“Goddamn it, [REDACTED].”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
[Editor’s Note: For those readers unfamiliar with his work, [REDACTED] is AFFotD’s investigative journalist who may or may not have been driven to insanity because of our assignments. His name has been redacted to protect his identity, since his first assignment was to eat at a Vegan restaurant, and his family and friends would never have been able to look him in the eye after hearing that he has put meatless sliders in his mouth. Since then, we’ve made him review awful rap videos, watch and livecast women’s soccer games, and write about, well, whatever the hell this sport is.
Recently, [REDACTED] managed to sneak into our offices early in the morning where he drank a whole mess of our moonshine and decided to post an article about Buzzfeed. Sort of. We think? He kinda lost us as he got progressively drunker by the end of it, but the main point we’re trying to make is somehow he found a way to post the article in a way that we can’t take it down and can’t edit it. So, it’ll be stuck on the site, and we’d like to take this moment to first and foremost apologize for any inane ramblings you’re about to be subjected to, and would like to remind you all that the opinions and viewpoints of [REDACTED] in no way reflect those of AFFotD.com. They’re just the sad trappings of a man who has long since gone insane. We should feel sorry for him, but the moment we let our guard down, he pulls shit like this, so it looks like we’re gonna have to find another awful music video starring a now-deceased stand-up comic to force feed him.]
Posted in [REDACTED]
Tagged 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Big Band Theory, Bill Hader, Buzzfeed, Futurama, Moonshine, Redacted, SNL, Stefon, Whiskey
America has always had a fascination with escapes. We make movies about escaping POW camps, our favorite game during Recess was Jail Break, and there was that one show on Fox that we only really watched for the first season, but apparently lasted for more seasons than Arrested Development. There’s something American about sticking it to some sort of foreign land or domestic legal system(though we tend to have an easier time rooting for it when there’s a “Innocent person in jail” angle, but whatever).
Remember this? No? Nothing?
It is with the intrepid “this bird cannot be caged” American mindset, then, that we present you with…
AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes
…Though Prison isn’t ALL bad…
Posted in AFFotD Special Features
Tagged Academy Awards, AFFotD's Greatest American Prison Breaks, AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes, America, Arrested Development, Boy School, Cellblock Tango, Civil War, Colonel Thomas E. Rose, Jail Breaks, John Dillinger, Johnny Depp, Libby Prison, Oscars, POW Camps, Prison, Prison Break, Rat Hell, Ricky Bobby, Shawshank Redemption, Steve McQueen, Texas 7, The Great Escape, The Libby Prison Escape
“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”
The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path. Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians: Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads). A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians. And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.
We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…
And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash. Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment. Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor. Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.
This show got eight seasons. EIGHT. Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three. This message was sponsored by whiskey. “Whiskey: Drink me to forget.”
Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American. And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption. The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.
Posted in The Other Guys
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, According to Jim, America, Andrew Jackson, Andrew Johnson, Andrew Johnson is not Andrew Jackson, Arrested Development, Casinos, Drunk, GLADD, Groupon, It was Announced That Osama Bin Laden Was Killed But We're not going to Mention This Anywhere But in this Extremely Long Tag, Johnny Roosevelt, MADD, Robert Duvall, Super Bowl Commercials, The Bachelor, Tommy Lee Jones, Two and a Half Men, Whiskey
“FEAR MY IMPENDING DOOM.”
~#1 on the list of Ugliest Vice-Presidents
As we saw in yesterday’s AFFotD, there are a surprisnig amount of goofy looking Vice-Presidents. and we’ve got nothing better to do than to keep on counting down. So here, for your viewing pleasure (and we use that term lightly) are the five ugliest Vice-Presidents of American History.
Posted in Goofiest Presidential Photos
Tagged Adlai E. Stevenson, Adlai E. Stevenson I, Adlai E. Stevenson III, America, Andrew Jackson, Arrested Development, Clerks, Clerks 2, Everyone Loves Raymond, George Clinton, George M. Dallas, Grover Cleveland, James Madison, James Polk, Jay Kordich, John Calhoun, John Quincy Adams, New York, Peter Boyle, Rutherford B. Hayes, Stanley Tucci, The Coen Brothers, Thomas Jefferson, Ugliest Vice-Presidents, Vice-Presidents, William Wheeler