“You want a piece of me? COME ON, ASSHOLES! WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME!”
We Americans try to act civilized and focus on the finer things in life, like a nice aged scotch or photoshopping actresses’ faces onto photos of naked women, but despite our efforts to contain our savage impulses, we do love a good fight. There’s nothing wrong with that—fighting is a healthy and natural way to vent anger, settle disputes, and teach assholes not to drive on the highway with their blinker on the whole time. The mere existence of fighting is responsible for 100% of all instances where someone shouts, “Yeah you better run,” which is one of the more underappreciated American sentences in existence.
If you ever doubt America’s hidden yearning to watch people bash the ever-loving bile out of each other, just ask any American male why he likes the movie Fight Club.
“The anti-capitalist metaphor, man, I like that it’s against consumerism,” they might say.
No, why do you really like Fight Club?
“Uh, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt give incredibly nuanced…”
No. Why do you really like the movie?
“Because of the fighting! Because they fight! In a club! Oh God, why did daddy leave, why did daddy have to leave us?”
Woah, that got dark. Since segues are for the French and people who lack confidence about their sexual virility (ha, but didn’t we say “the French” already? Burn) just know that today’s fun fact is…
The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)
“More like a house divided against itself cannot stand another ass whooping like the one I just dished out! Boooom! Classic Lincoln-Zinger. Oh..oh wow, you’re actually…yeah you’re bleeding really bad…Oh…”