“MOAR! GODDAMN IT I SAID MOAR!”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
As we’ve mentioned time and time and time again, America loves Fried Food even more than we love Hulk Hogan, and don’t get us started about how much America loves the Hulkster. The moment you choose to fry a food, you make it unhealthy and therefore delicious, and anytime someone says, “I don’t think you can deep fry that” they are automatically deported back to France and are placed in forced mime labor camps, where they must spend their days wearing white face makeup while they pretend to break and move boulders while trapped inside invisible boxes. And they totally deserve their fate—when someone asks you if you would eat a deep fried sports car, the correct answer is, “Holy shit, where can I find that!” not “Uh, no, you…you realize that our bodies can’t consume metal, no matter what you do to it, right?”
And as summer approaches, so does State Fair season, which is that magical time of year where aspiring fry chefs look to get middle America as fat as possible without causing their hearts to explode, like some obesity version of Jenga (once things start wobbling you have to wait for it to settle before finishing the piece). So in that fine American tradition, we are here to clue you in on even more fried foods created to take you that one step closer to just giving up and intravenously pumping melted butter into your arteries between meals.
America’s Most Insane Fried Foods: Part 5
“Earn your money, whore. Earn your money and talk about our damn Frosties.”
The staff of AFFotD are not, by the general definition, foodies. We appreciate a fine steak as much as anyone, and we might have had an embarrassingly sexual response to hearing about gourmet cocktails that house Old Fashioneds inside an ice-shaped egg, and we’ll even shell a hundred bucks on a dinner and actually appreciate the meal, but…come on, people, we’ve written two articles about deep fried foods. So if you tell us about any dish with the term “reduction sauce” in it, our eyes are likely to roll into the back of our heads like an A.D.D. Epileptic. So when we scour the internet to find the latest American food inventions (Sponsored, as always, by Wendy’s. Wendy’s: They pay us to dance and goddamn it we’re going to dance!) we don’t look for exciting uses of quail egg, or quick-freeze layers of liquefied ox tail, hell no, we want to see unhealthy shit piled up as high as our cholesterol.
And that’s when we found…
The “Deep in the Heart (Attack) of Texas” sandwich. Yes. Yes. All of this yes. (………Sponsored by Wendy’s)
“I need this inside of me.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
AFFotD tries to stay on the forefront of the unhealthy cuisine community. That is to say, we drink a lot, and after about that sixth beer you start getting the drunk hungers, and Burger King hamburgers get really boring after a while (This post is sponsored in part by Wendy’s. With six sides to choose from with each of our twelve value meals, you’ll never get tired of it! Look out for their new slogan. Wendy’s: So many choices, but you know you’re going to get the spicy chicken sandwich with a small side of the chili.) So when we hear about a new food out there that is ridiculous, and hopefully completely unhealthy, we unfasten our ethanol IVs and brave the DTs to seek them out.
That’s how we happened to stumble (and shake because, oh the shakes, oh God the shakes) upon a little Brat store in Hugo, Minnesota who reluctantly decided to give a massive middle finger to cuisine common sense, and made something so amazing that you’re not legally allowed to cook it sober.
That’s right those of you with good eyesight and a willingness to squint to read what the package says in the photo above. Gummy. Bear. Brats. Bratwurst made with gummy bears. It might sound too good to be true, but that’s just because a life of harsh reality has all but destroyed your capacity for carefree imagination, because this shit is as real as your probation officer.
It is to Bratwurst what the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich was to Chicken Sandwiches: A total game changer!
That’s right America, we are here (with the financial backing of Wendy’s, home of the best French Fries fast food has to offer!) to tell you the story of a little shop that could. Clog arteries. With meat and candy. Remember in the 1990’s when that only-okay song, Sex and Candy, came out? God that decade was a mess. But yeah, you guys! Meat and candy! Together! Sponsored by Wendy’s! We really needed the money!
Wendy’s! Their executives are gentle kissers and don’t mind if you’re crying during! Continue reading
Posted in Wendy's Presents
Tagged America, Baconator, Bratwurst, Chicken Sandwich, Food, Grundhofer's Old-Fashioned Meat, Hugo Minnesota, Jelly Bean, Jelly Bean Bratwurst, John Goodman, LSD, Oh why are we doing this, Wendy's
Several months ago, AFFotD risks arterial integrity to inform you, the hopefully soon-to-be-morbidly-obese American, about the glory that is unhealthy, generally Deep-Fried Carnival food. And while this list did help cover the basics, such as telling you about hamburgers with Deep-Fried doughnuts instead of buns, as well as creating a few butter fetishists out there, we feel that our list was missing a few key Deep-Fried components.
Yes that is a Deep-Fried shoe.
As summer makes a point to cover Americans in a fine sheen of sweat, Americans make it their duty to ensure that this sweat will be at least 75% grease. AFFotD can feel your pain, as all too often do Americans accidentally mistake baby carrots for Cheetos and consume their yearly allotment of vegetables (read as: One vegetable is too much). And for every time you’ve been tricked into drinking fruit and vegetable juice by the evil V8 corporation, we at AFFotD make it our duty to make sure you can balance that shit out with food items so unhealthy that heart attacks don’t even eat them, saying, “Woah there, that’s a bit too rich for my tastes.”
To which a true American of course would respond, “OM NOM NOM, belch” to the following foods.
Posted in Fried Foods
Tagged America, butter, Carnival Food, cracked, Deep Fried Butter, deep fried kool-aid, deep-fried jam sandwiches, deep-fried twinkies, Doughnuts, Fried Food, Inception, John Goodman, Kool-aid, Nancy Kerrigan, peanut butter, smuckers, The Ring, twinkies, uncrustables
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, American Flag, Bacon, butter, Condor Eggs, ipad, Italian Sausage, John Goodman, Meaty Recipe, Obesity, pepperoni, pizza, Pizza Hut, Steve Jobs, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Stuffed Toppings Pizza
“Where the hell am I? Why am I tied up? Why does it smell like baby powder? WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BABY POWDER!?”
~Bruce Willis, Security officer of AFFotD, yesterday
Ladies and gentlemen, to quote Gandhi, shit just got real. At AFFotD, we have on occasion offended groups that we perceived to “have a sense of humor” or “not really matter because Serbians don’t really count as people.” And while we take our fair share of blame (for example, while our Elizabeth Smart jokes were pretty good digs on Mormonism, the route we took was pretty offensive to women and people with any hint of a sense of shame) we also think that everyone is sort of overreacting to this shit. Not to pull the “they’re asking for it” card, but…come on guys. This is America, we’re going to make fun of people who are not American enough to meet our strict standards of Americanness. All we’re saying is, if Spaniards don’t want to be called lazy, they shouldn’t have all their stores close for two hours in the afternoon so everyone can have a nap. It’s called an economy, not preschool, assholes. But yet, there are a bunch of Spanish people outside our offices with picket signs that look very threatening. As Americans we can’t understand the Spanish because, seriously guys? Learn English. But the signs are written in red and they have upside down exclamation points, which we’re guessing is a reference to lynching.
As is the America Fun Fact of the Day custom, we sent out a few interns to see what would happen, and sure enough they were torn apart faster than that horse in the pilot episode of “The Walking Dead.” The protesters dug into them like David Hasselhoff digs into a Wendy’s hamburger- it was messy, there was partial nudity, and alcohol had to be involved. We tried to get the cops involved but they said they couldn’t charge them with anything because publically murdering interns in a parking lot only warrants a 100 dollar littering ticket. Which really pissed us off because we should have remembered that from last year’s Christmas party.
So yes, we’ve pissed off a few people. Though I have no idea why there are so many Ukrainian people out there. Sure, we mentioned Chernobyl the other day, but we really don’t know why they reacted the way they did. (Ha, reacted. Reactor. Kaboom.)
To make a long story short, we got kidnapped by a shitton of Ukrainians today, which is why we’re not tackling any hard-hitting topic like Blizzards or Steak . It was hard to tell how many there were, since they were all wearing masks (not like it would matter since all Ukrainians look the same anyway, amiright!?) but they got in through the air ducts. They shot security officer Bruce Willis with a tranquilizer dart while he was taking part in our weekly “office man-versus-bear fight” just to limit the amount of potential rouge staffers going around and picking off their crew one by one while barefoot. When the bear saw Willis go down, it was so surprised that it jumped out of the window, assuming it was supposed to die in the fight. But that’s beside the point.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Andy Dick, Bruce Willis, Chernobyl, David Carradine, David Hasselhoff, Don't Taze Me Bro, Elizabeth Smart, Gandhi, John Goodman, monkey, Mormons, Spaniards, The Walking Dead, Tony Stewart, Ukrainians, Wendy's