“The shit is this?”
~AFFotD’s Sports Ambassadors
We all know there are only four sports that really count—football, basketball, baseball when you’re drunk, and hockey when your team is in the playoffs. Many try to convince America otherwise, but they’re misguided people who get excited about sitting down for two hours to watch 22 people run around without scoring a single goal, so you can cram your “soccer is the most popular sport in the world” shit right where the sun don’t shine.
Now, sure, every once and a while we pretend we like soccer, usually when our team is doing good, or when we randomly decide to expose FIFA corruption for reasons totally unrelated to them not giving us a World Cup since 1996, so we can at least sympathize with the people who have been brainwashed since birth into thinking that people kicking a ball to each other repeatedly on a giant field is entertaining, but we can’t say the same for what is apparently the second most popular sport in the world—cricket.
Cricket is bullshit. But we don’t know anything about it. So we’ve decided to try something new—we will comb through the Wikipedia page for the sport, and try to explain to you the rules, as far as we can understand, so you can learn how truly stupid the sport is.
AFFotd Presents: America’s Attempt to Understand Cricket
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“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”
Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.” The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses. It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.
As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.
AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide
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Posted in China, England, France, Miscellaneous America, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Archery, China, Dressage, England, Fencing, Judo, Olympics, Sailing, Skeet Shooting, Soccer, Summer Olympics, Table Tennis
“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”
America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local. Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America. Oh what’s that, Greece is poor? Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something. Not our debt, not our problem. We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team? British Iron Workers? Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.
But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept. Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America. So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations? While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes. Yes it is possible. Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.
We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.
Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.” Probably. GOD that place is a mess.
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Posted in Beer!, England
Tagged America, Beer, England, European Union, George WAshington, google, Greece, Jello Shots, London, Parthenon, porter, Soccer
“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now? Oh no…you’re…not again…”
When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him. Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm. North Korea’s women looked like men. Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees. An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!” We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.
…Get it? Pay lay? See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke. Maybe. Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.
“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!” Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor? Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+
Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil. We learned a few things. First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so. Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal. And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive. Hot athletes are a game changer. And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.
And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.
America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players. Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America. So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH. Goddamn French!
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Posted in France, [REDACTED]
Tagged Abby Wambach, America, France, Hope Solo, North Korea, Redacted, Shawshank Redemption, Soccer, Sonia bompastor, Sonny Corleone, Team USA, Tim Robbins, Women's World Cup
“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”
~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th
As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.
That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)
[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match
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Posted in North Korea, [REDACTED]
Tagged 2011 Women's World Cup, America, Basketball, Brandi Chastain, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrot Top, espn, Football, Jeff Carlisle, Jennie Finch, Johnny Roosevelt, Kim Jong Il, Korea, North Korea, North Korean Team, Olympics, pig dog, Pitch, Pizza Binges, Redacted, Round 1 Match Between USA and North Korea, Scotch, Scotch and Soda, Sealy, Sealy Mattress, Soccer, Terry Bradshaw, USA, Vuvuzula, WNBA
“Chewing gum is a lot like heroin, since both are incredibly enjoyable.”
~William S. Burroughs
Chewing gum is an enigmatic American invention. While it combines ancient history, American ingenuity, and tooth decay, it is not considered to be as awesomely American as alligator wrestling or cage matches (or any combination of the two). But, in reality, chewing gum is an underappreciated yet surprisingly American commodity.
First, ask yourself a question. Who makes chewing gum? Wrigley’s of course. And where do the Chicago Cubs, America’s most American loveable losers play? Wrigley Field.
Did you know: Those two are named after the same fucking guy.
Once you pick up the pieces of your exploded cranium, the America Fun Fact of the Day presents to you…
Chewing Gum: More American than your immigrant grandparents
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Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, Alcohol, America, Basketball, Benjamin Harrison, Chewing Gum, Chicago Cubs, Chicle, FDR, Football, Gerald Ford, Greece, JFK, Jimmy Carter, John B. Curtis, MacGyver, Soccer, Spiderman, Teddy Roosevelt, Ulysses S. Grant, William Henry Harrison, William S. Burroughs, William Semple, World War II, Wrigley Field