Several months ago, AFFotD risks arterial integrity to inform you, the hopefully soon-to-be-morbidly-obese American, about the glory that is unhealthy, generally Deep-Fried Carnival food. And while this list did help cover the basics, such as telling you about hamburgers with Deep-Fried doughnuts instead of buns, as well as creating a few butter fetishists out there, we feel that our list was missing a few key Deep-Fried components.
Yes that is a Deep-Fried shoe.
As summer makes a point to cover Americans in a fine sheen of sweat, Americans make it their duty to ensure that this sweat will be at least 75% grease. AFFotD can feel your pain, as all too often do Americans accidentally mistake baby carrots for Cheetos and consume their yearly allotment of vegetables (read as: One vegetable is too much). And for every time you’ve been tricked into drinking fruit and vegetable juice by the evil V8 corporation, we at AFFotD make it our duty to make sure you can balance that shit out with food items so unhealthy that heart attacks don’t even eat them, saying, “Woah there, that’s a bit too rich for my tastes.”
To which a true American of course would respond, “OM NOM NOM, belch” to the following foods.
Posted in Fried Foods
Tagged America, butter, Carnival Food, cracked, Deep Fried Butter, deep fried kool-aid, deep-fried jam sandwiches, deep-fried twinkies, Doughnuts, Fried Food, Inception, John Goodman, Kool-aid, Nancy Kerrigan, peanut butter, smuckers, The Ring, twinkies, uncrustables
“The link between sugar and cavities have never been truly confirmed. I say, let your dentist worry about it.”
~Milton S. Hershey
One of the least controversial statements an American can make is, “Carnivals are fucking awesome.” Be it a state fair, a traveling amusement park, or a Cruise line where many passengers get gastronomical illnesses, carnivals encompass everything American, from the games of chance meant to scam hardworking marks to the impressively unhealthy food inventions that they spawn.
Carnival food in particular has become a bit of a cultural phenomenon in recent years, coinciding with the increasingly “Foodie” culture that many white people Americans have embraced. After the breakdown of the “health food” movement, Americans correctly realized that they had wasted a good portion of the late 90’s eating things like “soy beans” and “wheatgrass” and other strange foods that come in unnatural colors like “green” and “brown.” So Americans everywhere flocked to carnivals to revel in what carnivals do best: shortsighted innovation!
“So how about we take sugar, add some food coloring, spin it until it’s fluffy, and then stuff it in a bag a small child’s head can and will fit in?”
As Americans, it’s our duty to go out of our way to find food that will wage war against our small intestines. And Carnivals, state fairs, and outdoor festivals give Americans the best opportunity to ingest their yearly calorie intake in just a few minutes. And goddamn it if that doesn’t sound American as hell to us. Here are the most American foods you’ll every pay a Carnie to put in your mouth.
Posted in Fried Foods
Tagged America, Bacon Cheeseburger, butter, Butter Sculptures, Carnival, Carnival Food, Cheese, Cotton Candy, Deep fried pizza, Donky Tails, Donuts, Foodie culture, Fried Olives, Fried Oreos, Hot Dog, Jim Henson, Kool-aid, Kool-aid pickles, Marilyn Monroe, Meatball, Milton Hershey, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Spaghetti, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tortilla, Urban Dictionary
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, American Flag, Bacon, butter, Condor Eggs, ipad, Italian Sausage, John Goodman, Meaty Recipe, Obesity, pepperoni, pizza, Pizza Hut, Steve Jobs, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Stuffed Toppings Pizza