Tag Archives: Francis Firegrove

The Conspiracy Theorist’s Guide to Groceries

“Hatchets were invented by Aliens to trick the Navajo into alcoholism!”

~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy Theorist


A few months back we introduced you to one of our more…eccentric writers in the AFFotD office.  Francis Firegrove has some…well, interesting thoughts that thankfully are easy to ignore.  Hell, it livens up our lunch break to no end just watching Firegrove rung around swatting cantaloupes out of people’s hands screaming, “NO IT’S MADE OF LISTERIA!” (…wait what?  He’s actually right about that?  Haha, holy shit).

Of course, the problem with hiring a certified nutjob is that, on occasion, you have to…well, let him speak.  Contractually.  In retrospect, we don’t really know what we were on when we decided to add Firegrove to our staff…

Ha, oh right.

Well, either way, we might as well get this over with.  If we don’t get Firegrove an article each calendar month, he technically becomes the majority owner of AFFotD.  Yeah we don’t know the legality of that either, but this is the last time we’re writing a contract on the back of a Denny’s menu, we’ll tell you that.

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Francis Firegrove: American Conspiracy Theory Expert

“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”

~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist


America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of.  Why’s that?  Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring.  Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities.  Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake.  So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child.  Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.

There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right? 

So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them.  So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert.  Take it away, Francis.

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