay then. Moving on.
Quancidine Hinson Gribble
Political Party: Democrat
We’re not going to beat around the bush here. Well okay, that’s a horrible choice of words, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Back in 2000, Quancidine Hinson Gribble was sentenced to six months in prison after assaulting her husband. He was packing her things, and asking her to move out, and she responded by hitting him in the back of the head with a statue. During the trial, he mentioned that he was filing for divorce, but his lawyer was disbarred and he couldn’t find the file. She currently runs on the platform of being a widow of a Veteran, meaning that either Robert Gribble never succeeded in divorcing his wife, and has since passed away, or that he did succeed in getting a divorce and Quancidine Gribble doesn’t really understand how divorce laws work.
Either way, she is currently running for President, and has a gofundme account set up to get that going. So far, at the writing of this article, in her first month she has raised exactly 0 dollars of her $100 million goal. Oh, and she is dead set in her belief that Senator Kay Hagan is running a criminal conspiracy to stop her from being able to get survivor’s benefits. From the man she bashed in the head with a fucking statue. Vote Gribble 2016.
President Princess Khadijah M. Jacob-Fambro
Political Party: Revolutionary Party
When you’re presidential campaign becomes newsworthy three years after your initial filing because you named your committee “From One Alien To Another Alien…’Lil Wayne’ Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. ‘President Carter,’ WILL YOU MARRY ME? I AM GOD!!!!” with a drawing of a face, well, you’ve pretty much done everything you could hope to do with your joke political career. But we have to hand it to Ms. Jacob-Fabro a.k.a. the soon to be new Mrs. Carter a.k.a. your President of these United States, because she actually is doing something with her candidacy. You can see what she stands for on her official campaign site, slaveryends2016.com, the main page of which simply has the above photo as well as a blurry picture of weed next to the header “LEGALIZE CANNABIS IN ALL 50 STATES!” At the bottom of the page we get a few campaign slogans (we think?)—namely, “God Bless America!!!” and, “This is Judgement Day…’NOT’ a fire drill!” We can’t actually find anything on her “more about me” page, but she is petitioning Barack Obama to declare a state of Emergency, laying out what she would do as president (“Princess For President 2016. It’s Going To Take A Woman, To Clean Up The White House”).
Actually, it’s just one thing, and it’s not an actual crazy person suggestion (she wants to take half of the money provided through the Violence Against Women Act and spend it to stop police brutality, end homelessness, human trafficking, and domestic violence against women, which, like, that’s laughably not possible, but her heart is in the right place). Honestly, of all the candidates on this list, Princess is the one we’d be most likely to vote for—she filed her candidacy as a shameless marriage proposal, but she’s sticking to her guns and actually trying, in her own way, to shine attention on some actually negative things without devolving into a crazy shout monster. There’s something kind of honorable about that.
But, speaking of crazy shout monsters…
HRM Caesar St. Augustine De Buonaparte Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island
Political Party(s): Sovereign Citizens Committees HRM Caesar Saint Augustine de Buonaparte
The Good Party
Revolutionary New Party
Absolute Power Party
Dictator Party for President
Ho. Ly. Shit. Look into those eyes, let the crazy wash over you. Look at it. Everything about HMS Caesar Saint Augustine de Buonaparte screams, “LOOK AT ME WORLD, I AM UNMEDICATED” from his collage-filled campaign registration to his youtube videos where he basically speaks into the fuzziest microphone to say shit like, “Yeah, you’re all jerks, you’re all idiots, you’re terrible people, every last American citizen that pays taxes, I hope you all get drowned by the sea” while talking about how we’re controlled by other beings that might or might not be made out of water? We’re not sure, we didn’t actually go through and watch any of his videos in their entirety because there’s a fine line between research and mental torture. He has run for President just about every year since 1996, and in that time he has managed to gain the support of a whopping 19 people, if his campaign Facebook page’s likes total is any indication.
If you elect HRM Caesar Saint Augustine Du Buonaparte, he promises to protect you from prion disease. That…that seems to be his main point? No, seriously, this is a direct quote from his Facebook page—“ We must placate the prion riddled minds of the mobs to make official what has been true since 2004!” Um? He’s posted over 300 videos in the past six years, which means he’s posted a fifteen minute crazy person rant every week since 2009. He also doesn’t pay his taxes, and hates America, and keeps calling America The United States of Turtle Island, and he wants to be your “Supreme God and ruler of Pangea.”
Basically, he’s a crazy man with a fake name that posts conspiracy theories on YouTube, who technically can say, with 100% sincerity, that he is running for President of the United States (of Turtle Island, sure, but still). We’re not sure if that’s a sign that Democracy is wonderful, or if it is doomed. It doesn’t really matter, though, because there’s only one candidate we’d be willing to put our full weight of support behind.
Political Party: The Bull Moose Party Rises
That’s right, motherfuckers, our Editor-in-Chief is running for fucking President. Johnny is running with the Bull Moose Party Rises Party, and we’re really hoping for your vote, because he loves America, and is the craziest asshole on this entire list. USA! USA! Roosevelt 2016!
Johnny just actually came over to tell us what his campaign aims are. Well, more like stumbled. Frankly he reeks of whiskey, and he just handed us the following napkin.
What’s that? Nachos? We’re sold!
Was this entire article just a sham way to justify telling you about this campaign? Of course not! Did Johnny Roosevelt apply to run for President because we were finding all these crazy people who managed to do so themselves and he figured, “Eh, that looks easy and free”? Well…yes.
But still. Vote Johnny Roosevelt 2016 for a drunker America.