Tag Archives: Cricket

AFFotd Presents: America’s Attempt to Understand Cricket

“The shit is this?”

~AFFotD’s Sports Ambassadors

cricket

We all know there are only four sports that really count—football, basketball, baseball when you’re drunk, and hockey when your team is in the playoffs.  Many try to convince America otherwise, but they’re misguided people who get excited about sitting down for two hours to watch 22 people run around without scoring a single goal, so you can cram your “soccer is the most popular sport in the world” shit right where the sun don’t shine.

Now, sure, every once and a while we pretend we like soccer, usually when our team is doing good, or when we randomly decide to expose FIFA corruption for reasons totally unrelated to them not giving us a World Cup since 1996, so we can at least sympathize with the people who have been brainwashed since birth into thinking that people kicking a ball to each other repeatedly on a giant field is entertaining, but we can’t say the same for what is apparently the second most popular sport in the world—cricket.

Cricket is bullshit.  But we don’t know anything about it.  So we’ve decided to try something new—we will comb through the Wikipedia page for the sport, and try to explain to you the rules, as far as we can understand, so you can learn how truly stupid the sport is.

AFFotd Presents:  America’s Attempt to Understand Cricket

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The Official Looters Guide to Rioting

“The habwasher makes the cranny go boom with the wimflazzle double decker!”

~…Ugh.  Fucking Brits.


We here at AFFotD have firmly established that we are experts in the field of looting.  We assumed that this knowledge would be necessary for the impending apocalypse, and because we’re all hedonistic Satanists who worship the false God of Whiskey (with his disciples, Jim, Jack, and M. Mark) we’re more likely to be left behind than an un-baptized Jewish infant.

Well, leave it to England to prove that humanity is just a barely contained bubbling pot of rage that is one police shooting of a drug dealer away from going fucking nuts.  That’s our bad.  Most good Americans cast aside their “faith in the basic decency of humanity” around the same time they got really into Calvin and Hobbes and decided to Wikipedia the guy the tiger was named after (philosophy joke high five!)

“State of nature, motherfuckers.”

Leave it to the Brits to fuck up the whole thing.  Their idea of looting is burning buses and pummeling the occasional civilian into a comatose pulp.  And yes, they have an idea of what “Looting” is in the same sense that breast-fed infants have an idea what “motor boating” is.

See that?  That’s a bunch of British people who decided to set fire to a SONY warehouse that holds a bunch of CDs and records.  The shit is that?  Looters of London, the world is your oyster, and you have a sledgehammer, so why are you focusing all your efforts on smashing a piece of bread?  Goddamn it, America’s gotta step in again and show you how to do it.  Looks like it’s time for…

AFFotD’s Official Looters Guide to Rioting

 

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Are You American Quiz Part 3: Foreign Correspondant Edition

“Even when you start accepting Canadians, you won’t let ME in?”

~Joshua “Hey, remember Dawson’s Creek, eh?” Jackson

 

As we’ve seen previously, we at the AFFotD offices have a series of checks and tests to ensure that those working for us are properly American.  And when our first American test was unable to detect the distinctive traces of maple syrup in Seth Rogan’s Canadian blood, we had to make an secondary “Are You American” quiz to root out the pretenders and, well, Canucks.  And the combination of the two tests worked extremely well, as we were able to spot and turn away Hayden “Well, he was Darth Vader, but he also was the shitty one” Christensen, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan “We get him confused with Ryan Gosling more often than we’d like to admit” Reynolds.  But then, we received a phone call that completely changed the hiring policies of the America Fun Fact of the Day in ways that still has the offices deeply divided.

Jason “Made sweet, grunty, outdoor love to Amy Smart in Crank” Statham called and asked if he could be an AFFotD foreign correspondent.  We’re pretty sure that concept is an oxymoron, but then again we don’t know what oxymoron means (…someone too dumb to breath?), but it did lead to a series of lengthy meetings.  And by meetings, we mean a 48 hour booze party.  When we woke up, we had a series of voice mails from Angelina Jolie asking for us to stop calling or she’d file a restraining order, and Statham was in our offices to thank us for accepting his application.  We don’t remember calling him, but apparently we did.  An excerpt of the voice mail message he played for us is listed below.

“Heyyyyyy Transporter 2 guy!  Hey, it’s the America Fun Fact…urp… of the Day offices here.  Tittays!  Wooo!  Hahaha, dude dude stop it, I’m calling the bald dude from those Guy Ritchie movies.  Hey, shhhhhh guys, I’m on the PHONE here, Christ.  So, listen, like, you’re not American but you do kick ass, like, you know, Americans do, it’s how we doooooooooo.  So you can’t be on the staff man, but you can be like, our British dude.  Like, the resident British dude, or yeah, what you said, the four lane Coors despondent.  Yeah.  Yeah… I’m gonna, just, like, rest my eyes for a bit…”

Forty minutes of silence followed, but the evidence was clear.  We had hired a foreign correspondent doohickey.  And really, if anyone could have swayed us, it would have been Statham.  We added Hugh Laurie to that category shortly thereafter because, dudes, Dr. House, seriously.

But in order to add the appropriate foreign correspondents, and make sure that, despite their “born in another damn country” handicaps, they still have enough American traits to at least keep us informed of the latest crazes in Deer Kickboxing, we needed to create a new, separate test.  One that could determine the Americanness of an individual who was not technically American.  It hurt our brains to think about it, but that might just be the hangover.

And here is the fruit of our labors, the “Are You American Enough To Be Called An Honorary American” Quiz.  You can keep score at home.  A– is worth 0 points, B- is worth 1 point, C- is worth 4 points, and D- is worth 5.  Here we go again.

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[REDACTED]’s Week of Freedom

“You’re never gonna take me alive, AFFotD fuckers!”
~[REDACTED]

Our undercover investigative journalist, [REDACTED] has been through a lot.  We forced him to eat at a Vegan restaurant, which is the very reason why we can’t in good conscience list his name here, then after a quick apology party we got him to sign over, essentially, his soul. We made him write about cricket, and about opera, and finally, he snapped.

We didn’t hear a word from him for a week, until our specially calibrated American hunting dogs found an unusually large amount of America around the Chicagoland area.  Sure enough, that’s where [REDACTED] had been hiding out.  After we sent in the hounds (ha ha, don’t worry, they weren’t really hounds.  They were more of a wolves/huskie hybrid) we were able to bring in [REDACTED] and get his story behind his one week spent, as he put it, “Trying to get my America back on, you cocksuckers.”

Here is his tale.

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[REDACTED] Reaches a Breaking Point

“GET ME OUT OF HERE!  COME ONE, READERS, SOMEONE!  HELP ME!”

~[REDACTED]

[REDACTED] is an America Fun Fact of the Day correspondent who has the thankless task of serving as our resident Undercover Investigator.  He didn’t really want the job, he just signed up to be in AFFotD because, come on, it’s AFFotD.  Fortune Magazine would have listed us as the number one company to work for, except we spent a good two thousand words ripping on Fortune Magazine for being stupid and not knowing what’s American.  Let’s be real, you’d work here in an instant- our retirement plan includes a goddamn boat, and a free license to punch the celebrity that annoys you the worst.  We had to start using phone books to the stomach on Justin Bieber because the authorities were starting to get suspicious about all the bruises.  This is a pretty good gig, is what we’re saying.

Except for poor [REDACTED].  Ever since we sent him to do an expose on the evils of  Vegan Restaurants, we’ve had to redact his name, so that his family, friends, and, well, hopefully God, wouldn’t find out about the things he had been forced to do.  So, we tried to make it up to him by giving him a night of booze and freedom.  Of course, we took advantage of his drunken state, and signed him to do all our unsavory articles, like talking about Cricket, and he can’t really do anything about it.  Because of the information we have on him.  Because he’s eaten Vegan.  It’s not technically blackmail, but it basically is.

Anyway, now [REDACTED] is going to sit through some Opera.  Ha ha!

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[REDACTED] Tries to Write About Cricket

“What do you mean I’m not ‘allowed’ to quit!?”

~[REDACTED]

Two weeks ago, we took an investigative reporter, whose name we had to redact for obvious reasons, and let him loose in a Vegan restaurant.  Last week, we felt like we had to make it up to him, so we gave him a night full of whiskey and boots.  Of course, we also tricked him into signing a contract making him our permanent fixture as an investigative journalist.  Oh, and he can’t sue us, no matter what stresses we put him through.  So we figured we’d do the American thing…and abuse our new found freedom.  Enjoy writing a review of a game of Cricket, [REDACTED], you jackass.

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