Tag Archives: President

Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

“Sure, this thing says I can’t vote, but where does it say I can’t just be president, then, huh?”

~Victoria Woodhull

victora woodhall

There are two kinds of historical figures in America; the ones we learn about at an early age in school, and the equally badass ones who just sort of linger in obscurity for a while until someone decides to write a movie about them.  The latest figure in that latter category, based on the fact that Brie Larson is signed on to play her in a currently under-development movie from Amazon Studios, is Victoria Woodhull, the first woman to run for president of the United States of America.  Oh, no, she didn’t come close to winning, obviously, but she still stands as an impressive, and pretty quirky, American hero that might as well be saluted in these hallowed, beer-splattered halls.  So here we go.

Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

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The Craziest People Running For President in 2016

“I would like to officially announce my candidacy for President of these United States of America.”

~Deez Nuts

presidential seal

No matter what your gold hoarding uncles or temporarily-Libertarian college-aged cousins or Donald Trump might tell you, we live in a Democracy.  No, it’s true!  Anyone (yes, even you!) can run for President if you really wanted to.  Sure, the candidates you hear about in the news are all businessmen or politicians, usually independently wealthy, who gather hundreds of millions of dollars to bombard your TVs with negative ads about their opponents that sort of drown out into white noise after a while, but there are dozens, nay, hundreds of Americans right now who are looking for your vote in a completely legimtate and legally recognized manner.  No, seriously.  As of the posting of this article, there are 600 Americans who have formally announced their candidacy for President of the United States of America.

Holy shit, right?

Now, naturally all of these people have different levels of commitment to their campaigns—some take it very seriously, raising a few thousand dollars even though deep down they know they don’t have a chance, while others just sort of knee jerk send in their candidacy form and ignore it from thereon out (that’s right, we’re calling you out, Thomas Francis Winterbottom—with a name like that, and three Presidential runs under your belt, you should at least have a personal webpage).

Oh, right, and a bunch of the people running are gloriously, impossibly batshit insane.  No, stop it, we’ve already made the cheap Trump joke in this article, that’s all we’re allotted.  These people are actively nuts.  Let’s learn a bit more about their candidacy, shall we?

The Craziest People Running For President in 2016

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Francis Firegrove: American Conspiracy Theory Expert

“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”

~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist


America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of.  Why’s that?  Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring.  Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities.  Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake.  So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child.  Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.

There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right? 

So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them.  So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert.  Take it away, Francis.

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The White House

“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”

~President Barack Obama

 

While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny.  Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…

…heh…heh…

 …but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”

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American Presidential Home Brewers

“Gonna getchya drunk, bitches.”

~George Washington


We expect a lot from our Presidents.  Sign this bill, kill this terrorist, take a lengthy vacation, sign this other bill, cover up that murder committed by your cousin, give a presidential pardon to a turkey on Thanksgiving, it can be quite a chore.  And many American Presidents have had to find their own creative ways to let off some steam while on the job.  Richard Nixon had his voyeuristic taping habits.  Bill Clinton had chubby chicks.  Jimmy Carter would club homeless people over the head and trap them inside the drywall of houses made for the poor.

However, there is a little known Presidential hobby that is becoming increasingly popular, and results in a lot less collateral damage than Jimmy “My Kindly Southern Disposition Hides a Sinister Past” Carter.

That’s right.  Presidents like to brew beer.  USA!  USA!

“Osama’s dead!  I mean…beer!”

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