Tag Archives: Seth Rogan

Are You American Quiz Part 3: Foreign Correspondant Edition

“Even when you start accepting Canadians, you won’t let ME in?”

~Joshua “Hey, remember Dawson’s Creek, eh?” Jackson

 

As we’ve seen previously, we at the AFFotD offices have a series of checks and tests to ensure that those working for us are properly American.  And when our first American test was unable to detect the distinctive traces of maple syrup in Seth Rogan’s Canadian blood, we had to make an secondary “Are You American” quiz to root out the pretenders and, well, Canucks.  And the combination of the two tests worked extremely well, as we were able to spot and turn away Hayden “Well, he was Darth Vader, but he also was the shitty one” Christensen, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan “We get him confused with Ryan Gosling more often than we’d like to admit” Reynolds.  But then, we received a phone call that completely changed the hiring policies of the America Fun Fact of the Day in ways that still has the offices deeply divided.

Jason “Made sweet, grunty, outdoor love to Amy Smart in Crank” Statham called and asked if he could be an AFFotD foreign correspondent.  We’re pretty sure that concept is an oxymoron, but then again we don’t know what oxymoron means (…someone too dumb to breath?), but it did lead to a series of lengthy meetings.  And by meetings, we mean a 48 hour booze party.  When we woke up, we had a series of voice mails from Angelina Jolie asking for us to stop calling or she’d file a restraining order, and Statham was in our offices to thank us for accepting his application.  We don’t remember calling him, but apparently we did.  An excerpt of the voice mail message he played for us is listed below.

“Heyyyyyy Transporter 2 guy!  Hey, it’s the America Fun Fact…urp… of the Day offices here.  Tittays!  Wooo!  Hahaha, dude dude stop it, I’m calling the bald dude from those Guy Ritchie movies.  Hey, shhhhhh guys, I’m on the PHONE here, Christ.  So, listen, like, you’re not American but you do kick ass, like, you know, Americans do, it’s how we doooooooooo.  So you can’t be on the staff man, but you can be like, our British dude.  Like, the resident British dude, or yeah, what you said, the four lane Coors despondent.  Yeah.  Yeah… I’m gonna, just, like, rest my eyes for a bit…”

Forty minutes of silence followed, but the evidence was clear.  We had hired a foreign correspondent doohickey.  And really, if anyone could have swayed us, it would have been Statham.  We added Hugh Laurie to that category shortly thereafter because, dudes, Dr. House, seriously.

But in order to add the appropriate foreign correspondents, and make sure that, despite their “born in another damn country” handicaps, they still have enough American traits to at least keep us informed of the latest crazes in Deer Kickboxing, we needed to create a new, separate test.  One that could determine the Americanness of an individual who was not technically American.  It hurt our brains to think about it, but that might just be the hangover.

And here is the fruit of our labors, the “Are You American Enough To Be Called An Honorary American” Quiz.  You can keep score at home.  A– is worth 0 points, B- is worth 1 point, C- is worth 4 points, and D- is worth 5.  Here we go again.

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How American Are You Quiz: Part Two

“Get the hell out of here, and take your loveable slacker persona with you, motherfucker!”

~Steven Spielberg, AFFotD’s Hiring Director

For the first time in the history of the America Fun Fact of the Day, we’ve encountered something…well, something terrible.  It is with great shame that we must admit that last week, we accidentally hired a staff member who was not American.  This has never happened before, we swear to God, it was an honest mistake.  We thought that Seth Rogen would fit the much needed “Chubby funny man/loveable slacker” position.  We were excited to have him, we all thought Superbad was a great movie, and not only because we supported the central theme of “underage Americans buying booze to get laid at a party.”  We thought it had a lot of heart.  Like when Michael Cera’s character dropped that bottle of liquor on the bus, and it shattered all over the place, we really felt for the kid.  And all that booze that he could have been drinking.  The only unrealistic part of that scene was that no one immediately dropped to the floor in a desperate part to lick the remains, but we’ll let that one go.

So, as he was turning in his pay forms, and we were asking him about the movie (we basically kept saying, “Hey, hey, Seth…remember McLovin’?” and he’d say, “Yeah,” and we’d say, “Haha, awesome!”) he said, “Well, I got these forms here, I mean, I left the social security part blank, I hope that’s okay.”  We told him it was, a lot of us like being paid under the table in cash, or bootleg DVDs, so that’s not an unusual request.  But then, then, he said, “Well, I’m excited to be working with you, I’ll see you guys bright and early tomorrow, eh?”

The offices went silent.  Some of us dropped our whisky glasses.  One of the interns started crying, but that might have been because we stuck him on “mail bomb checking duty,” so that wasn’t too strange.  At that point, Steven Spielberg, who works in our HR Department, actually read the information listed in Rogen’s hiring forms.  This was the first time anyone at AFFotD has bothered to read the damn things, or even really read in general.  Spielberg flat out admits that he picks movies to direct based on if it’s written in bold font or not, and would be the first to admit that he’s gotten pretty lucky with that.  But sure enough, on Seth Rogen’s form, under birthplace…

It listed Vancouver.  Canada.

That’s right, loyal readers.  America Fun Fact of the Day, where literally nearly double digits amount of people rely on their American knowledge, had employed a Canadian for nearly ten minutes.  We’ve tried to rectify this, we fired Judd Apatow for recommending the hire (and also, really, his work’s sort of been underwhelming post-2007), and our snipers took a couple of pot shots at him as he fled the building.  Though, he was hilarious when he was scrambling and darting around during that whole “us shooting at him” thing.  Say what you will about his country of birth, that motherfucking Canadian is funny.

As we looked back, trying to see where we went wrong, we realized that he had scored a 25 on his “How American Are You?” Quiz.  That’s solidly American, a healthy clip above the “questionable” cut off of 21 points.  That just won’t do, if our America Quiz fails us, how can we keep the Seth Rogens and Jim Carreys out (Oh shit, Jim Carrey’s Canadian too?  Goddamn it!)?  If our America Quiz fails us, how can we convince ourselves to turn down the applications of Pamela Anderson or Natasha Henstridge (GODDAMN YOU CANADA!)?

And so it is out of necessity that we present part two of the “How American Are You?” quiz which we call “How American Are You?  No, Really” quiz.  The scoring is simple.  First, take your result from the first test (which is no doubt seared into your brains), and add the following points for each answer.  If you answer A, you receive zero points, B is one point, C is six points, D is eight points, and E is worth ten points.  The more American answers are worth more points than in the previous test, to truly separate the Larry Davids from the Dan Aykroyds. Continue reading