“You’re letting me out? .I’m free? I’m FREE? Wait…wh…what is this for? OH GOD WHAT IS THIS FOR!?”
~[Redacted]
It’s been almost a decade since we’ve last heard from [Redacted] so we’ll give you some backstory if you might not recall him. After we sent one of our finest investigative reporters out to eat at a Vegan restaurant, things went a bit sideways. To save his family the shame of doing such a thing as eating a meal in America without meat, we buried his identity, kept him in a locked broom closet, and forced him to review the worst shit imaginable for us.
A 1980s rap video with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, a Rodney Danger rap video, a rap video about recycling. These were his only moments outside of the stuffy darkness. But it wasn’t all just bad white-person old-school rap. Hell, we even made him write a Buzzfeed article back when Buzzfeed was a thing that people actually read. Haha, holy shit, remember Buzzfeed? Back then ChatGPT was just called “unpaid interns” and the end result was about the same.
But anyway. Long story short, we totally forgot we hadn’t let him out since 2014. Then during one of our holiday parties (we believe it was for the anniversary of the release of Rocky IV) we accidentally bumped into our broom closet, freeing [Redacted] who somehow had stayed alive thanks to a leak in the ceiling and the 30 years of prepper-grade rations we always keep in every single closet in our compound.
So we put him to work.
We asked him what he wanted to write about, as a way of apologizing for his decade of solitude, and he said, “Well I left off on the hit AMC show, The Walking Dead, shortly before my last assignment. The first season was great, the second was a little slow, but it seemed to be gaining steam. How about I write about that.”
Oh [Redacted]. You sweet, cursed soul.