“Get the hell out of here, and take your loveable slacker persona with you, motherfucker!”
~Steven Spielberg, AFFotD’s Hiring Director
For the first time in the history of the America Fun Fact of the Day, we’ve encountered something…well, something terrible. It is with great shame that we must admit that last week, we accidentally hired a staff member who was not American. This has never happened before, we swear to God, it was an honest mistake. We thought that Seth Rogen would fit the much needed “Chubby funny man/loveable slacker” position. We were excited to have him, we all thought Superbad was a great movie, and not only because we supported the central theme of “underage Americans buying booze to get laid at a party.” We thought it had a lot of heart. Like when Michael Cera’s character dropped that bottle of liquor on the bus, and it shattered all over the place, we really felt for the kid. And all that booze that he could have been drinking. The only unrealistic part of that scene was that no one immediately dropped to the floor in a desperate part to lick the remains, but we’ll let that one go.
So, as he was turning in his pay forms, and we were asking him about the movie (we basically kept saying, “Hey, hey, Seth…remember McLovin’?” and he’d say, “Yeah,” and we’d say, “Haha, awesome!”) he said, “Well, I got these forms here, I mean, I left the social security part blank, I hope that’s okay.” We told him it was, a lot of us like being paid under the table in cash, or bootleg DVDs, so that’s not an unusual request. But then, then, he said, “Well, I’m excited to be working with you, I’ll see you guys bright and early tomorrow, eh?”
The offices went silent. Some of us dropped our whisky glasses. One of the interns started crying, but that might have been because we stuck him on “mail bomb checking duty,” so that wasn’t too strange. At that point, Steven Spielberg, who works in our HR Department, actually read the information listed in Rogen’s hiring forms. This was the first time anyone at AFFotD has bothered to read the damn things, or even really read in general. Spielberg flat out admits that he picks movies to direct based on if it’s written in bold font or not, and would be the first to admit that he’s gotten pretty lucky with that. But sure enough, on Seth Rogen’s form, under birthplace…
It listed Vancouver. Canada.
That’s right, loyal readers. America Fun Fact of the Day, where literally nearly double digits amount of people rely on their American knowledge, had employed a Canadian for nearly ten minutes. We’ve tried to rectify this, we fired Judd Apatow for recommending the hire (and also, really, his work’s sort of been underwhelming post-2007), and our snipers took a couple of pot shots at him as he fled the building. Though, he was hilarious when he was scrambling and darting around during that whole “us shooting at him” thing. Say what you will about his country of birth, that motherfucking Canadian is funny.
As we looked back, trying to see where we went wrong, we realized that he had scored a 25 on his “How American Are You?” Quiz. That’s solidly American, a healthy clip above the “questionable” cut off of 21 points. That just won’t do, if our America Quiz fails us, how can we keep the Seth Rogens and Jim Carreys out (Oh shit, Jim Carrey’s Canadian too? Goddamn it!)? If our America Quiz fails us, how can we convince ourselves to turn down the applications of Pamela Anderson or Natasha Henstridge (GODDAMN YOU CANADA!)?
And so it is out of necessity that we present part two of the “How American Are You?” quiz which we call “How American Are You? No, Really” quiz. The scoring is simple. First, take your result from the first test (which is no doubt seared into your brains), and add the following points for each answer. If you answer A, you receive zero points, B is one point, C is six points, D is eight points, and E is worth ten points. The more American answers are worth more points than in the previous test, to truly separate the Larry Davids from the Dan Aykroyds. Continue reading