America’s Greatest Resumes

“The best way to get hired is to be drunk and illiterate.”

~Warren Buffett

The past few years have been a rough time for those seeking employment in America.  We know that we at the AFFotD offices sometimes have been guilty of rubbing in our plush jobs in the faces of normal Americans looking for work.  While they’re left subsiding on Ramen noodles cooked in whiskey instead of water (admit it, you’re both disgusted by and curious about how that would taste once you heard about it) we’re bragging about our Condor egg omlettes and our totally ironic consumption of Whiskeyed Ramen.

Like this, only it actually can get us drunk

But despite our cushy job, which includes the actual captain’s chair from Star Trek that we take turns sitting in (the chair itself?  Not so cushy) we do sympathize with the plight of those Americans currently hunting for jobs.  Which is why we’re here to salute the most American resumes from Americans who clearly didn’t give a shit.

There is a simple art form to the absurd resume, and this one nails it.  Little Kevin Corrigan subsides primarily on the tears of frustration shed by HR workers who have to go through his resumes.  This resume is basically like a long-form way of telling a company, “Go fuck yourself.”  This only suffers from being so blatantly fake that we’re pretty sure the company would have stopped reading after “Email- I’m not allowed to go on the Internet.”

However, the great moments come when you’re about 90% sure a resume is fucking with you…but you can’t guarantee that the person is not just ridiculous instead.  Like this little gem.

This candidate does not fuck around.  In fact, the only way you can get a better resume to give the middle finger to the American unemployment rate is if this level of sarcasm was put into an actual resume format.

This is…just beautiful to behold.  The degrees from Yale, Harvard, Oxford, and…DeVry.  The Puletsur Prize that he won while writing “lots of articles” at “The Newspaper.”  Just…everything.  You know, we’re probably slowing this down by explaining the humor of each resume like some sort of internet writing version of Jay Leno, let’s just keep these rolling.

This one is amazing because, according to anonymous internet sources, it’s actually real.

…he…hehe…

For those of you out there who are currently working, be glad you don’t have to worry about your resumes and cover letters any longer.  For those of you looking for a job?  Well, take solace in knowing that there are people like those seen above that do their best to make you look incredible by comparison.  Either way, we salute these faceless job seekers (except for Clint Skene, who looks like he should hide his face far more often) for taking something as serious as a job search and making it just that little bit more ridiculous.