Tag Archives: Obesity

Pizza Hut Brings Us One Step Closer to Pizza Stuffed Pizzas

“…Yes….Yesss….YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of.  For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers.  They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe.  We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).   

Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie.  That was a game changer, folks.  Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted.  Calorie intake skyrocketed.  There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.

It’s why this image even EXISTS

So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected.  Something wonderful.  Something…well, something damn amazing.

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They’re Trying to Take Our Happy Meals!

“No toys in my Happy Meals?  Fine.  Then I’ll grow up to be a serial puppy murderer.  These are the stakes, mom and dad, THESE ARE THE STAKES.”

~Children in San Francisco

Every child growing up after 1979, and every parents of a child after 1979, has an appreciation for the McDonald’s toy-food combination known as The Happy Meal.  For the children, it’s the 10 cents worth of cheap plastic that they will be incredibly excited about until they get home and promptly put it in the microwave because “That bitch Ursula is gonna get what’s coming to her.”  And Happy Meals afford parents brief moments where they can finally eat one goddamn meal in peace without the child screaming like a banshee, you shouldn’t have done that kegstand while you were pregnant with him, honey. It combines two of the best American traits- rampant, imitable consumerism, and incredible obesity.  So you can advertise your latest aimed-at-kids blockbuster film, while helping them scarf down half their daily fat intake in one meal.  It’s great!  We love Happy Meals because it plumps up our kids, which, let’s be honest, makes them less energetic and a lot easier to deal with.

Plus, Americans become 8% funnier for every 10 pounds they gain.

So today, AFFotD is going to discuss the history of the Happy Meal, as well as the terrifying real assault if faces today by the politically minded Chinese sleeper agents in our ranks.

Watch your ass, Mike Adams.

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