Tag Archives: LSD

Francis Firegrove: American Conspiracy Theory Expert

“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”

~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist


America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of.  Why’s that?  Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring.  Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities.  Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake.  So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child.  Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.

There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right? 

So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them.  So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert.  Take it away, Francis.

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Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 7/19- Gummy Bear Bratwurst

“I need this inside of me.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

 

AFFotD tries to stay on the forefront of the unhealthy cuisine community.  That is to say, we drink a lot, and after about that sixth beer you start getting the drunk hungers, and Burger King hamburgers get really boring after a while (This post is sponsored in part by Wendy’s.   With six sides to choose from with each of our twelve value meals, you’ll never get tired of it!  Look out for their new slogan.  Wendy’s: So many choices, but you know you’re going to get the spicy chicken sandwich with a small side of the chili.)  So when we hear about a new food out there that is ridiculous, and hopefully completely unhealthy, we unfasten our ethanol IVs and brave the DTs to seek them out.

That’s how we happened to stumble (and shake because, oh the shakes, oh God the shakes) upon a little Brat store in Hugo, Minnesota who reluctantly decided to give a massive middle finger to cuisine common sense, and made something so amazing that you’re not legally allowed to cook it sober.

That’s right those of you with good eyesight and a willingness to squint to read what the package says in the photo above.  Gummy.  Bear.  Brats.  Bratwurst made with gummy bears.  It might sound too good to be true, but that’s just because a life of harsh reality has all but destroyed your capacity for carefree imagination, because this shit is as real as your probation officer.

It is to Bratwurst what the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich was to Chicken Sandwiches:  A total game changer!

That’s right America, we are here (with the financial backing of Wendy’s, home of the best French Fries fast food has to offer!) to tell you the story of a little shop that could.  Clog arteries.  With meat and candy.  Remember in the 1990’s when that only-okay song, Sex and Candy, came out?  God that decade was a mess.  But yeah, you guys!  Meat and candy!  Together!  Sponsored by Wendy’s!  We really needed the money!

Wendy’s!  Their executives are gentle kissers and don’t mind if you’re crying during! Continue reading