“I’m not even surprised at this point. Just sad.”
The Women’s World Cup is the biggest thing to happen to Soccer’s popularity in America since the Men’s World Cup last year that you had totally forgotten about until we just mentioned it here. And as a result, we’ve been using it as a good opportunity to tranquilize the coffee of our investigative journalist, [REDACTED], and force him to live-blog some soccer games. He doesn’t know anything about soccer (because, you know, America) and as much as he likes rooting for America and rooting against countries who we have fought against in wars (looking at you, Japan), he still really hates this whole gig.
And we like making sure he knows his damn place, so he was at hand to blog about the Women’s World Cup Championship match between America and Japan. By the time he came to in the utility closet we stuck him in, we heard a lot of loud wailing, which was replaced by some whimpering and keyboard taps about five minutes into the game. We printed up the following, taped it to a brick, and chucked it through Johnny Roosevelt’s window, so without further adieu, here is [REDACTED]‘s liquor-fueled description of the game.
Posted in Japan, [REDACTED]
Tagged America, Breathalyzer, Japan, Liquor, Megan Rapinoe, Oprah Winfrey, Redacted, Spanish, Team USA, USA, Women's World Cup, World Cup
“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now? Oh no…you’re…not again…”
When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him. Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm. North Korea’s women looked like men. Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees. An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!” We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.
…Get it? Pay lay? See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke. Maybe. Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.
“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!” Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor? Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+
Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil. We learned a few things. First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so. Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal. And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive. Hot athletes are a game changer. And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.
And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.
America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players. Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America. So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH. Goddamn French!
Posted in France, [REDACTED]
Tagged Abby Wambach, America, France, Hope Solo, North Korea, Redacted, Shawshank Redemption, Soccer, Sonia bompastor, Sonny Corleone, Team USA, Tim Robbins, Women's World Cup