The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

Looting is the ultimate sign of a end to order and civility, and it proves that humanity’s default setting is “stealing shit for no reason.”  And that’s the main problem with most people- there’s no strategy involved.  People just smash windows, grab things, cut themselves on glass shards, but there’s no art to it.  That’s where we come in.  Now, no matter what your looting occasion, be it that all the truly righteous souls have ascended to paradise leaving you to wallow with the sinners, or be it that your government doesn’t know how to respond to floods particularly well, the key to looting is foresight.  If you’re not ready for the inevitable but unexpected moment when you will need to go out and do some looting, well then you deserve to be stuck picking over the remnants of a Borders or a Dollar Tree.

Dollar Tree:  Everything’s Depressing

 Much like Jason Bourne instinctively knows who can handle themselves in a fight in any given crowd, you must know which store owners always wears a red bandana and had bad experiences in ‘Nam, compared to which store owners threatened to move to Canada if they got drafted even though it ended up being a mute point because of their asthma.  One of those stores is going to give you a lot fewer problems when you try to loot it than the other.

Pro tip:  You don’t want to fuck with the first guy

So, obviously you want to know your targets.  Maybe you want survival equipment, maybe you want books and entertainment to keep you company, maybe you are looking for something else (don’t kid yourself, you’re going to raid the nearest liquor store).  Before you go about setting fire to your neighbor’s house because yeah that’ll teach them to call the cops on your Barbeques goddamn it anyway and robbing stores for all the things you always wanted but never wanted to pay for, you’re going to need to set up your emergency looting kit.  Here is a list of all the items you will need for your successful days and nights spent looting amongst the flames and screams (oh God, the screams).

1:  Two handles of hard alcohol, per person.  “Oh I have a handle of liquor, it’s like a flavored vodka and it’s 30% alcohol” no get that shit out of here.  Vodka, Gin, Rum, or something brown are the only types allowed.  Looting is a lot like karaoke: it’s a lot of fun while wasted, but it can be painful to get through sober.  Two handles should be enough for a solid day of looting; bring more if you anticipate your looting to last longer.

2:  Ten pairs of pants.  At least ten pairs of pants.  Pants play a surprisingly important role in looting.  Did you fail to realize that the chain link fence outside of the gun store happens to be lined with barbed wire?  Boom, drape a few pairs of pants over it to avoid cutting your hands and legs on the way over.  Did you involuntarily soil yourself in a somber reflection of your eminent doom?  Boom, good thing you can change pants before all the other Looters notice and make fun of you.  Did your gasoline doused pants accidentally come into contact with an open flame?  AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

“Thank you, thank you very much.”

[Editor’s Note:  You’ll definitely want to bring more pants if you’re planning on taking part in looting sex.  Fair warning though, looting sex is surprisingly underwhelming]

3:  Two bricks.  A common rookie mistake of most first-time looters (read as: every looter) is to bring just one brick, chuck it through the window of some electronics store, and forget about it.  We don’t know what the hell the hippies mean about this whole “conservation” thing, and we don’t like the sound of the word, but in this case, conserving your brick is key.  Throw it, pick it up, repeat.  Bring two bricks to give yourself a backup.  That way you can put the “loot” in “looting.”  Or you know, steal like a crate full of socks or whatever, we don’t give a shit what you do with this knowledge.

4:  A flexible, sturdy backpack.  Quick question, how many times have you watched looters, only to see them scurrying out of a store with whatever they could fit in their stretched out T-shirts.  Or even worse, just whatever they can fit in their hands.  Unless you’re the best juggler ever, that’s just leaving plenty of desirable items unlooted.  That seems like such a waste, especially considering all the fresh, admittedly obese, corpses you made outside just so you could get first dibs at the super Wal-Mart.  Speaking of that.

5:  Enough weapons to make you feel like you’re in an expositional filler scene in Boondock Saints.  Guns, knives, violent dogs that are loyal to you, whatever you can stock up and keep successfully hidden in the back room your wife isn’t allowed to ask you about (practice this phrase, “No honey, it’s not porn, and it’s nothing illegal or dangerous, I just need you to trust me”).  We’re not going to beat around the bush here, if you’re going to do a looting spree right, you’re going to be killing people.  It’s not even going to be a “me or them” mindset by the end of it, you’ll be cutting people down because you like their shoes.  Hell, even if you don’t like their shoes.  You’ll just tie the shoes together and toss them over a power line, because everything is cold and empty inside.

So much death.  So much death.

Now that you have everything you’ll need for a successful looting, it just depends on what you’ll want to steal.  Sure, a dozen ipads sounds like it’s a good idea, but what use is electronics when society comes crashing down around you and the only true currency left is trust and bullets, and you’re all out of trust?  You can find food practically everywhere, but do you know how to distill alcohol?  We didn’t think so.  You have to think ahead like that.  Here is AFFotD’s do’s and don’ts for looting.

DO:  At some point loot some clothes, and maybe a duffel bag.  We know, saying that you should loot clothes is like asking for a sweater for Christmas, it feels like a waste when there’s so many better things you could be focusing on getting.  You’ll thank us when winter falls.

DON’T:  Waste your time with expensive gadgets.  Oh wow, you dragged a 3D TV out of that Best Buy?  That’s really fucking cool.  Oh, you got the 3D glasses with it too?  Well, that’s common sense, you need the glasses for it to really work.  Oh, but wait it doesn’t’ fucking matter because ever since the bad times began there has been no TV.  And where are you getting your electricity from, asshole?  In a looting, apocalyptic situation, you might see a thousand dollar TV, but the practical looter sees maybe twelve, thirteen good glass shards that can be tied to a stick and fashioned into a spear.

While you were busy watching Avatar for the eighth time, we were watching Man vs. Wild, motherfucker

DO:  Get shitty, just all the time.  You know what always sucks?  The collapse of society.  You know what always is amazing?  Getting drunk enough that you start seeing the ghosts of your friends that were the first to die.  If you drink enough they’ll even accept your apology!  Drink to forget!  Drink to forget!

DON’T:  Try to make allies.  This isn’t the first season of Survivor, and you’re not a fat naked Gay man (probably.  And if you are, this is still not Survivor).  Allies are for World Wars and the French, they have no business being mentioned in the same sentence as looting.  Looting is every man for himself, which is why you have a bomb rigged to your chest set to detonate if your heart ever stops.  Because if you get taken down, you’re going to take those bastards out with you!  Which brings us to our last point.

DO:  Rig yourself with a bomb that will detonate if your heart ever stops.  Because you’ve lost your sanity long ago by now.

And with all of this helpful knowledge, you’re now ready to dive into looting like a real pro.  Because no matter what situation you face, be it the Rapture or some sort of Zombie Apocalypse, you’ll want to be ready to get whatever free shit you can out of it.  A future American looter, much like a Boy Scout, is always prepared.

Amateurs