“Alright, he deserves a break. Let him try that ridiculous, gloriously American pizza.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
A few weeks ago, we informed you of the most beautiful pizza ever concocted- the Pizza Hut Toppings Stuffed Pizza. This glorious conspiracy against your arteries has been unleashed onto America for a limited time only, so we had to get our staff to do a review on it. Unfortunately, most of our staff members only have collegiate degrees in cursing, and our food critic, John Goodman, is on a two week vacation to celebrate his Oscar we stole for him. So we had only one place to turn. We had to turn to the monster we had created, a man hellbent on revenge for the things we had put him through.
That’s right. We had to turn…to [REDACTED]. For those of you unfamiliar with his tale of woe, [REDACTED] is a staff member and investigative journalist whose name has been stricken from all of our documents to protect him from the fact that we once made him eat at a Vegan restaurant. After a series of tricks and cruel assignments, he finally snapped and escaped from our supervision, spending a strange week drinking and ghost-walking piers in Chicago.
He’s been in isolation ever since, regaining his American zeal and, well, sanity through a series of therapeutic procedures, so…hopefully, he’s ready to see the light of day. Because we really want to know if this pizza is any good. We’re guessing it fucking is.
Posted in Pizza Pizza, [REDACTED]
Tagged America, Christian Scientist Seeing Cellular Mitosis, Jalapenos, Jane Fonda, John Wayne, Mushrooms, pizza, Pizza Hut, Redacted, Salami, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Tofu, Toppings Stuffed Pizza
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, American Flag, Bacon, butter, Condor Eggs, ipad, Italian Sausage, John Goodman, Meaty Recipe, Obesity, pepperoni, pizza, Pizza Hut, Steve Jobs, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Stuffed Toppings Pizza