“Hey, if I can survive the apocalypse…”
AFFotD always looks forward with pragmatic optimism, by which we mean to say a large percentage of our staff is pretty convinced that the end of days are nigh. While we weren’t left behind by the Rapture as we thought (or even hoped. Who knows, something about ruling a lawless society with guns and audacity appeals to our inner-Libertarian) we remain pretty convinced that the whole 2012 Mayan apocalypse is going to melt us faster than that dude in Volcano. And since we have both crackpots and alcohol as permanent fixtures in our offices, we feel it is our duty to keep our finger on the apocalyptic pulse of America.
That is why we are introducing to you, our newest AFFotD segment…
Apocalypse Watch 2012: THE PLAGUE IS BACK, BABY!
The Bubonic Plague is kind of a big deal. You might know it as “The Black Death” or (incorrectly) as “the very creepy basis for the origin of the song Ring Around the Rosies” or even “I think someone had that once on an episode of House.” But no matter how you look at it, the Plague is forever associated with pestilence and death, and it has its nifty little feat of killing 30% of Europe between 1347 and 1352 to thank for that.
The Plague still exists in some forms today, though in a much milder form that, though deadly, is easily treated with antibiotics.
So why is this worth the very first AFFotD “Apocalypse Watch”? Oh, because researchers decided to reconstruct 99% of the genome of the original disease. The article we just linked reads like a recruitment party for infectious diseases to just come at us with all their might, if for no other reason than to justify the sudden phobias acquired by people after watching the movie Contagion.
Admittedly, it’s hard to be scared of something that kills Gwyneth Paltrow
The article does have the decency to remind us of our every nightmare with the closing quotation, “We know this is going to happen. Some bacteria will mutate.” Awesome. With that in mind, science, since you’ve clearly decided to just shout at nature, who we might add is a mean son-of-a-bitch, and say, “Give us your best shot” we at AFFotD humbly suggest a few ways to mess with nature that does not include reviving a terrifying, deadly disease.
Because, fuck it, 2012 is happening anyway, right? Might as well do it on our own terms.
1. Instead of reviving the plague, why not figure a way to completely remove the Ozone layer?
Remember the 1990’s? That was a fun time, wasn’t it? Everyone was wearing leggings and watching Saved by the Bell, listening to Deep Blue Something, and freaking the shit out about a hole in the Ozone Layer. You don’t hear about it that much now, do you? Well, when there was talk about exposing the world to the black fucking death, we got to thinking, “Who would probably be unaffected by this? People that live by themselves in caves, probably.” And then we realized they would also remain unscathed if the Ozone layer were removed to allow the Earth to be scorched. So win-win for cave dwellers, no matter what your poison is.
Bonus- Sure, you’d go down, but you’d go down taking nature with you.
2. Or, you could just leave a bunch of nuclear launch codes out in various public places and hope someone evil comes across them?
This is more in line with what the scientists are doing by bringing the Bubonic Plague back in the world. While it’s not directly making sure it’s used to wipe us all out, you have to figure it’s just a matter of time before someone gets a bright idea. So, Mr. President of whatever country wants to go ahead and do this, just practice the phrase, “Did I do that?” Say it like Urkel did. The 90’s were pretty badass.
3. Just about anything else you do would be safer than creating Bubonic Plague.
Stop using helmets while playing football? Sure, go ahead! See if you can develop an immunity to poison? Worked in The Princess Bride! Seriously, scientists, if you do anything besides creating more Bubonic Plague (and, we guess, programming the emotion “resentment” into robots) it would be a better, safer idea.
Oh well, we guess it doesn’t matter in the long run. Bring on the Black Death! End of days!