“I thought we couldn’t get any lower than talking about how horny that Paper Mario N64 game was, but here we are…”
~Affotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
For reasons that should be apparent, our staff has had a lot of time on our hands to try to binge various tv series we’ve not previously seen. In this case, that show was Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Now, you might get a little public-distance-based unease at the idea of a group of drunk people watching 176 episodes of television inside during a pandemic, but don’t worry. Our staff has taken all the proper precautions.
We’ve literally never stepped foot outside of our office since March 15th. Except for one intern, who we send out twice a week to do all of our grocery shopping. He has to leave all the food and booze outside of our office and then he must scurry off to spend the rest of his time alone in a small, hermetically-sealed closet.
We don’t even talk to him over the phone, in case the virus can be transmitted wirelessly. He has lost his mind.
But enough about Darren, who apparently has changed his name to “Lorgon, the final man” in a fit of mania. Let’s talk about Star Trek. Because guess what?
This shit is HORNY.
Every Star Trek: The Next Generation Character Who Has Fucked
“The best way to get hired is to be drunk and illiterate.”
The past few years have been a rough time for those seeking employment in America. We know that we at the AFFotD offices sometimes have been guilty of rubbing in our plush jobs in the faces of normal Americans looking for work. While they’re left subsiding on Ramen noodles cooked in whiskey instead of water (admit it, you’re both disgusted by and curious about how that would taste once you heard about it) we’re bragging about our Condor egg omlettes and our totally ironic consumption of Whiskeyed Ramen.
Like this, only it actually can get us drunk
But despite our cushy job, which includes the actual captain’s chair from Star Trek that we take turns sitting in (the chair itself? Not so cushy) we do sympathize with the plight of those Americans currently hunting for jobs. Which is why we’re here to salute the most American resumes from Americans who clearly didn’t give a shit.
“No toys in my Happy Meals? Fine. Then I’ll grow up to be a serial puppy murderer. These are the stakes, mom and dad, THESE ARE THE STAKES.”
~Children in San Francisco
Every child growing up after 1979, and every parents of a child after 1979, has an appreciation for the McDonald’s toy-food combination known as The Happy Meal. For the children, it’s the 10 cents worth of cheap plastic that they will be incredibly excited about until they get home and promptly put it in the microwave because “That bitch Ursula is gonna get what’s coming to her.” And Happy Meals afford parents brief moments where they can finally eat one goddamn meal in peace without the child screaming like a banshee, you shouldn’t have done that kegstand while you were pregnant with him, honey. It combines two of the best American traits- rampant, imitable consumerism, and incredible obesity. So you can advertise your latest aimed-at-kids blockbuster film, while helping them scarf down half their daily fat intake in one meal. It’s great! We love Happy Meals because it plumps up our kids, which, let’s be honest, makes them less energetic and a lot easier to deal with.
Plus, Americans become 8% funnier for every 10 pounds they gain.
So today, AFFotD is going to discuss the history of the Happy Meal, as well as the terrifying real assault if faces today by the politically minded Chinese sleeper agents in our ranks.
Watch your ass, Mike Adams.
Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged America, Bee Movie, Furbies, Happy Meal, Happy Meal Ban, McDonalds, Mike Adams, New York, Obesity, Ronald McDonald, Russians, San Francisco, Star Trek, The Health Ranger