Tag Archives: Moonshine

America’s Worst Pumpkin Spice Latte-Flavored Products

“You can’t spell ‘basic’ without ‘PSL.’”

~Wait Actually You Can

psl candy

Pumpkin Spice Latte is a combination of words that usually can be seen in conjunction with phrases like, “Those damn Millennials” and, “Got no respect for their elders.”  We’re not going to talk about Pumpkin Spice Lattes being good, bad, or appearing on menus earlier and earlier each year because you’ve all read a dozen of mouth-breathing articles on that topic already.  Pumpkin Spice Lattes are, at the end of the day, one of those things that a lot of people get mad about when they really shouldn’t.  Like, some people like to drink coffee that has cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves and allspice in it during the Fall, why…why should we care one way or the other?  Like, we’re seriously asking here, did your family get killed in a cinnamon farming accident, or are you just knee-jerk reacting to some trend that’s popular among people who are younger than you?

Anyway, the point being, we’re not here to shit on you if you enjoy yourself a nice PSL from time to time.  You do you.  But even if the days of the Pumpkin Spice Latte are waning, and the PSL will soon to join Uggs as retired totems of basicness, companies are still trying to wring each little ounce of profit out of the PSL craze, which, unfortunately, has given us a lot of pumpkin spice products that should never exist.

So while we support you and your right to a Pumpkin Spice Latte on a nice fall day, we do not support these products, which take pumpkin spice to terrifying, gross places.

America’s Worst Pumpkin Spice Latte-Flavored Products

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[REDACTED] Writes An Article For Buzzfeed

“Goddamn it, [REDACTED].

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

buzzfeed

[Editor’s Note:  For those readers unfamiliar with his work, [REDACTED] is AFFotD’s investigative journalist who may or may not have been driven to insanity because of our assignments.  His name has been redacted to protect his identity, since his first assignment was to eat at a Vegan restaurant, and his family and friends would never have been able to look him in the eye after hearing that he has put meatless sliders in his mouth.  Since then, we’ve made him review awful rap videos, watch and livecast women’s soccer games, and write about, well, whatever the hell this sport is.

Recently, [REDACTED] managed to sneak into our offices early in the morning where he drank a whole mess of our moonshine and decided to post an article about Buzzfeed.  Sort of.  We think?  He kinda lost us as he got progressively drunker by the end of it, but the main point we’re trying to make is somehow he found a way to post the article in a way that we can’t take it down and can’t edit it.  So, it’ll be stuck on the site, and we’d like to take this moment to first and foremost apologize for any inane ramblings you’re about to be subjected to, and would like to remind you all that the opinions and viewpoints of [REDACTED] in no way reflect those of AFFotD.com.  They’re just the sad trappings of a man who has long since gone insane.  We should feel sorry for him, but the moment we let our guard down, he pulls shit like this, so it looks like we’re gonna have to find another awful music video starring a now-deceased stand-up comic to force feed him.]

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Popcorn Sutton, Moonshining Hero

“I’ll get ya drunk faster than a pie’ll get yanked from a windowsill.”

~Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton

While the America Fun Fact of the Day offices break numerous laws, regulations, and religious commandments on a daily basis (Hell, just to get into our lobby you have to punch the captured endangered Condor that we have caged up as a door handle) we tend to find it unnerving when our activities that we believe to be “legal” are, in fact, not.  In this case, apparently moonshining is illegal.  Not only is it illegal, it’s been explicitly illegal since the 19th century.  This was conveniently overlooked by the man who helped us install our moonshining operation, Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton, who was even more American than we could have possibly imagined.  And that’s saying something, because he looked like this.

That beard is so glorious that OTHER beards live in his beard.

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