“Don’t you take away my Academy Award you dirty goddamn j…”
~Mel Gibson Right Before We Hung Up the Phone On Him
We feel like we don’t really need to rehash this another time. The Oscars are sometimes wrong, so we went ahead and made them right. Go here, here, here, here or here for the first five segments of this feature. Once again, the years listed are for the year the ceremony took place, not the year the winning film was released. And the number in the parentheses after each name is just the IMDB user rating, which is one of many factors we take into consideration when doling out the final prizes.
So strap in, once again, for AFFotD’s…
Re-Awarding the Academy Award for Best Picture (1995-1999)
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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Re-Awarding the Academy Award for Best Picture (1970-2009)
Tagged Academy Awards, America, Apollo 13, As Good as It Gets, Babe, Braveheart, Elizabeth, Fargo, Forrest Gump, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Good Will Hunting, Il Postino, Jerry Maguire, LA Confidential, Life is Beautiful, Oscars, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, Re-Awarding the Oscars, Saving Private Ryan, Secrets & Lies, Sense and Sensibility, Shakespeare in Love, Shawshank Redemption, Shine, The English Patient, The Full Monty, The Thin Red Line, Titanic, Toy Story
“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now? Oh no…you’re…not again…”
When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him. Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm. North Korea’s women looked like men. Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees. An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!” We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.
…Get it? Pay lay? See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke. Maybe. Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.
“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!” Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor? Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+
Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil. We learned a few things. First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so. Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal. And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive. Hot athletes are a game changer. And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.
And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.
America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players. Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America. So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH. Goddamn French!
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Posted in France, [REDACTED]
Tagged Abby Wambach, America, France, Hope Solo, North Korea, Redacted, Shawshank Redemption, Soccer, Sonia bompastor, Sonny Corleone, Team USA, Tim Robbins, Women's World Cup
America has always had a fascination with escapes. We make movies about escaping POW camps, our favorite game during Recess was Jail Break, and there was that one show on Fox that we only really watched for the first season, but apparently lasted for more seasons than Arrested Development. There’s something American about sticking it to some sort of foreign land or domestic legal system(though we tend to have an easier time rooting for it when there’s a “Innocent person in jail” angle, but whatever).
Remember this? No? Nothing?
It is with the intrepid “this bird cannot be caged” American mindset, then, that we present you with…
AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes
…Though Prison isn’t ALL bad…
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Posted in AFFotD Special Features
Tagged Academy Awards, AFFotD's Greatest American Prison Breaks, AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes, America, Arrested Development, Boy School, Cellblock Tango, Civil War, Colonel Thomas E. Rose, Jail Breaks, John Dillinger, Johnny Depp, Libby Prison, Oscars, POW Camps, Prison, Prison Break, Rat Hell, Ricky Bobby, Shawshank Redemption, Steve McQueen, Texas 7, The Great Escape, The Libby Prison Escape